Siblings: I love/hate you

A sibling is one of two or more individuals having one or both parents in common. A male sibling is called a brother, and a female sibling is called a sister. In most societies throughout the world, siblings usually grow up together, facilitating the development of strong emotional bonds such as love, hostility or thoughtfulness. The emotional bond between siblings is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and personal experiences outside the family- Wikipedia


I have often wondered why brothers and sisters have such extreme relationships of profound love and also deep hostility, which can often be demonstrated in a matter of minutes, one from another. The reason for this is probably the comfort levels which such individuals share from a very young age, in most cases from birth. I have a younger brother, so my comparison will always be with him and no one else. Nevertheless, I have observed this unique relationship within several combinations, such as only sisters or brothers, twins and even  groups of all brothers and one sister and vice versa. The common denominator in all these combinations is the supreme level of verbal comfort the siblings have between themselves, starting from addressing one another with private nicknames to even jokingly insulting one another paying no regard to the age they grow up to be. 

There are plenty of relationships we develop in our life, out of which a sibling relationship is just one more. However, statistics in the United States have shown that 80 percent of people have at least one brother or sister and such a bond often outlasts marriages, survives the death of parents and reunites after quarrels that would sink many friendships. The marvelous thing is that siblings become stronger through incarnating a thousand times their closeness, distance, warmth, loyalty and even distrust. Most of us would have to actually think hard before describing our relationship with our brothers and sisters, because flashes of incidents often come to mind which anger you to the core, laughter also fills these memories and then there is lots of teasing mischief too.  Essentially it is the one relationship which brings you as much grief and pleasure at the same time and possibly the longest relationship of your life.

I want to describe one such example of siblings where within minutes do a sister and brother go from yelling and almost hitting each other to hugging and the elder one protecting his sister. I speak of my own children who never seize to fascinate me. My daughter is 4 and my son is 7. A lot of the time they are mostly fighting about little things and disagreeing on mindless matters, but it awes me the most when my daughter has an amazing quality on being able to test my son's patience to the absolute limits and he is able to contain his anger with so much resilience. I see his frustration comes out through the occasional slap on her arm and one such incident was on the street when she was wearing a pair of shoes which were half a size too small on her, therefore hurt her feet as she walked with us. Her brother had previously warned her not to wear them as she would probably complain to us later, so much so that he threatened to hit her if she didn't go and change them before we left home. Naturally she disobeyed and found a thrill in getting away with her own decision. In exchange for her rebellion she paid the consequences of suffering the pain in her feet. I was more than happy to let her deal with her problem and let her understand why this was happening to her. 

However, her brother decided to take off his own shoes, give them to her and chose to walk in girley shoes with only half his foot inside the tiny shoes. He explained to me that he couldn't see his sister suffer and it was okay if he wore her shoes for a short while and walked funny. I was moved by his words, literally the world stood still for me at that instance. I realised how much he actually cares and loves his sister, sacrificing his own comfort. This entire episode took place in a matter of 15 minutes and of course we were back to quarrels in no time.

Aside from this example, I experience a myriad of anecdotes in my daily life where I see the two of them project in a very peculiar way the connection they share for each other. It is most endearing to see when both of them will unconditionally defend one another especially when I intervene to punish one of them in any given situation. 

In all this, I  have always wondered how much research has been done to examine this type of relationship and was astonished to discover that it has only been around 15 years or so since the study of siblings has been done. Jeffrey Kluger has looked into this in great depth and written a book called The Sibling Effect. He analyses here why siblings fight, the concept of birth order, parents favouring one child over another, the effects of divorce and stepfamilies. Out of the exhaustive analysis there is one very interesting point I picked up, which was grouping together with your sibling/s to create a power against your parents. This is a common mechanism used by siblings to gang up against their parents and form a unit of strength which actually continues to act up even in adulthood. I smirked at this observation as I admit I have used this weapon many a times with my brother to get away with murder in front of my parents. 

Kluger points out that while other relationships may be complex and rich and have their own rules and rituals, “…there may be no relationships that can run quite as deep or survive quite as long as those among siblings. You know it if you grew up with one. You know it if you’re raising some. You know it if you’ve merely watched a group of them interact.” This is a fact as I pointed out in my introduction and one just knows from  distance when a group of people are siblings. 

