In light of the rape and sexual violence cases we read and hear about in
the Indian news everyday and now even more on International headlines, it has
become nothing short of an epidemic in India. Sadly the numbers only keep
growing and despite all the protests and changes in the law which have been
made, more so after the December 2012 Delhi gang rape incident, not only is
that case still unresolved but hundreds of others just keep cropping up all
over the country.
Safety for women in India has become a serious problem, especially in
cities such as Delhi and Calcutta. One wonders where the root of the problem
lies. Laws have been instilled, security for women has increased and the Indian
legal system has even introduced fast track courts for cases of sexual violence
to be resolved faster. Nevertheless the number of rape cases keeps growing. Why
is that?
I was speaking to a friend about this and explained to her how affected
I get when I read about or watch documentaries about such incidents. I feel
helpless and wish to do something to help. It’s all good to manifest against
such animal behaviour, push the Indian politicians in taking matters more at
hand, demand more security for our women or even sympathise with or help the
victims who have lived such horrendous ordeals.
Nevertheless, does any of this actually serve as a permanent solution
towards eradicating this disease? It’s really just a punishment given to the
culprits and in many cases a simple warning. Women continue to fear for their
life and society still insists women don’t go out alone after dark and
daughters are forever told to dress “appropriately”. There are many more
examples of how a woman lives her life very differently in India than other
parts of the world.
It is my belief that women in India today have been denied their freedom
and I know it is a very strong allegation to make, but my personal experience
is witness to this lack of freedom that I yearn when I am in India, albeit for
a short period of time. I am a 35 year old woman with 2 children and I don’t
feel I am able to go out with my children alone in a metro city such as Mumbai
or Delhi, without being stared at, commented on, approached by men in
bookstores, verbally harassed at an ice cream parlour and even touched on a
crowded train. Thankfully, I am not wounded by these incidents and nor have
they left me permanent scars. However, I do feel disgusted and manipulated
against my will. This is the freedom I am talking about!
My friend told me the best I can do is what I am already doing and that
is raising two sensitive and thoughtful human beings. Charity begins at home as
we all know, but education also begins at home. Moral education
is far more important than the academic one you will ultimately receive outside
your home.
I have both a son and a daughter, and I get told that I must raise my
daughter to be independent and street smart; given the volatile climate we live
in today. I don’t disagree with this advice at all, but I believe the possible
dangers that she may or may not face will be produced through her interaction
with the opposite sex, if we are talking about sexual violence. Therefore, I
must not forget that the opposite sex is also my son! I feel it is equally
important to raise my son to be sensitive towards women and their needs.
I want this article to be about our sons and not just Indian sons. Rape
and sexual violence is spread all over the world, unfortunately India touches
my soul far more as I am an Indian woman living abroad. As a parent I do feel
responsible for the men and women of tomorrow as I am raising two of them
myself.
In this race of equality we have successfully shown our daughters to
grow up like men and physically as well as emotionally be capable to stand
boldly in societies where they have to fight the odds as adults. Isn’t that
what poor Jyoti was doing before she got raped? She was pursuing her dream to
become a doctor and fulfil a career where she was the daughter amongst sons.
Her parents gave her the education and opportunities, despite their humble
backgrounds.
If I am asking my daughter to stay away from a potentially risky
situation with boys, then it is my duty to teach my son to watch his behaviour
with girls. Be it male or female, when you raise either, a respect for the
opposite sex is paramount in their upbringing. This reflects in the long run on
their rights, their freedom and above all their dignity. The latter will
ultimately have a huge repercussion on building a robust society.
My children are still very young so I cannot speak for my experience
with teenagers or older. However, I believe seeds are sown early on and it’s
the minor examples in your childhood that greatly shape your personality later
on. Let me share some simple examples with you. I practice these at home and I
am hoping my efforts are not going to waste.
If my daughter helps me to set the table for a meal, my son is
responsible for clearing up afterwards. If she chooses to defend herself by
hitting him when in a fight, he is not allowed to hit her back. An eye for an
eye is not the practice we follow. He is given a verbal apology, followed by a
hug.
If my son speaks rudely to me, his father immediately intervenes and
demands an apology be made to me. My son is constantly reminded of the respect
with which he must address his mother, grandmother and above all his younger
sister.
We have nicknames at home for each other. My husband is the king and I
am the queen. My son is the prince and daughter the princess. Through this
naming system we have introduced a subtle hierarchy of both respect and
equality between all the members of this family.
My children usually ask either of us for permission to do something
important, and we have a rule where the other parent has to give consent in
order for them to go ahead. If one of us disagrees, they are not allowed to go
ahead. It makes no difference if my husband has said yes, because we are equal
in parenting and my children are aware of this.
My husband and I both uproot from a traditional, more conservative
Indian upbringing and it is a fact that there is always a subtle element of
chauvinism in the way we take our decisions. However, the way in which we have
evolved, compared to our parents is to encourage a more open channel of
communication between my son and I and between my daughter and my husband. The
angle from which I will possibly address a situation with my son will differ to
my husband’s approach, but our destination is the same. These methodologies are
what our son needs to see and respect, irrespective of the solution that he
arrives at. He must be empathetic to a woman's point of view as well as a
man's.
My son is at an age where he finds girls silly and stupid. Clearly this
is a phase, but we have always ensured that he is comfortable with his
female cousins, given that he is in the minority. I never make a special effort
to make sure my daughter has a girl to play with or my son has a boy to play
with. They have to feel comfortable having both female and male friends, and
growing up in such dynamics will encourage equality and comfort zones between
both sexes.
Both my son and husband share a strong fondness for football, the sport
watched as well as played. It is no secret that it is considered traditionally
a more masculine sport. My son often makes comments like "football is for
boys only!" I have never stopped him from enjoying the sport but off late
my husband decided to involve my daughter more in the sport too, by showing her
an album where you fill with stickers of the Spanish La Liga teams,
their players, managers and other related information. She may not be playing
the game, but she has created an interest in the game through this method. Both
siblings now exchange stickers to fill their respective albums and my son has
stopped saying that football is for boys only.
I don’t believe it’s about raising a daughter or a son. I look at their
personality and character first and decide how much more or less sensitive each
one is. A human being is what I am raising! I went to boarding school at the
age of 13 and my brother was 10 at the time. Even if he was the boy and I was
the girl, it did not mean he was more ready to attend such an institution, just
because boys are supposed to be tough and girls soft. The truth is, boys need
to be soft when a situation calls for it and girls most definitely need to be
tough when there is a need. If you type caste each gender, well that’s when the
problems arise.
A woman with a firm character and moral values will never disrespect her
father, husband or any man in her surroundings. She will not abuse her freedom
or put down her family and lose her dignity by falling in the wrong company or
indulging in incorrect practises. Her early moral education will stay with her,
help her make the right choices towards a more functional and independent life.
Similarly, a man with the same moral sensibility and frame will never
harm or harass another woman physically or mentally, whether she is the wife or
any unknown woman. They won’t assault a woman’s basic rights of freedom and dignity.
If a man is brought up with the correct pattern of thoughts, issues such as
rape, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse are not going to find a place in his
life. His position for a woman will be to respect her for her existence and the
good she brings in his life as well as for society.
If you have a son, let him be the reason tomorrow for a girl to walk
with her head up. The change is sitting in our home; we all must take
responsibility for it.
