Love is?

I decided to embark upon this subject for several reasons, primarily because it has always been a subject of much discussion amongst a lot of my girlfriends. A lot of the single girls are forever asking me when will they find true love, the guys don't use the word but disguise it and basically ask the same questions. Indeed it is a simple phenomenon and yet so complicated to understand, fathom and above all find in life.

Initially I did start doing a lot of research on the subject as I do with all my articles, and I actually gathered some interesting information, especially from a scientific point of view. Ultimately I was not satisfied with all this quantitative data because I realised that love is in fact an emotion one just has to experience and you cannot just describe it. You can read love in poetry, listen to it in music and some of us even taste it through certain foods. Nevertheless, all these forms of description are never as accurate as the emotion one feels inside their heart, stomach and even glows it on their face.

Love in fact assaults all your senses at once and the feeling cannot be boiled down to one single sense. When you actually feel this wonderful emotion, it has the capacity to send you to planet "everyone here is happy and we are all happy" and at the same time has the power to knock you off your feet and throw you to the ground. Love can cause unlimited happiness and yet excruciating pain too. The latter is probably something most of us deny, but those who accept it can say they have felt true love.

Stages of love - I will not tell you what Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have taught me or what Google highlights when you start your research. My idea of this piece is to work from personal heartfelt emotion. When I first felt what I interpreted as love a long time ago was actually strong attraction, lust, obsession and basically a lot of physical needs which I quietly supressed within me and in my ideal world love was this. I did not act upon these needs because I somehow felt the magic of just imagining it was beautiful and pure. I was scared my bubble would break if these needs were later disappointing and just not how my mind had imagined them to be. So indeed I was probably in a little fairy tale of my own and one could describe it as passive infatuation.

Physical attraction to the opposite sex - Well I did eventually grow up and as all curious teenagers, I too developed an attraction for the opposite sex. It was a beautiful time, I do remember obsessing over many boys and sharing my feelings with my boarding school roommates. We all had our little secrets and some even chose to go that step further and experiment with those physical feelings. This is the first time I learnt that love could hurt. I remember seeing my friends crying over a breakup and how he broke her heart. Really?? He broke her heart after two months of dating. Well back then it was the biggest drama of our lives and of course we all mourned for her.

What I can say from this experience is that yes it hurt. Why, because our emotions were played with and it was all taken very lightly. Even the word "love" was taken far too lightly, because we just knew no better. Despite the downfalls and dramas, we also became stronger and wiser. It is important to fall if you have to get up again!

When one says they feel butterflies in their stomach, well this is damn true. You feel sick in a pleasant way, and although this sounds like a complete oxymoron, it is true. On the flip side when you get hurt, the feeling is equally sickening and you just want to curl up and die.

Now somewhere along the years, I did also learn that these obsessions were not really true love. How did I understand this? It was quite simple; the attraction towards these boys was starting to wear off. I actually didn't find them as gorgeous anymore and began to peel off the layers charm and good looks from them. Some ended up becoming wonderful friends and some just stayed in the chapters of forgotten diaries. I started to appreciate the term friendship more and boys were someone I could talk to, share with and in return there were no expectations. Wow!!

I no longer felt conscious of how I looked in front of boys, and believe me this had always been a HUGE issue with my ever so slightly over weight problem. Clearly I was one step towards progress and I had begun to distinguish between lust, fondness and a new phenomenon had entered my life:  friendships with guys.

In good time I noticed I actually found some of these guys to be more loyal than many of the girls and it was shockingly easier to talk to them. Ladies, you may think guys do not emote or understand us, but I can assure you they know and feel everything.

One major bumper killed this great ride for me. I actually fell for one of my friends and the phase of attraction, obsession some stalking started again. Oops! I do recall this period being rather hard, because the feelings were not mutual and actually far harder to deal with because I had to see this friend all the time and just pretend. I honestly believed this would be temporary and I would just fall out of this obsession and attraction.

At this point I learnt about emotional attachment. A third stage of my progress. I could not find a way to make it go away or deal with it. I thank my girls and some guys at the time that helped me to move on and some offered me solutions like trying to date another guy or to eat obscene amounts of chocolate. Apparently the pain was to heal by adapting such measures. Go figure!

OMG, it struck me one morning that could I be feeling the L word. No, this was not possible because I had not told him anything, he had not given me any signals and above all he was my friend! Well I was in some trouble I think and of course in complete and utter denial.

Sure enough I had to figure out how to deal with this whole mess and I chose to come clean. Yes it sounds drastic and dramatic, but I was no longer willing to play hide and seek with my own self. I shared my roller coaster emotions with my friend. A big burden was off my shoulders and I actually had no expectations in return. This was the point in my life when I learnt about a type of love. Platonic Love! It seemed so messed up and yet the perfect solution that typified each and every symptom I had been feeling. The attraction and lust did grow off and this was ultimately the realisation for me that platonic love can exist.

After this incident I experienced a lot of relationships where there was attraction and lots of respect too. I didn't pursue them too far as I never wanted to fall into platonic love again because as beautiful as it is, I did see the baggage it brought with it and I don't think I was emotionally equipped to handle so much intensity again.

I met my husband and our process followed a similar pattern of attraction, lust, obsession and even a very strong friendship. I didn't know what I was feeling beyond this point because all I wanted was to be with him and we even had an episode of distance. During this episode I felt a void which literally kept me sleepless, I didn't feel hungry and I felt a pain which I couldn't even release through non stop crying. I learnt that day about pure love. I was not scared to admit to it anymore and I actually told him I loved him, before he had said it to me. I didn't know what the consequences would be, but I did know this feeling was pure and sacred.

Sure enough we did get married and years on there have been obstacles in our love. Many of them have tested our patience, anger has often stepped in and I have cried myself to sleep too. However I also know this agony has been inflicted upon me because I am in pure love and this love can give you pain that stabs you, but also turns around and hugs you so hard that you can only hug it back twice over.

Love does not mean you are always happy, love does not always accompany good looks and fabulous bodies. Love is a process of attachment, which speaks only the truth, and essentially it is what saves you from a break up if the cracks need to be filled. A relationship based on pure love will always flourish even if misunderstandings occur, third parties get involved or even distances come in between.

From my experience, I have lost and found again many relationships and the common saviour every single time has been love. We take for granted those we love and therefore hurt them the most too. This happens in all relationships and cultures. Sadly, a lot of us have allowed external factors to tarnish the purity of love and blame love itself to be the cause of our pain. Yes love does cause pain, but that pain is self inflicted because we misuse our trust, boundaries and some of us even try to love the way we want to be loved. You must love how the other person needs to be loved and in return they will love you how you deserve.

The language of love only speaks of healing and faith in one another. You will know if what you feel is love... the rest are just lighter shades of the same family!