A sibling can have a very lasting effect on your own personality, mainly due to the circumstances. From the minute we are born, our siblings are our partners and co-conspirators. In many cases our idols and also our alibis. They can be our protectors, tormentors, playmates, guinea pigs, helpers and even objects of great pride. We often fight our greatest battles with our siblings and they are our first source of teaching on how to become a friend and also teach us to resolve conflicts or walk away from them. Sisters are the first teachers to brothers on how to deal with other girls and brothers help with the puzzle about boys. Bigger siblings learn to parent their younger siblings almost automatically and it's their first taster of early parenthood. Similarly the younger ones absorb as much wisdom from their older sibs and keep this knowledge for life. 

We must not forget that our spouses and our own children arrive in our life much later and sadly our parents leave earlier than we would hope. Therefore, our siblings are the ones to see us grow and later see us age as well. A full circle is what you experience with your brothers and sisters. Based on this fact is how family sociologist Katherine Conger of the University of California, Davis states “ our brothers and sisters are with us for the whole journey.”

To conclude I would like to state the importance of having a sibling in your life, as often we see families with an only child and only then do we value the weight of a sibling in our life. 

Research has indicated that warmth in sibling relationships is an accomplice to lesser loneliness, fewer behaviour problems, and higher self-esteem (Stocker, 1994). Marjut Kosonen (1996) studied the emotional support and help that siblings can administer and found that when they needed help, children first seek out their mothers, but then search out to older siblings for support, even before they would go to their fathers. She also found that for secluded children (as is the case for many children placed into foster care), sibling support is especially crucial. For these children, an older sibling was often their only perceived source of comfort.

I once again defend this argument based on my personal experiences with my younger brother: We both left for boarding school at the ages of 13 and 10 respectively and although at the time neither of us may have realised this, but years later I read the handwritten letters sent to me by him and I could sense a closeness he shared with me which was most definitely disguised under a lot of mischief and amusing curse which was the method of communication he chose to adopt with me, despite being his elder sister. I noted a profound comfort level he shared with me, we depended on each other and although we never complained once to each other about missing our parents, it was just understood that he was there for me and vice versa.

I do not have a sister so I will never know how pure a relationship of two sisters can be, but if it is anything close to what I share with my brother, well I wish everyone had both a sister and a brother to gloat about. 

Love is?

I decided to embark upon this subject for several reasons, primarily because it has always been a subject of much discussion amongst a lot of my girlfriends. A lot of the single girls are forever asking me when will they find true love, the guys don't use the word but disguise it and basically ask the same questions. Indeed it is a simple phenomenon and yet so complicated to understand, fathom and above all find in life.

Initially I did start doing a lot of research on the subject as I do with all my articles, and I actually gathered some interesting information, especially from a scientific point of view. Ultimately I was not satisfied with all this quantitative data because I realised that love is in fact an emotion one just has to experience and you cannot just describe it. You can read love in poetry, listen to it in music and some of us even taste it through certain foods. Nevertheless, all these forms of description are never as accurate as the emotion one feels inside their heart, stomach and even glows it on their face.

Love in fact assaults all your senses at once and the feeling cannot be boiled down to one single sense. When you actually feel this wonderful emotion, it has the capacity to send you to planet "everyone here is happy and we are all happy" and at the same time has the power to knock you off your feet and throw you to the ground. Love can cause unlimited happiness and yet excruciating pain too. The latter is probably something most of us deny, but those who accept it can say they have felt true love.

Stages of love - I will not tell you what Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have taught me or what Google highlights when you start your research. My idea of this piece is to work from personal heartfelt emotion. When I first felt what I interpreted as love a long time ago was actually strong attraction, lust, obsession and basically a lot of physical needs which I quietly supressed within me and in my ideal world love was this. I did not act upon these needs because I somehow felt the magic of just imagining it was beautiful and pure. I was scared my bubble would break if these needs were later disappointing and just not how my mind had imagined them to be. So indeed I was probably in a little fairy tale of my own and one could describe it as passive infatuation.

Physical attraction to the opposite sex - Well I did eventually grow up and as all curious teenagers, I too developed an attraction for the opposite sex. It was a beautiful time, I do remember obsessing over many boys and sharing my feelings with my boarding school roommates. We all had our little secrets and some even chose to go that step further and experiment with those physical feelings. This is the first time I learnt that love could hurt. I remember seeing my friends crying over a breakup and how he broke her heart. Really?? He broke her heart after two months of dating. Well back then it was the biggest drama of our lives and of course we all mourned for her.

