Myday

Some days are not meant for sharing
Monday, Tuesday and then Myday
Tick tock I spend my time alone
Silence cures me
Therapeutic for my bones

Coffee shop corner
Sip the caffeine
Absorb the feeling
The feeling of knowing
I’m thinking, filtering, analysing
Shush! I'm just being

Alone but not lonely
Conversing with myself
Debating with my mind
Patiently quiet I detach
Noise around
Block it out

Turn off the lights
Dark and soothing
Meditation can be so sexy
So alluring

I run alone in the mountains
Trees and leaves
Keep me company
Along with the cool breeze
I feel they talk to me
Sometimes they tease

I like to be in my cloister
Wrapped up cosy in my paraffin wax
I reflect on the cracks
Cracks only I can heal
Only I can feel

Some days are just not meant for sharing
I want to indulge in exile
Please let me be for a while
I’ll surface when I want to
You should try it
If you want to

A Beautiful Mind & A Beautiful Body

I don't want to make this post about what are the best methods to keep fit or to lose weight. I don't feel I am anyone to help a person deal with such issues. However if there is one area in which I am by far the expert, that is giving my own experience which for me has changed my body completely. 

I had noticed in the last 3 years that I had become a slave of the weighing scale and there was always the magic number which I prayed I would find in the mornings. I struggled very hard to reach that number, deep down I knew I would never get there and if I fit into my clothes and looked somewhat presentable then I should be happy with that.  The reason for my struggle was probably related to my childhood chubbiness which had haunted me for a very long time. The year I got married, I do remember feeling like a million dollars, probably because I had found someone who accepted me for the way I looked and loved my face, my curves and the whole package deal. Looking back at my pictures today, I cringe because I really did not look my best in the physical sense. However, I smile because I was glowing and it was a magical time.

So, recently I reflected on my mood. I had not reached my target weight, I felt scared to eat anything which remotely carried more calories than my daily allowance, I was exercising everyday and I was only just fitting into the clothes which I had aspired to fit into. I realised I was making far more sacrifice than reaping benefits from it. The situation didn't seem right! In all this I never uttered a word to anyone and simply sulked to myself. I was obsessed with wanting to fit into this one particular dress which I was supposed to wear for a special occasion in a few weeks time. I had a goal but I was miserable.

Certain events occurred in my life around the same time and they took away the time which I was otherwise investing in my body and a weight loss plan. I had no choice but to ignore my calories, forget the gym and simply focus on these other priorities. 

After about ten days of no dieting and simply eating like a normal person, without performing any exercise, other than my usual running around and mundane chores I noticed one morning that a pair of jeans were loose on me. I didn't believe it at first so I tried on another pair which was usually tight. This pair fit like a glove and I was so excited that I had to show my husband. My immediate thought was to get on the weighing scale. For the first time ever in my life I saw the magic number and I almost fell off the scales. I didn't understand how this had happened. 

The reason this had happened was because I had actually listened to my body. I was being pleaded and begged for years to stop abusing it and start pampering it. As much as this sounds like a contradiction, sometimes you must feed yourself to shed the weight. I admit I had not eaten unhealthily in these past ten days, but the difference was I HAD eaten. Contrary to the past, I had fed myself the same food I feed my family and not worried about an extra chapatti or an added spoon of rice. I was eating and enjoying my food. I was not over eating because I was not obsessed with my food. My meals were a time to relax and not fret over calories. I honestly believe I was allowing my digestive system to work in a relaxed fashion and it didn't feel my pressure or anxiety which had otherwise stressed it in the past. 

This was indeed an awakening and I seriously felt like a million dollars again, but not because I looked good but because I felt good. Coming back to my wedding day, it was far far more important to be emotionally in tune with myself than to be physically in tune. I told my husband about my little secret and he said he had observed a calmer member at the dining table, hoping she was going to stay and not bounce back to her old ways.

It has now been over a month since I made this discovery. The weighing scale reads the same magic number, I fit into all my clothes, I have resumed the gym but I am not obsessed with it. At present I am actually on a fitness break and it doesn't even bother me. I am eating EVERYTHING and I have people who can vouch for that. What I have worked on is to find an equilibrium and a sense of internal tuning. I listen to my body and it responds back. I am nice to it, so it rewards me by being nice back. The rewards can include simple things like sleeping well, not feeling bloated, not feeling starved and more than anything I feel beautiful. 

