Family

In life we all fulfil a role from the minute we are born and this role is what determines our interaction with all the other members of our society. I mean either we are born to be daughters, mothers, wives or just a friend to someone.

So far, I have always written about the individual status one holds in their society, but never actually covered the nucleus as a whole. What is the importance of this foundation, otherwise known as the family.

My experience
As a child I was part of a small family with just a set of parents and a younger brother. Although I was born in a large joint family on both sides, both maternal and paternal side, I never experienced actually living for more than a holiday in this type of unit. Both my parents have five of more siblings each and all lived under one roof for several years. Therefore, they both understood the values of being part of a large family unit and also the consequences of it.

I recall as a young child, my mother made every effort to take my brother and I to India and we spent quality time with both sets of grandparents and respective uncles and aunts. This was only possible during our vacation and we actually did this practically every year and I admit I do have some very fond memories of my time with members of both families. I am thankful my parents provided me with this experience, especially since I did not have such moments in Madrid, the city I actually grew up in. I left for boarding school at the age of 13 and thereafter I was unable to even stay with my immediate family and was in a different country altogether.  My only time with my parents and brother was again on vacation.

Once I got married I embraced my husbands family and I was introduced to a concept that had been completely alien to me my whole life. I was not only living with my husband and his parents, but also with his two brothers, wives and their respective off springs.  This idea was no doubt daunting and certainly overwhelming at first, but I realised the gift I had been granted so many years later. On a practical level this was not feasible due to space, but I was fortunate enough to savour the joint family unit for just under three months, before the other families moved into their own new homes. I was left to live with my husband and in laws.

In addition to that, my husband also has five sets of cousins and their complete families living in the same city as us. This was a lot of family to digest as you can imagine. What proximity and quality of contact I had never received in my growing years, was being granted to me in my 20s. As time has passed, we have all had our own children and today the number of third generation children totals to 13. My own children have the luxury of choosing to play and spend time with their cousins in the same city where they live, and don’t have to travel to India to benefit from this.

Why is family so important?
I never used to think that having close family contact is essential to your character formation and relied heavily on just my parents, brother and some very close friends. I continue to do so and still consider some of my friends closer to me than many of my family members.

Nevertheless I underwent some very bittersweet experiences, which made me realise the importance of having a family in your life. There are few moments in our lives when the family plays a front seat role and no one, absolutely no one else can take the place of these people. When one gets married, when a member of your family passes away and when one gives birth to a child. These are but a few ground breaking events in your life where one values a family.

I will use the example of my own marriage. I got married in Barcelona, which was firstly not my hometown; it was certainly not a city where I have any family either. Therefore, every single friend or family member had to travel a few thousand miles to get to my weddings. I noticed the effort my family made to reach to my wedding and I observed there were people from more than five different countries there, some of them who had travelled for more than 24 hours to get there. I knew then how much my family meant to me and felt so proud to have such a large representation.  My husband himself was overwhelmed to see so many people and also realised how lucky he was to have his entire family living in the same city.

On a more practical level, I know I can count on my sister in laws for pretty much anything when I need a hand, and this unconditional support is only ever available from family. My mother tells me stories of how much she struggled when she moved to Spain once she got married. From living with five brothers, four cousins, numerous uncles and aunts and all under the same roof to an apartment with only her husband and no other family in the city, she was lost and felt very alone.

Today I have learnt the value of a cousin, through the eyes of my children who ooze love towards their cousins. I have learnt the value of an aunt through the interaction of my husband’s cousins with my mother in law. I have even learnt the value of having nephews and nieces through having my own and seeing the interaction between my brothers wife and my own children. It’s interesting how you can read infinite material about family but only really understand the importance it has in your life by either experiencing it first hand or visualizing it in front of you through other members. It took me 23 years to see the worth of such an institution.

A family is the foundation of culture. Every anthropologist will tell you this. Families associate with groups of families, forming networks of social interdependence as families make a living, socialize children, and protect themselves. The family and the culture are supposed to work hand-in-hand.  I know that having a family encourages me to think more about those that are not as fortunate as me and I feel far more protected, knowing there are individuals in my life who are always going to be there for me.

Misunderstanding your family.
There is one golden rule, which I always apply to my life when it comes to family. I must always remind myself that family is the last to appreciate anything you do for them, not because they don’t feel thankful but because in family you take things for granted. In a true family it is your duty to fulfil certain obligations for your family members and if you do it for them, they will do it for you. Of course this is not always the case and haven’t we seen numerous cases of fallouts between spouses, brothers and sisters and even parents with children.

A very important reason for these fallouts comes from the root itself. Cultural artefacts are set against the family. According to anthropologists, the artefacts of a culture — its art, stories, music, and other creations — serve to communicate and to reinforce that culture’s values. By these means, the elders teach the children the ways of the culture. Eventually, the young people learn what they need to know and are initiated into adulthood, whereupon they can start families of their own.

However, families today are put in the strange position of having to protect their children from their own culture.
Our culture’s stories, music and television tend to undermine what parents are trying to inculcate in their children, rather than reinforce in them. Today our popular television, movies, and video games — often embellish immorality. The world they deliver often has no connection to what a family means, paying mostly attention to the adventures of single people who want the world to be their oyster. What entertainment media is doing is showing off the family culture in a negative light and almost as an obstacle and hindrance in the path towards success. Misunderstood children are being given the limelight and considered wise than their annoying parents. Effectively our adolescent culture is creating the path to our future and setting our culture.

The future, a solution
I am going to use a very real example again. When my husband and I decided to have children, we had a long chat about how this was going to change our lives. In a joking sense my husband said to me “I have to work extra hard from now on, to provide a quality life for my children”.  Indeed he was right to say that, but I held him there and explained to him that quality life for his children was not only in a material sense but also quality time with their father. I requested him to start coming home a little earlier, to spend time with his children. We both agreed that it made more sense to gift our son a video game and then play the game with him, than simply gifting it to him.  As I said, this is a small example of family time, but with it you set a foundation, which your child receives at home and nowhere else.

We work for ourselves and later on for our families. However, what good is all this work and money if later you don’t have the time to spend it on your family or yourself.

We are constantly fighting against the forces of popular culture, which infest the minds of our children from a very young age, at pre-school, school, college and later on even in their jobs.

Statistics have shown that since 1986, the average time spent with members of a family on a working day has dropped from 4.2 hours and 10 minutes to 3 hours and 25 minutes in 2005. Even this data is already out-dated and we forget that in 2004 Facebook entered our lives too and last year we spent 8 hours a month on Facebook only.  All jokes apart, the figures are not very promising are they?

Spend time with your family, call them, visit them and even try to take a vacation with them. They will never appreciate you like many of your friends do, but when you are stuck in the mud with nowhere to go, it will be family you will seek to.

You can choose your friends and not your family, but the reason one cannot choose their family is because they are Gods gift and He knows why these people have been attached to your life. You have a large tree sheltering you, and your parents are the trunk. The other family members who enter your life are simply branches growing on your tree. You must feed this tree and let it grow, so it becomes bigger and stronger and provides you shade and shelter when you burn in the heat or wet in a storm.