What I can say from this experience is that yes it hurt. Why, because our emotions were played with and it was all taken very lightly. Even the word "love" was taken far too lightly, because we just knew no better. Despite the downfalls and dramas, we also became stronger and wiser. It is important to fall if you have to get up again!

When one says they feel butterflies in their stomach, well this is damn true. You feel sick in a pleasant way, and although this sounds like a complete oxymoron, it is true. On the flip side when you get hurt, the feeling is equally sickening and you just want to curl up and die.

Now somewhere along the years, I did also learn that these obsessions were not really true love. How did I understand this? It was quite simple; the attraction towards these boys was starting to wear off. I actually didn't find them as gorgeous anymore and began to peel off the layers charm and good looks from them. Some ended up becoming wonderful friends and some just stayed in the chapters of forgotten diaries. I started to appreciate the term friendship more and boys were someone I could talk to, share with and in return there were no expectations. Wow!!

I no longer felt conscious of how I looked in front of boys, and believe me this had always been a HUGE issue with my ever so slightly over weight problem. Clearly I was one step towards progress and I had begun to distinguish between lust, fondness and a new phenomenon had entered my life:  friendships with guys.

In good time I noticed I actually found some of these guys to be more loyal than many of the girls and it was shockingly easier to talk to them. Ladies, you may think guys do not emote or understand us, but I can assure you they know and feel everything.

One major bumper killed this great ride for me. I actually fell for one of my friends and the phase of attraction, obsession some stalking started again. Oops! I do recall this period being rather hard, because the feelings were not mutual and actually far harder to deal with because I had to see this friend all the time and just pretend. I honestly believed this would be temporary and I would just fall out of this obsession and attraction.

At this point I learnt about emotional attachment. A third stage of my progress. I could not find a way to make it go away or deal with it. I thank my girls and some guys at the time that helped me to move on and some offered me solutions like trying to date another guy or to eat obscene amounts of chocolate. Apparently the pain was to heal by adapting such measures. Go figure!

OMG, it struck me one morning that could I be feeling the L word. No, this was not possible because I had not told him anything, he had not given me any signals and above all he was my friend! Well I was in some trouble I think and of course in complete and utter denial.

Sure enough I had to figure out how to deal with this whole mess and I chose to come clean. Yes it sounds drastic and dramatic, but I was no longer willing to play hide and seek with my own self. I shared my roller coaster emotions with my friend. A big burden was off my shoulders and I actually had no expectations in return. This was the point in my life when I learnt about a type of love. Platonic Love! It seemed so messed up and yet the perfect solution that typified each and every symptom I had been feeling. The attraction and lust did grow off and this was ultimately the realisation for me that platonic love can exist.

After this incident I experienced a lot of relationships where there was attraction and lots of respect too. I didn't pursue them too far as I never wanted to fall into platonic love again because as beautiful as it is, I did see the baggage it brought with it and I don't think I was emotionally equipped to handle so much intensity again.

I met my husband and our process followed a similar pattern of attraction, lust, obsession and even a very strong friendship. I didn't know what I was feeling beyond this point because all I wanted was to be with him and we even had an episode of distance. During this episode I felt a void which literally kept me sleepless, I didn't feel hungry and I felt a pain which I couldn't even release through non stop crying. I learnt that day about pure love. I was not scared to admit to it anymore and I actually told him I loved him, before he had said it to me. I didn't know what the consequences would be, but I did know this feeling was pure and sacred.

Sure enough we did get married and years on there have been obstacles in our love. Many of them have tested our patience, anger has often stepped in and I have cried myself to sleep too. However I also know this agony has been inflicted upon me because I am in pure love and this love can give you pain that stabs you, but also turns around and hugs you so hard that you can only hug it back twice over.

Love does not mean you are always happy, love does not always accompany good looks and fabulous bodies. Love is a process of attachment, which speaks only the truth, and essentially it is what saves you from a break up if the cracks need to be filled. A relationship based on pure love will always flourish even if misunderstandings occur, third parties get involved or even distances come in between.