In life we can spend years doing a yo yo diet, being on a liquid diet, starving, over eating and simply obsessing over a number or a measurement. I will not deny that I don't care about my size, of course I care, but the minute you start caring about your body and not just the naked anatomy, well this is when you can expect a change. We all know what foods are good for us and we even know which fitness plan can benefit us. Nevertheless, we often hammer ourselves with goals and objectives. When you struggle is when your body is crying to you and telling you to stop! Just pay attention and I can guarantee you will be happier, healthier and HOT!!

With a lump in my throat

As the year is coming to an end, I am desperately trying to figure out how to make sense of the senseless country I originate from. I am proud to be an Indian but not one who is from India and has grown up there. I salute my upbringing in Spain, where I have learnt to respect a woman from the minute she helps another woman give birth and plays the role of a mid wife. She is respected when she chooses to look after her parents and gives them priority over her husbands parents. She is respected when she has a right to keep her maiden surname and then pass it on to her children by law. She is respected when addressed as Señora, Señorita or Señora de. She is also respected when she wears a spaghetti strap or needs to wear a burkha at college and her religion is accepted and applauded. She is respected when she gives birth to a third daughter or fourth and with dignity names her after her mother, grandmother or herself. She is respected when she goes through a divorce and is granted automatic custody of her children and compensated by the law. She is also respected when faces domestic violence at home and can pick up the phone and call a free number to report the abuse. She is given a GPS device by the police to carry when faces danger and can be instantly tracked to ensure her safety. I am naming mundane everyday examples which I take for granted in Spain and we are such a small and tiny country compare to Hindustan, mera desh mahaan. It pains me and I feel agony inside my chest when I even think about flying the Indian flag today.

I have not been able to think straight ever since I read about the Delhi gang rape case, but not because it was so brutal, so devastating, so cruel, so monstrous and so disturbing. I have had a lump in my throat because of the way it has been handled. We have all read about the protests that have taken place across the nation, we have all tweeted, facebooked, spread the virals across BBM, WhatsApp and via email too. The media has actively participated in spreading the news across the world, bringing this case to light on the whole planet. But... what has the Indian law done in all this time? The PM, President, CM of Delhi, PC of Delhi and all other powerful politicians, what have they done? I am enraged at the manner in which this whole case has been parceled around by all of them. 

She who will remain anonymous to us by name, fought a battle between life and death from the minute she was attacked on that bus. A bus ride that ultimately took her life and all she ever wanted was to be a doctor and fulfill her dreams. Dreams that were crushed to crumble by six animals, six Indian men who treated her like absolute garbage and threw her out after they were done. Is this what women are in India? Absolute garbage and worthless beings? 

If there is a moment in life to be a proud Indian, well this is certainly not it. I do not want to go back to my country and be on the road worried if I can walk freely without being teased, without being stared at, without being on a public bus in Mumbai at rush hour and being touched, without being approached openly in a book store and asked for my number, without thinking not two but three times if it's alright to wear a sleeveless top and should I carry a shawl, without landing at Mumbai airport and feeling unsafe and volatile because I'm alone and a woman! All these things have happened to me and it gives me goose bumps when I take my memory back to all the examples. 

If 2012 can be called the year of anything, well let it be the one of Indian awakening. Thirteen days is what she suffered to ultimately die and leave us all with bitter sadness and a feeling of helplessness. I ask you if you agree with me, speak your mind and spread your voice.  Every single man in this world has a woman behind his existence. If you have sons, teach them to respect their women. What we are breeding today, will ultimately be our tomorrow.

Soul-mates

I have to admit before I started writing on this subject, my knowledge on soul-mates was fairly jaded and more subjective than I had imagined. I did find that I had somehow fabricated an ideal image of a soul-mate in my head, based on my own fantasies and what stories I have heard from people who have shared with me. This tends to derail your realities and you start to entertain a vision of the perfect soul-mate in a particular person who may not necessarily be your soulmate. Since I was baffled by the meaning of the term "soul-mate", I consider it important to explain the correct definition and also distinguish the differences between a soul-mate, a karmic relationship and a twin flame. 

Soul-mate. This can be an individual of the same sex or even a best friend. You may never have a physical relationship with them but the love and depth of connections between you both will last a lifetime. It is even possible that family members are soul-mates. A soul-mate is usually the person whom you feel instantly comfortable with, you do not feel vulnerable in any way. You want to spend time with one another and are willing to grow spiritually in the same direction. Your soul-mate loves you for who you are and not your physical appearance.

A very important component in a soul-mate union is that it is more than just a romantic relationship which binds you together. The union is on a spiritual level, which is why it goes beyond love and in many cases sex is not even present. There exists an intuitive connection between soul-mates and this is due to a past life connection which both share. We can be completely and honestly who we are, we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. Soul-mates do not share the same soul, rather their souls are different but have connected together to share energies which are compatible. Is a soul-mate always your life partner? Ideally after explaining what a soul-mate is, one would not hesitate to consider that person as a life long companion. However, I will address this a bit later.

