Getting Over - November 1999

A haunted past still rules my mind
Those days of passion embrace me over
The more I let go, the harder it grabs me
I swim to the surface, it pulls me deeper

Every thought contains you in it
Every event is filled by you
Nothing I do can free me from your shadow
It's a ghost which follows me around
My mind tells me no, but my heart says yes

I'm looking ahead, but my souls behind
I look behind, I see your footprints in my life
I close my eyes and I see you
I block my ears and I hear you
What am I supposed to do?

Every tune spells your name
Every place I go revolves around your presence
Every aroma is embedded by you
I can't help but think of you

There is anger
But also love
There is reality
But also dreams
There is so much clarity
And blurred confusion, far from reality

A mixture of feelings
Potpourri of emotions
I want you
And I don't

Painful Recollections - Nov 1994

I can still remember that wretched day when I was walking my way through those trampled leaves, up to school. They brushed the pavement like a scratch on dry skin. As I stepped on them, they made a crispy crunchy sound like the sweeping of rubbish that is collected at night. I left them shapeless, stippled and scattered. They had become wet, then dry and wet again from the sodden rain that kept gushing down and halting all through the night. The rain sound gave me a headache, banging bullets on the window pane. Oh how I despised this weather.

I could feel the bitter drop of temperature and absolute absence of warmth. My teeth kept gritting together, nose frozen and numb. As I produced clouds of smoke from my mouth, it was really the only thing that gave me momentary heat around my face. Oh how I longed for some hot milk to de solidify my poor limbs from this charming torture.

The intense cold had actually taken over me and other than shivering like a half dead dog, I did half wish I was sitting on a beach somewhere. The closest to a beach I had was the Eastbourne peer, where not only was there no sand, but it was also the most depressing town I had ever been to in my whole life. Who was I kidding?

In the far distance I could only see some houses and bare trees. The fog had made everything blurred and the picture I recall was a milk lacing over the horizon. It all looked confusing  and bizarre. Was my eye sight in jeopardy too?  Not a single soul in sight, the emptiness was more than evident when I realised I could only hear my own breathing. The world was hibernating and I was facing up to the laborious obstacles of hiking up to my God forsaken school which couldn’t have been on a higher hill. Carlisle Road looked wasted and squandered. Someone please paint some sunshine if that’s what it took!

My climax was without a doubt the winnowing wind which bit into my face and punched me straight out. Stiff and statuesque felt I , never will or want to forget that day for the rest of my life.

Feelings in Disguise - Jan 1997

Is the reality somewhat different?

Are my feelings really changing for you?

The joke no longer seems funny

“You seem to be the victim here honey!”

I see you with a different eye now

I want to see you more than before

Whatever you say sounds so affectionate

You play it on so well, I’m the fool who’s falling for you.

I want this to be real

Not just a pretend deal

Can you see it happening too?

I want you to see through me

And really know what I feel

What I say to you is no longer transparent

Why can’t you read the message, it’s so apparent

Emotions so strong, I cannot set apart

I’m flirting for real, it’s all from the heart

Sometimes I can almost see the answers in your eyes

I can sense the hidden passion rising

But resistance always comes our way

Do you hold back or do I?

I want some clarity

I want this tension to ease

I can’t continue like this

The truth cannot just remain a freeze

I like you - Feb 2000

I like you when you don't speak because you seem absent.
You can hear me from a far, but my voice does not touch you.
It's as though your eyes have flown away and as though one kiss has numbed you quiet.

The way all things are filled with my soul, you emerge from all these things, filled with my soul.
You emerge from all these things , filled with my soul
You are like a butterfly in a dream, you resemble my soul

I like you when you don't speak because you are distant
It's like you are complaining, like a butterfly in a struggle.
And you hear me from a far, but my voice does not reach you
Leave me alone so I can contemplate your silence.

Let me speak to your silence
Clear like a lamp, simple as a ring
You are like the night, quiet and composed
Your silence is like the stars, so distant and so simple

I like you when you don't speak because you seem absent
Distant and painful as if you've just died
Just one word or a smile are enough
And I'm happy, happy to know that it is not truth

Simply Vi - aa - Nov 2010

She wakes from her sleep and this is possibly one of the most gratifying moments of the day for a mother. Well rested, skin glowing, plump cheeks, hair messy but still has her stylishly bouncing curls. Yawning and snoozy she still is, but instantly produces a smile which translates to unconditional love, followed by a soft but clear "mama".

Her small torso immediately itches to move, detecting the constrained space of her cot. Up she stands on her feet and stretches out her arms, indicating me to carry her out. Momentarily she gives me a hug, nestling her small head on my shoulder, which somehow rests neatly for all children of this age. 

It's really non stop energy from then on. Red bull, caffeine or any stimulant is lame compared to the natural adrenalin her body produces. An express train with no determined stops is what she is from 8 to 8. 12 hours of a bustling boombastic firecracker. 

The agility of her movements is a show to watch. So small are her legs, but perfectly capable of climbing up the stairs endlessly and effortlessly infinite times a day. Her arms are supremely delicate but strong enough to bear the abundant items that fill her backpack.

Don't let her petite and fragile appearance fool you. Her voice is heard loud and clear when attention she seeks. Determined and transparent on what she wants, wont make compromises unless the terms are agreed on her rules. Youngest she is in the family hierarchy, but without a doubt has the power to wrap everyone around her little finger. 

Innocent her smile, purity drips from her eyes, harmless her expression, she is the definition of flawless, immaculate innocence. 

Playful and happy when things go her way. Piercing and fiesty when anything pisses her off or you get in her way! 

She will eat her food with up most grace, holding even a tiny grain of rice ever so delicately within her itsy bitsy fingers. Do you know how chocolate is best enjoyed? I don't think you do if you have not seen her savour, bite, lick, nibble and suck the pieces till they crumble and ultimately melt in and around her mouth. The traces around her lips accentuate her wicked and mischievous smile, which quickly transforms into an infectious giggle that literally takes your breath away. 

After an arduous long day of playing, eating, and how can we forget exercising her vocal chords... the beautiful torment adjourns for the day. Tucked away inside her bed, cuddling her "dolly",  twists and turns for a short while until she monologues herself to sleep. 

Peace and tranquility echo around her room as I watch her retire and dream away. Relaxed and anesthezised  is how I feel, the temptation is strong to hold and squeeze her, but I sigh my vice away and carefully step out. Tomorrow will be another day.