I have learnt some very important lessons as of late, about having a best friend. There is very fine, almost invisible line between being selfish and being in each other’s heart without having the need to justify yourself constantly, ratify to your friend that you are indeed their best friend. These changes don’t come over night; it’s a long time process, which I like to refer to as the transition from my 20’s into my 30's.
Most of my close friends don’t actually live in the same city as me, and in our 20’s was when we all separated, after finishing university. Nevertheless, I do remember keeping close communication with most of them and I am talking weekly calls or emails. This would be considered impressive, considering most of us are in fact in different countries altogether. As our lives evolved and most of us found our life partners, progressed in our careers, formed our families, the quantity of time invested on our friends had to take a back seat. This was not a negative fall back; in fact in my personal case I have become more secure in my relationships, especially with my besties. The key to accepting these subtle yet significant changes in your relationship with your best friends is being secure within yourself.
When I was in my 20's I do remember actually calling my best friend at any given moment of the day, effortlessly speaking to her for hours even. Neither her nor I had time management issues or a pressing urgency to wash dishes, hang a washing or cook meals. We really did live in a self - involved bubble and even attended the 5-8 pm happy hours. Today if you asked me to join you for happy hour at that time, I would have to tell you this is my prime time “be on full alert” hour. Back then the things we spoke about were mostly clothes, make up, in depth analysis on the heart throbs of school and of course bitch about how tough our lives were. Really? I am not judging to be honest, because I was a part of that phase and I honestly had no idea about what I truly wanted because we were carefree spirits, embarking on the unknown mysterious. My bestie was my lifeline and had it not been for those late night conversations that follow through into the wee hours of the morning, I probably would not be here today telling you all this.
Today I call my best friend from my car; if we are lucky we speak for 20-25 minutes, depending on the traffic we get on our way to school. I have learnt to make the most of every spare minute. I usually finish that call and live on the buzz for at least another 5-6 hours, smiling to myself because I had the most invigorating phone call with the one person who understands my life and I understand hers. I have another close friend in the USA and she recently had a baby. Our lives are a little different as I have already been through the years of raising a small baby and she is barely surfacing on that experience and has also gone back to work. Our communication is a bare minimum, but a wonderful text will always come through on my phone every so often, to tell me that I am “awesome” and I think it’s my elixir to last me the whole week.
In my 20’s I would spend hours shopping with my best friend, only to find we already had pretty much everything and would end up buying more of the same. Today my shopping trips get as exciting as going to the supermarket, running to the dry cleaners or chemist. As much as I love my shopping and don’t remember the last time I actually went for a few hours to indulge in myself, today I would give priority to those spare hours in having a long drink or meal with my bestie. In my 20’s my friend would have accompanied me to buy those pair of shoes I needed for an occasion, today I will ask her if she has a pair of shoes in her wardrobe that I can borrow and will go well with my outfit.
I remember the conversations I usually had in my 20’s revolved around both of us having a lovely monologue we effortlessly delivered to each other. The degree of self-centeredness was acceptable and completely normal. I say this only because I do not wish to belittle my 20 something year old friends. Today the first thing my best friend will say to me when she texts or sees me is, how are you? This will be a genuine concern to know how I really am. It sounds completely absurd to pin point on such a minor observation, but I have seen this to be the turning point of how one visualises a bestie in their 30’s. I was once told that I have to stop thinking so much about myself and pay attention to those close to me and those who love me. At first I was offended, but quite quickly realised my reason for happiness depended entirely on the happiness of my loved ones. I was indirectly sad not because my life was a mess, but because something was not quite right in the life of my best friend. I made some active changes in my attitude and this may have come in my mid thirties, but was an elementary change towards bettering our friendship.
Navigating through my 20’s was indeed a combination of being in a disengaged confused state of mind and wanting to please others. I am applying this with my friends because I did feel the need to be in touch with them on a continuous basis and to tell them I was there for them. In my thirties I have let go of wanting to please and focused on active intention. My best friend will hear something along the lines of “I have decided to embark on this project because...” In my twenties I would have probably said “I really want to do this, what do you think?” In both scenarios we will actually end up doing what the hell we want, but the difference is not needing a seal of approval in your thirties. Your best friend in your thirties will completely support you no matter what and if they believe your decision is a bad one; they will warn you without you needing to ask for approval or advice.
Advancing through my thirties has been like receiving the gift of enlightenment and I honestly do feel like my best friend and I no longer give a damn about how we want to impress one another like high school girls. We would have had beers at a concert in our twenties and today we will drink champagne at 10 am on a Saturday, not feeling the need to justify to anyone why so early? We swagger through places with a confidence that in our twenties was masked by a box of expectations that shadowed us for a long time.
We still have our moments when we question our prescriptions of life and whether we really are doing the right thing. However, the agendas have disappeared and not seeing her all the time or talking to her all the time is no longer reason to argue over. We have both been shaped and dressed by our twenties and are now unaffected by trips being cancelled because my child fell sick, instead we move to plan B and meet up in my house and drink a bottle of wine.
I would like to say that one is never the same again, but the beauty is that you are only becoming a better version of yourself and your best friend no matter where in the world they are, is also going through the same journey.
Perhaps when I am floating through my 40's and 50's, life will truly reveal the butterfly that lies within me, but I can safely say that the growth with my best friend from 20s to 30s has been amazing and I would not change it for anything.
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