I have read a lot of quotes about soul-mates but the following in my opinion, really explains the concept very accurately. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." Elizabeth Gilbert, journalist and author of Eat, Pray Love

I want to move onto karmic relationships, which are often confused for soul-mates. "Karmic" soul mates are two individuals who have come together during a given lifetime to reconcile from a past or previous lives. This kind of relationship is often very intense and of strong attraction, but brings with it a lot of turbulence and turmoil. It can be profound and loving, but can also deteriorate into a negative light. The latter occurs due to unresolved karma between these souls and only through unconditional love and forgiveness is this achieved. Nonetheless, this is not always possible in the same lifetime and   therefore explains the heady emotion, confusion and a sense of "here we go again" dread. This is referred to as "karmic warning bells" by Linda Bray in Discovering Your Soul Mission.

In karmic relationships, sex can also be a powerful karmic trigger and this is a sign which tells you that the person who is giving you wild pleasure and satiates your desires in the moment, is actually resolving karma / unfinished business with you. On the other hand if your experience is passionate, with a sense of security and expansiveness, well this resembles soul-mate sex.

If you are in a karmic relationship you will sense a very intense attraction and a feeling of nervousness too. You will tend to argue and use hurtful words, following it with sex. It's a relationship with highs and lows but no real growth for either partner. Ultimately such relationships need to end, unless you are happy to feel blocked in such intense emotions and have a dramatic result every time.

Do you see the difference between one and another? It's really a fine line with both, because as human beings we cannot always be happy and completely content with ourselves and in turn project this feeling on another person. I would argue, if your soul-mate is your mirror then you must see the negative facets in them as they see them in you and one needs to work hard to make the relationship work. The hard work is something a soul-mate relationship doesn't take into account, as "everything" is acceptable. Tricky isn't it?

So then what is a twin flame? These are two individuals in two separate bodies, but they share the same soul. Twin Flames usually meet each other in their first incarnation, in order to remember the soul vibes of the other individual. Later they are reunited on their final time on earth and when this happens, it is the most magical and exciting experience for both on this planet. However, if they happen to meet before either of them is fully ready, their compatibility fails and the total opposite of what is supposed to occur with twin flames occurs.

As an outsider if you observe Twin Flames, you will sense that they are almost identical and compliment each other very well. It is also hard for them to stay away from each other and they share an intuition, being almost telepathic and often finish each others sentences. Before they even meet it is important to observe the similar parallels their life already share; e.g. growing up in different homes but under a similar upbringing, spiritual education is fundamental in twin flames and above all a maturity within yourself to want to discover your own self. This is why seeing Twin Flames is very rare on this planet.

How does one find their soul-mate/s? Yes it is possible to have more than one in a lifetime. This is because you may have touched many souls in your past lives and have probably shared a relationship with them. If you have lived more lifetimes, well the more chances you will have of finding the perfect soul-mate. Different individuals will touch your soul in different ways and it is possible that only they touch your soul but you remain indifferent in their eyes.

When one finds or thinks they have recognised their soul-mate it is a true one only when you have gone about it in a spiritual sense, being completely open to mystery and not shutting any doors or putting up walls of judgement. I will give you some mundane examples of judgment calls. If you have a list in your head of what you want from your soul-mate, well already you are putting brackets in your open mind. Are you putting up a persona when you meet someone who you are attracted to? Your real self is being masked and this will hinder the soul from reaching out to the other soul. Do you expect a 50/50 agreement with your partner? You will give equally if he/she also gives you? Do you feel they are not pulling their weight in the relationship? When you are in a soul-mate relationship, there will always be more energy channeled from one side towards another, but this doesn't mean the person giving less energy is any less of a soul-mate. The reason for this off balanced energy share is purely related to unresolved karma between the souls. As a true soul-mate you will give infinite energy and never question what you are getting back, because you just don't need in this life time.

Many individuals meet someone whom they are instantly attracted to and feel a strong chemical equation with. They interpret this as having found their soul-mate. This is tricky because physical attraction instantly overrides a strong mental and spiritual connection - which is clearly not present in this apparent soul-mate. This brings me back to the subtle differences between karmic relationships, soul-mates and twin flames.

One must know themselves well in order to allow the quest for a soul-mate search to start. You need to be fully connected with your personality traits and accept your facets and flaws like seeing them in a mirror. Your soul-mate will slap you in the face with the same flaws twice over and you need to have the strength to accept that about yourself. Once you have undergone this process is when you can embrace such a connection and allow it to take accommodate within your soul and not just with your physical body.

