Fist of Five

“You are the average of five people you spend most time with” – Jim Rohn. In all honesty this powerful statement hits you hard only when you start to analyse the individuals who shape and influence us to such an extent that our personalities start to resemble theirs in subtle ways. I couldn’t have written the following article without precisely doing just that. As technology is always evolving it’s not only the people you hang out with in person but the top five people you connect with online as well. I will address the online individuals later but to start off with it is important to understand whom we actually choose as our top five people.

There are various reasons for our choices, they may be conscious as well as unconscious. God knows what you want and the dormant desires in your heart. It is important to give yourself permission to receive the desires of your heart. It may be okay to be influenced by peer pressure, but ultimately we must choose our “fist” of five only when all the rings fit comfortably on each finger. If there is a tighter or looser ring, well it will just impede you from functioning smoothly correct?

As a parent our biggest concerns are not really related to the education of or child, their health, environment or the number of hours they spend watching TV. There is a larger more important issue and this is WHO are our children spending their whole day with? Clearly this is often taken for granted if you have made the perfect choice for a good school. Nevertheless, how are you so sure that all the kids who attend this school come from families where the same values are inculcated in them as you would want to impart in your own? Their peers influence their choices for food, clothes, toys, activities, music, the words they use and their overall attitude in times of stress and happiness. I understand today why my parents were always so keen to meet my friends and get to know them. I admit many have moved on since then, but fundamentally my thoughts and core values have been shaped and moulded by the experiences I lived with many of these boys and girls I grew up with.

In adulthood is when we really take the “fist” decision. Choosing your partner can be key to this hand you hold. Thereafter your family members, friends and even colleagues form part of your closest circle. Often we are unable to detach from certain individuals whom perhaps we would ideally like to cut off from. Circumstances don’t allow us to detach so easily and there are times when for example a family member can be an on going source of discouragement and frustration. Abandoning them though is not a realistic option and instead a healthy distance and boundaries can help to remedy such unwanted closeness.

Is your choice of five the fittest for you?

I believe there are always choices we make for hanging out with certain people. You don’t always have a clear bracket for all the people in your life but I think loosely we can label them in three categories. I use this a lot and it seems to work for me.

Disassociation. You have met them and tried to vibe with them, but after being fully objective, have realised there is nothing that keeps you attached to them.

Limited Association. Members in our life that have to be present, like family, but don’t necessarily provide you with powerful connection to change the way you think.

Expanded Association. These individuals are key to shaping our personality further into the magnificent person we want to actually be. As I said earlier, there are dormant desires we have within us and it often takes another person to wake those up and allow us to realise our true potential.

How does this happen?

Certainly not overnight! We all change a little bit everyday and someone is key to bringing that little bit of change in us. We may quietly try something new, quit something and every time this happens we create an inner connection with ourselves that has been resulted as slow impact received by an individual in our life. In a positive light this can be like hitting the nail in your relationships and what more could we ask for? However, this is not always true and quite often we do feel the presence of somebody could be harming us more than benefiting us.

Do you see yourself being encouraged by these people or are you the one constantly being the agony aunt? They may be showering you with compliments all the time, is this just a way of sugar coating you so you remain loyal to them as a friend? A real well-wisher will correct your mistakes if you make any and in return you must do the same.

If we are able to be truthful to these individuals and also hear the truth, this eliminates weaknesses and grey areas. In turn this brings in room for strengths and their genuine concern will only push you towards your real dreams. Often there are people who don’t offer much advice, but they are not fake either, and will lend and ear to hear you out.

Do you feel challenged by your closest few or are living in a complacent space where there is not room for further progress? Have you recently felt inspired by any of these people and vice versa? Tell them and if they seem to be mourning their own failures, well pick them up and introduce them to new ideas.

In my personal opinion, we all need a listener, an adviser, a critic, a lover and a joker. Essentially our personality is made up of these traits, in more or less concentrations. As we spend time with the right or wrong people, these traits tend to descend or ascend depending on how much we get influenced. Life is far too short to analyse the flaws of other people, especially when we ourselves are far from perfect. My best friend always says, “One is imperfectly perfect”. I love her for this because she helps me to slow down and not constantly seek perfection within myself.

Why not try to adopt the best of your dearest and mirror yourself in them. The biggest compliment for me to this day is when anyone, absolutely anyone tells me that I inspire them in their life. I can offer advise, I can listen, I can even analyse your mistakes, I will hug you when you need me to and try to humour you when your days are blue. Whether or not I can perform them all to immaculate perfection, that’s for you to decide.

This article started off being about the five people that you effectively become if you spend the most time with them. I ask you to put yourself in that fist of five and consider how much you see yourself in someone else as one of their five!

Our biggest mistakes are who we choose to have close to us, but an even bigger mistake is who we think are close to, and sadly they are not. Can you see yourself in your best friend, your partner, your cousin, your neighbour or even your yoga teacher? Perhaps the most unexpected individuals consider you to be in their list of five and you are completely oblivious to this fact.

Finally, I want to come back to our online influences and how technology cannot be disregarded in this question. Most of us are actively using the social media, Instant Messaging and even online chat groups for work, personal reasons and just to keep in touch with many people around the world. Without realising we often confess to things or make bold statements through these mediums. It is only because writing it can be far less violent than saying it. Do not fall into the trap of thinking that these online relationships are part of your “fist” of five. I’m not saying they cannot be, but as a blogger I have often found my readers to confide in me and this is hugely appreciated. I do always say the same thing to all of you, seek for your answers inside and then look towards questioning outwardly. Your hand leads to your heart, therefore your five fingers must lie close to you and not on Facebook or Twitter.