From my experience, I have lost and found again many relationships and the common saviour every single time has been love. We take for granted those we love and therefore hurt them the most too. This happens in all relationships and cultures. Sadly, a lot of us have allowed external factors to tarnish the purity of love and blame love itself to be the cause of our pain. Yes love does cause pain, but that pain is self inflicted because we misuse our trust, boundaries and some of us even try to love the way we want to be loved. You must love how the other person needs to be loved and in return they will love you how you deserve.

The language of love only speaks of healing and faith in one another. You will know if what you feel is love... the rest are just lighter shades of the same family!

    

My little girl

She's here, she's mine

A little bit of sunshine

She holds my hand

Hard

"Promise me you will always be my guard"

Suddenly

Kisses me off guard

She makes me smile

"I love you mama"

She whispers in her own style

She cuddles

Snuggles

Nestles in my arms

My giggling dolly

Tu es vraiment très jolie!

Destino M

Taburetes de piel oscura, mesas altas de wengue. Tarjetones de plexiglás en rojo y vitrinas llenas de delicias que atrapan los ojos. Si eres de Madrid, tienes otro hogar donde te miman sea la hora del día que sea. La famosa M en cursiva, hablamos de Mallorca. Un moderno espacio abierto y a su vez acogedor gracias a su interiorismo cálido de maderas y detalles rojos.

Uno con leche, cortado o americano en taza alta, siempre con la caprichosa galletita de firma. Dulces y salados, divinos pecados. Acompaña tu paladar con canapés, chapatas, ensaimadas o tartas... todas hechas caseras, perfectamente doradas y elaboradas.

¿Te gusta el pan? A quién no. Lo mejor de Mallorca para mí son los tamaños mini que existen. Desde los inglesitos hasta los pancitos, rellenos de lujo como pimientos de piquillo, cangrejo o un simple vegetal. El secreto está en el corte, el horneado y la masa... para mí una calculación precisa que permite una miga tierna y una corteza crujiente. Te lo comes disfrutándolo desde los labios hasta la lengua. 

Los pasteles me pierden. Sabores tradicionales que despiertan recuerdos de infancia, me aturden y me arropan. La selva negra mí preferida...copos de fino chocolate derriten en mi boca, bizcocho meloso que da cuerpo y textura, hasta mi corazón me toca. Enamorada me hago cada vez más del NY Cheesecake, seducida por su cremoso sabor y acaricias aterciopeladas. Continuar puedo continuar, tantos gustos para cada paladar. 

Un santuario de reposo lo es para mí, un tentempié o un respiro... Mallorca te admiro.

All out

A magical time they say

A baby is on the way

A growing belly

Creams and jams and jelly

I start the morning eating healthy
Two breakfasts are fair
A hungry monster pumping my air
Not my fault, I don't care

Mid morning tickles
Bagels and pickles
A cheeky cupcake
For the baby's sake
It's mini I'm told
Take two
I'm sold

Lunch is important
Some curry and rice
Tastes even better with added spice
More curd, more pickle
How did my taste buds turn so fickle?

I'm round and full
Touch my tummy
I'm gonna be a mummy
No more food
Just some dessert
Missing it would be rude

Icecream or cake?
A bit of both
Two scoops and ...
A proper slice not a sliver

Let me lie down
Unwrapping some of the brown
In goes the sweet
A final treat

An hour before dinner
I've got the munchies
Salty crackers and crisps
Sandwich crunchies
Jamon y queso
Un poco de eso

I really am fat
So what am I gonna do about that?
No more snacking
No more slacking

A diet for cravings?
Who was I kidding
To keep me hungry... forbidding 

Now back to business
Before i feel the nausea and dizziness
Double chocolate milkshake
A juicy fat steak
Fries and happy sighs
Don't judge me guys

A magical time they say
My bubba is on its way
Some extra pounds gained
Piles of happiness I can't explain

Is Ageing the new Dying?

I spent a long train journey reading about Nora Ephron who recently passed away at the age of 71 and was an award winning screen writer for films like When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle. I was particularly taken aback by the light hearted way in which she handled the whole concept of ageing. I know I am far from being old and probably do not have any right to tell anyone older how to not self pity themselves, when I have hardly any idea about the fears one faces when they are heading into their 40s , 50s or 60s.