This brings me onto my final point, which is whether a life long partner can be your soul-mate and should spiritually realised singles be waiting to marry their soul-mate and nobody else. According to a January 2011 Marist poll, 73% of Americans believe that they are destined to find their one, true, soul mate. The percentage is a bit higher for men (74%) than women (71%). The notion is also higher among younger individuals, with 79% of those under 45 believing in soul mates (as opposed to 69% of those over 45). 

Clearly there is a majority who latch tightly onto the idea of romantic destiny. However, does this belief end up working for us and do soul-mates live "happily ever after"? I always like to quantify my data and see what research is telling me.

Whilst the majority who are believers of romantic destiny (soul-mate believers) think that they will simply "click" and are meant to be, or there is no future and nothing further needs to be done towards making the relationship work. This results in very passionate and satisfied partners at first and once problems arise, these same soul searchers give up on the relationship, blaming it all on lack of soul compatibility. I want to add here the lack of knowledge such individuals have on the subject. As I said earlier, soul-mates do not necessarily have shared interests or personalities. In fact they mirror your flaws and facets and make you want to work on the best in you. Regardless of the instant connection you may share, even soul-mates encounter ups and downs or perhaps you are simply in a karmic relationship. Identify what relationship you are in!

Research shows also the flip side of the coin. There are people who believe in romantic growth, therefore they realise romance is not instant and this grows in the relationship as the couple evolves through time. They believe in solving their issues rather than rejecting a partner for minor disagreements. It turns out to be a satisfied relationship with perhaps not as much euphoria and passion as those that believe in romantic destiny.

Overall the conclusion drawn from this research is clear. A soul-mate potentially damages the chances towards a successful relationship in the belief that a connection is always necessary for a long term future. A person who advocates romantic growth and consciously works, puts effort and has a desired interest in growing with their partner cultivates a long lasting future.

I do agree with this data but also want to add the erroneous information one carries within themselves about what a soul-mate really is. It is more than a connection with the other person and I think this is what leads to a failed relationship when we are convinced the other person is our soul-mate. Had I not read more about the subject, I too would be under the misconception of such ideas, because on the surface the whole notion appears very attractive and almost utopian. It can be if you are in the right frame of mind and mature enough to carry the weight of your other soul.

We do have more than one soul-mate, I support this idea as well. You will only know this if you can live it and on a deeper level the answers will come to you are able to respect all your relationships and honour them. If you can appreciate your loved ones in a spiritual light, this is a good start to lead you in the direction of self discovery and thus to discover your soul-mate/s. The more you are the RIGHT person in your heart, you will find the person you are looking for.

Utopia

A chilly crisp envelops the air
Pencil tip lights adorn
Beautifully warm

Ornaments ornate
Tinsel twinkles
Gold dust sprinkle

Bedazzled by the traffic
Shoppers marching
Stimulating scents
Spend your pennies and cents

Crinkle cut shred

Ribbons and frills
Cut, stick, wrap
Calls for a clap

Succulent mince pies
Subtly spicy
A yearly vice

Boiled candy
Mulled wine or some brandy
Stuffed with stuffing
A final plum pudding

A conspiracy of love
Benevolent
Opulent
Some magic in the sky
A sparkle in your eye

That time of the year
Togetherness and cheer
Christmas... Navidad
All are one

Make someone smile
Even if only for a while

Forbidden Pleasures

Emotions controlled
Aching for your hold
Stand back
I cannot
Cannot allow
Temptation I behold

Deep in your eyes
I read the truth
Heat rising
Stirring pleasure
Inviting treasure

Ions of energy between us
Entrap me closer
Cajoling gaze
Pulsating flames run through my veins

Delete
Erase...
All waves of hunger
Splashing desires crushed away
Washed away

I can't
It's wrong
A forbidden wish
A perverted anguish

Void
Vacant
Echoes bounce off my soul
Confused I stand tall

What if...
I wonder
If only...
I wonder

Surrender

A Gift In Disguise

Getting a surprise is supposed to be a good thing, or at least when it is a positive one you usually experience profound happiness. Negative ones on the other hand are bitter to digest and most definitely hard to accept. Life is full of such surprises and most of the time we humans panic when in a new unforeseen situation.

I recently discovered pretty much from one day to another that the skin on my face is actually normal to greasy, after having dry to very dry skin for pretty much my whole life. My dermatologist broke this news to me and welcomed me to the world of a new skin type. You are probably wondering why I am sharing my skin changes with you. Well to be honest this discovery may seem ordinary to those who have normal /greasy skin but if you have dry skin, it changes a lot in your life. One not only has to buy a new skin care range, one wakes up a different person, feeling different and knowing this is a change that just has to be accepted.

