I'm not giving any of you new information here, but what is true is that amidst our daily priorities, which often involve other human beings, we actually end up auditioning for other people's lives. I have actually decided to write this post for my friend and also partly for myself.
There is a personality type identified as ENFJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging and this is a person who is considered a Giver. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others. I actually don't classify myself as an ENFJ entirely, but I know for a fact that there are traits of this person in me and others probably feel I am describing them entirely.
It is one thing to think about others and please them, but it is very worrying when you allow your own happiness to be governed by their approval. I have found myself feeling like this on various occasions.
With two children, a husband and of course my family and friends I have often felt like I am doing my best to be the most awesome mum and suddenly out of nowhere both kids will fall ill when I really thought I was doing my very best to feed them well, dress them according to the weather, protect them as much as possible. However, shit happens and obviously it is NOT my fault they fell sick, but a part of me feels like I have failed them and not been the best mother. Does this happen to all mums? Well I think it does. With time however, you learn to accept these downfalls and instead of blaming your upbringing, you choose to embrace these sickies and find the positive side. The upside is usually that they will come out of it stronger and next time, take longer to catch the bug. At no point is any of this your fault or your failed attempt to please your children's needs.
I will give you another example. I organised a house party last year and decided to fabricate a guest list, based on a criteria, which I had discussed with my family. My intentions were not to hurt or exclude anyone on purpose, but often circumstances and even factors like space oblige you to restrict your list. Can we please everyone in this situation? Well frankly NO! I felt bad about this for a while, but after speaking to my mother, she explained to me that no one would ever be fully happy even if you try your best. It's a matter of making the majority happy and that's when your mission is successful.
Lately I have started using the following line in my head lately: Making EVERYONE happy, Are you CRAZY? Literally we would go bonkers if everyone had to pleased.
Why do we want to make everyone happy? The primary reason today is actually to feel part of a community and to feel accepted. In many cultures it is mandatory to please others and then think about yourself. One looks for status and this is gained by making others happy, so their approval grants you that "status" What will he/she think of me? I blame the material world here actually. As the west gets more prosperous, we don't seem to get any happier - why not? It's because money doesn't buy you happiness, your mum was right!
Up to a certain point a higher income can certainly make the difference but once we have the basics like a comfortable home, clothes that protect you and food to feed you, any more money really what it does is provide luxuries which thanks to the marketing strategies these days make you greedier and you start to compare yourself with your peers. If you don't have the latest smartphone then will they find you unacceptable in their social circle? We are effectively feeding off the acceptance of others and seeking popularity through a material world. Let me tell you, if you have increased your bank balance and friends count in parallel fashion, don't be surprised to lose the latter if your income suddenly goes down too.
Going by the "right" rules
On a more psychological level there are moments when you are subconsciously also pleasing others and it has nothing to do with money or material value. I belong to a community where sadly pleasing others is taken for granted, mainly because if you don't then it can have repercussions on your family name and you will be considered ill mannered or rude. Let me give you some real examples which I have picked up over the years and have been given to me by people who I have spoken to:
The main stem of the problem is paranoia and worrying!
If I don’t reply to every tweet, Facebook comment or email, people will never write again... or worse, they will decide to dislike me because my non-responsiveness will be interpreted as bitchy and pretentious.
Worrying that if I don’t say yes to all social events or favours or have a decent reason for saying no, I will badly offend the person asking. Not having the energy to comply or finding the plan a complete drag is not a valid enough reason.
When I haven’t heard back from someone, wondering if I’ve done something to anger or offend, then over-analysing until I do get some sort of sign that they don’t hate me. The IM chat rooms are a hellhole for this kind of example. Why did she say that and not follow it with a smiley? Is she in a bad mood, could I be the reason for her anger?
Accepting less-than-ideal behaviour from people I hate because if I say or do something to indicate I may be upset with them would just not be the acceptable thing to do - normally this occurs within families where one must abide protocol or hierarchy.
Wondering, after some social meet, if I’ve “met expectations” or not — and have been entertaining/cheerful and engaging enough towards the other people. Have I perhaps disappointed them?
Have I empathised and been understanding with the other person, usually far more than I would be with my own self?
All these examples stem from real life situations and it's amazing to see how much of this behaviour goes on in our daily lives. We are constantly struggling to fight the disease to please.
The Breakdown
If one were to look at such individuals from the outside, it would not take a genius to figure out that such pleasing can only be harmful and certainly in no way beneficial. When do we see signs of a fractured self?
I am exhausted from pleasing others, I am not finding any pleasure in this and all I keep doing is sugar coating my soul to make myself believe this is where happiness lies.
I may have made 6 happy, but the other 4 are so unhappy that this makes me feel worse. No prizes for guessing that the latter 4 are actually those that we care for the most.
If you are going to give, well do it with love and taste. Any giving done out of pressure will not bear the same results as the giving done with pleasure. You are no good to anyone if you run yourself ragged, so start to please yourself first and in a fit state of mind you will give quality to those who deserve it.
How do I filter the right people to please from the wrong?
I once read a quote which said "If You’re Absent During My Struggle, Don’t Expect To Be Present During My Success" - I am sure you have all heard of this. I find that my time and dedication should be invested on the people who are willing to invest their time on me when I need them the most. Therefore, if I am happy and surrounded by lots of well wishers, I don't consider this list to be a true reflection of those who actually want to share my happiness with me. Those that are there for me when I am not in a good place determine the real list.
Byron Katie wrote a book I need your Love, Is that true? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. In this book Katie states, “If you are worried about someone else’s business, and they are worried about their own business, then who is looking out for yours?” It is interesting how such a simple question helps us to extract the people who are concerned for us and those who are simply concerned about themselves.
A final tip I would like to give to my friend and pretty much everyone who has identified with my post is to have the "balls" to tell yourself that you DO NOT need anyone’s approval for your own happiness. I say this with a lot of hesitation because I really find myself weak at times to find those "balls". Yet when I am able to, I surface with dignity and attain respect for myself.
Good people are blessed with whole hearts but those same people are also the first to suffer a broken heart. It is not possible to make everyone happy so you may as well stop trying and instead invest your energies in living more for yourself.
2 comments:
Perhaps this 'need to please' also stems from lack of self-confidence - where we believe others will only like us if we do that which pleases them.
As a parent, i think one of the greatest gifts we can give our children is an upbringing which is positive & loving, so that they grow to be kind and caring, but do not disregard their own happiness in trying to win the approval of others.
Loved it, an amazing piece of writing, very intense, makes you think and realize about lots of things and people, thanks Golds
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