However, it got me thinking about how one treats you when they actually know your numeric age and when they don't know, how things change. I have a friend who is hitting the big 50 very soon, but if you were to look at her for the first time, I doubt you would classify her in the 50s bracket. She would not cross further than 40 in my opinion and I am not saying just physically but also the way in which she speaks to you and the conversations she is able to hold with people much younger than herself or even older. I admire my friend because age has never been an agenda for her. It is true we bitch about our never ending battles of wanting to lose weight, about the best anti wrinkle creams on the market and even joke about wanting to go for a tuck or lift.  

Nevertheless, when we are having a good time our main concern is the fact that we share similar interests and not once does it strike me that I have a 50 year old friend who I willingly want to hang out with.  She will participate in a conversation about bungee jumping, but also share her views on spirituality with you.

Fears against technology. Ephron points out in one of her articles on age shame, about her fear towards technology. She candidly admits that she is unable to get the buttons on her car radio to play her favourite stations. I actually feel her panic myself and I am only 34. It flabbergasts me when I hear my 20 something year old friends telling me there is an "App" for everything. Apparently you can make your coffee through your phone! As much as it fascinates me and I like to think I'm fairly tech savy most of the time, I know I will never be as sophisticated in the world of technology as my 20 something friends. It's not that they are a step ahead of me, it's simply that I have grown up with other gadgets and can identify with the advent of mobile technology with great ease but do get a bit lost when the phone is considered smarter than the human being.

I have another friend who is 24 and he met me for the first time thinking I was also in my 20s, clearly unaware of reality and perhaps my genes were having a remarkably good day. When he did discover my real age, I don't think he even paid attention to this change, because by then our friendship had evolved sufficiently for any of us to really care. This sweet oblivion I do feel breaks down lots of barriers which we often tend to wall ourselves against, when we know the age of the person.  I now get the "you are too old to know this and that" jokes, but it only adds zest to our friendship and he often tells me he forgets that I am in fact so much older to him. I would not say he is more mature or I am immature, it's just two adults getting along. 

Ageing as a disease. Age tends to bring with it intelligence, experience, wisdom and beauty. However, we are still so scared of it and treat the changes as a medical condition. So many women address their wrinkles as some sort of degenerative disease, primarily fueled by the media because women like Helen Mirren are used as images to sell the creams and one forgets that that even Helen Mirren is photoshopped in the adverts. Are these distorted and misleading adverts what cause so many traumatic fears in perfectly beautiful "normal" women? Being bombarded with advertisements of sexy teenagers selling everything from deodorant to furniture just adds even more insecurity in a woman who is starting to enter the wrinkles, bags, cellulite zone.

Unfortunately ageing has been compared to as being the younger cousin of dying. The concept of eternal youth has been embraced by scientists that companies such as L'Oreal are in fact studying the possibility of creating a pill which will prevent grey hair from appearing. This would be the magical pill which will basically stop you from oxidising further. Are we not playing with mother nature and how many of us will actually be able to afford such a pill? And for what? It may just be a cosmetic breakthrough but in turn will promote even more anxieties amongst men and women who will automatically be forced to fall in the ageing bracket, whether they like it or not.

Widening the generation gap. It does not help that our society has made us see in the elderly weakness and ugliness, instead of wisdom and experience. Socially we see the elderly as another group of people altogether, with different tastes and attitudes to the world. Are we basically in denial and just don't want to accept that one day we will also be old and these differences are aggravated by us and the younger generation?

Research has shown that in cultures such as China and Japan where the elderly are regarded as precious members of society, time is spent with such individuals to absorb from them the intellect and wisdom they have to offer us and statistics show that the existence of dementia and depression is far lower in such countries. This implies that such attitudes encourage protection over the elderly and allow them to grow older happily and not suggesting that growing old means growing obsolete. I pose a question to you, how many of us have direct contact on a daily basis with someone older than 60 in our homes or workplace? It's shocking how in countries like the UK, almost a third of people under 25 don't have contact with anyone over 65, creating a further gap between the generations.

I have been living with a 67 year old woman for 11 years now and if I were to describe the mutual benefits we have received from one another over this span of time, it would only encourage young people to perhaps do the same and not opt for a nursing home or old age home for their elders. I agree it is hard, but what isn't in life?