This was my innocent introduction to what I am about to explain to you now. I’ve always toyed with the idea of what it would be like to have a third child in my life. I brush it off lightly, mainly because I am aware of the repercussions it would have on my life and the HUGE changes it would bring to my currently stable and peaceful life. I am happy having two children and although my husband and I joke about this often, we both know deep down that a third would disrupt us for few more years. This interlude of a few years is probably what we are both not ready to embrace.

Now imagine being handed over a child without prior warning, without a nine-month pregnancy in between and most definitely without any preparation time to welcome this child. I suddenly sound like a scene from Three Men and a Baby.

This was slightly different, and had some bitter undertones to it too. We recently discovered that my husband’s mother had to undergo a bypass surgery. For me any type of surgery had always been a very big deal, and this was without a doubt the mother of surgeries.  My journey of what was to be a life changing experience started when I was the one who received the official diagnosis from the cardiologist. 

In a situation of this kind one usually goes through a cycle of emotions. I went through my own cycle too. Initially I felt numb, followed by shock, followed by sadness, followed by fear, followed by denial, followed by acceptance and last of all followed by faith.

   

My husband has two other brothers and they are also married. We are a close-knit family and all big decisions are made together. This was a comforting feeling, knowing everyone was in it together. What distinguished me from them in this whole situation was that I live with my mother in law. I agree they must’ve also felt very sad, especially her sons and the feelings all of us have towards her are equally strong. Nevertheless one cannot deny that the proximity one feels towards a person who lives with them is very different.

I remember addressing this anxiety with my husband, not knowing what would happen once mum would come home and how would we take the best care of her. I realised at this point that God was sending me a third child. I was clearly chosen for this role, and I could not say no. Why was I chosen for this, I knew I was not capable of having three?  A dear friend of mine had always joked with me that he is my third child and remembering his words made me smile. Perhaps I truly was ready to have three!

As we grow older and mature, we do accept changes in life in a better spirit and tell ourselves there must be a reason for all these surprises. However, the reason may not always become clear and sometimes you should just not even look for the reason. Accept and move on.

In my case I did accept, I challenged my own capabilities and taught myself so many new things that I had never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be doing. Was I better prepared than perhaps my sister in laws for the job of the best caretaker? I actually don’t think I was. However, all along I told myself I have been chosen for this role and although I am far from being the best cook, the best nurse, the best psychological counselor or even at the right age to impart any real experience in this field. All odds did seem against me, but I continued to struggle and self teach myself.

Mum has been home for over two weeks now and is progressing very well in her recovery. I see in her the third child in many ways, because I have taken care of her from the minute she stepped back in her house. As with a child one pays close attention to their food timings, creating an environment which is comfortable, helping them to get up and walk, giving them the medication on time and watching them wake up and sleep, I have done the very same.

Like with a new child you experience teething problems, well I faced these too and often felt so helpless too. I went through highs and lows, just the same way one does after giving birth to a child. The highs were seen when she started feeling more hungry, when she would be able to walk for longer than 20 minutes or when she would smile after I promised her an aloo paratha for lunch, provided she would follow it with a long walk.

It’s been a gratifying journey and all along I have continued to wonder why was I the chosen one.

Last weekend we had a friend over to meet her and she revealed in passing conversation as to why I was the chosen one. She told me it was gift I had been granted by Him for my good karmas. I was confused and asked her how she felt this was a gift? She told me the best gift one can receive is the opportunity to perform seva - "selfless service", work or service performed without any thought of reward or personal benefit. (Wikipedia).

Usually people perform seva outside their homes, either in temples, charities or even just by doing community service. I was performing seva in my own home and for my own mother in law. I researched into this further and discovered that the Guru Granth Sahib states: One who performs selfless service, without thought of reward, shall attain his Lord and Master." The Guru states that one who performs selfless service without desire for reward will certainly attain liberation. The need to be "desire-less" ("nehkaami") is critical in making this action fruitful. When one does Seva, one should just do it without any thought for a return - think of it as a duty to the society.

I can confess that these past two weeks have indeed been liberating and I have felt a strange sense of peace within me. I was quite dumbfounded by my friend’s words and smiled to myself.

In life we often face surprises, changes, obstacles and plenty of tests. We all know there is a reason for these occurrences but few of us figure out why it happens. I feel happy to not only have figured out why I was given this test but I feel blessed to have been given this gift of seva, which was His way of rewarding me for my karmas. Whether or not this theory makes sense, I do think it helps to face the test better, when you know it’s a rewarding experience.