Coming back to the fears of ageing, apart from the impact of media, technology and science, the generation rift and society pressures which one faces when you turn a certain age, there is this loss of control one faces as they grow older.

Taking it purely from an esthetic point of view I will describe a simple example where a woman in her 20s is like the show stopper of society, she is the iPad of style, the cupcake of glamour and basically the hottest thing out there, even if she is broke, still living with her parents and not in a stable job or career. The mere fact that she can be out all night and not wash her hair the next day and just walk out in jeans and a Tee will make her fabulous because she has no wrinkles and her breasts are not sagging. I sound like a superficial wench, but it's the fact of life. A 20 something year old woman is in control and only because she as been portrayed like that by none other than you and me and Gossip Girl of course!

The same woman in her 30s will be desirable and considered ripe and mature, but will consiously spend some extra time applying some corrector and probably not walk out in just a pony tail. Here we see early signs of imperfections, again created by you and me and Sex and the City!

She will enter her 40s, with a clear list of what needs to be tucked and lifted and will have complete knowledge on the magic of corsets and dying your hair will be a taboo subject because you and I both know she is already doing it for a while. I blame all of us and Desperate Housewives!  You get my point right?

A woman is in control if she wants to be and all these external insecurities don't add but instead lessen her beauty. If we speak to women who are currently in their 60s, they will tell you that when they were younger it was more important to them that they had lived two world wars and getting older was not even a concern. Elizabeth Taylor was the iconic actress of their time, but no one wanted to actually be like her.

A woman in her 70s will tell you that the world perceives her as old because of the way she looks, but she doesn't care as in her mind she still feels young. This example relates to my 50 year old girl friend who behaves how she feels and not how society wants her to.

To conclude I want to say that age is not going to be defeated by any of us, it will catch up with us sooner or later. However there are ways in which you can invest in yourself early on and reap the benefits at a later stage. I am 34 and I really feel now is the time to make those investments for myself, to help my ageing process more graceful later on. Exercise, stop smoking if you are a smoker, cut down on the drinking, work on your appearance and make changes that make you happier when you look at yourself in the mirror. An example can be a different haircut.

Lastly, make yourself aware of the achievements you have attained in life until now and be proud of yourself. If you have gained so much by the time you are 30, how can you better the next 30 years of your life? Enjoy what you do and don't regret anything from the past.

We all have our fears, be it in our 20s or in our 60s, but as you grow older the petty things affect you less and let your wrinkles be a petty thing. Don't slap on the cosmetic Band-Aid, instead be fearless and proud of your years rather than shameful of them. We will all continue to dye our hair and use anti wrinkle cream, but in the process don't obsess, for life is too short.

Run away or run towards

I always think yesterday will turn into today and tomorrow will come after that, the common factor in all these transitions is movement. You must keep moving no matter what. Your destination is undetermined but confirmed, if and only you are moving. Keep running and you will see.

I heard about Tathapi from a good friend only recently. She explained about the charity briefly, but what she was most excited and yet anxious about was the fact that she was going to run 10 km for this cause. I took this personally as a big compliment from her, probably because I am a runner and tell her endless stories about my experiences whilst running. Knowing that she had decided to take the leap herself truly made my day. Added to the fact that she was supporting a most noble cause, I admired more the way in which she had embarked upon a journey which involved sacrifice, discipline and above all commitment. Running is not an easy affair, especially when you come from a non sports background. I identify completely with her trials and training moments, as I too went through these three years ago.

Running for me serves two purposes, both very different and yet depending on your frame of mind, can fulfil either goal. I believe running allows you to run away or run towards a situation you either fear or love. It is a constant motion of the body which not only detoxifies you in the physical sense but also cleanses your mind by providing clarity and answers for many questions we can often not answer when standing still. I receive inspiration whilst running and feel free from the bounding chains of everyday life. Seconds, minutes and sometimes hours can become eternal and often insignificant, but when running it’s not about defeating time, it’s about the value of time which we appreciate. Those same seconds or minutes can be crucial towards a “personal best!”

I am proud of my friend because she has accepted a challenge and in her own mind has confronted those fears by training hard, felt the pain and also savoured the glory.

I am going to run for Tathapi too, but in my heart I am running for my friend and although we won’t be running side by side, I know her shadow will accompany me on Sunday morning.