Pain Kills Pain

Climbing a mountain is very difficult and reaching to the top is even harder. Ask anyone who is a mountaineer.  However, what’s harder is coming down when you have suddenly been pushed and the speed with which you propel to the ground is so unimaginable and unconceivable that your brain actually finds it hard to process. I am referring to my experience, which I like to call 0 to 21 to 0. I have been running for four years now and the time itself indicates the effort I have put towards building my distances over the years. Somewhere down the line of 500-600 km later (I actually never kept count of the distance I have accumulated, because you tend to take it for granted once it becomes a part of your life), I found myself in a position where running was a taboo, a forbidden word, the opposite of realistic and seeing runners on the road made me literally cry. I’ve never really gauged my barometer of sensitivity but I can assure you it was bad.

I suffered a slip disc, which initially I was pretty much in denial of and refused to discuss with quite a few people. I still remember being told at my doctor’s visit and it didn’t sink in until I was driving back home and I had to stop my car because I burst into tears. I knew at that moment what I would miss the most was my running. I didn’t give a damn about the alternatives like cycling or swimming. What stung me was the hard fact that I would probably not be able to run like before or just not at all. In the initial stages of recovery I blocked out my passion for running and focused entirely on strengthening my legs again. From being a mountain runner, my legs felt like jelly merely climbing up the stairs in my home. I was physically weak and walking longer than fifteen minutes would bring back the gruesome pain, forcing me to not sit but lie down.

Whilst I was doing physiotherapy one day, I met with a man who had been run over by a car and he told me he felt he was barely lucky to even be able walk and running or any other high impact sport was written off his chart forever. I didn’t feel wonderful after speaking to him, but I did feel lucky to know I was not in his shoes, and mine fit far better!

The magic wand as I call it, was my chiropractor and good friend Doctor Gregory Veggia. Everyone, literally everyone in my surroundings had chalked off the possibilities of running again. To be honest what I heard a lot was “oh you poor thing, I guess that’s a goodbye to the running huh?” The tone all these people used felt so condescending and belittling. I am certain they only meant the best for me, but I could not feel the sympathy.

Coming back to Gregory, well he is a very realistic and no nonsense fellow. What struck me the most about his methodology was the patience with which he handled my vertebrae, his theory was always to take a positive step to recovery every week and initially what was a short walk turned into an hours walk and then I was told to return to the gym and try some light cycling. There was always a goal in mind. As a sports person I was able to relate to this approach. I had a timeline and I had an ultimate goal. He was and is specific with his treatment and asks all his patients to follow certain rules. I did indeed follow these and continue to do so. He was the only person who casually said to me “well we can have you running hopefully in the summer”. I think I almost felt the need to record his words and play them back to myself as motivation. It overwhelmed me to know this was possible.

The climb back up has been full of jagged moments. I initially started off cycling and felt good doing something different to my usual cardio activity. Nevertheless, my legs still lacked the power I was used to. I was attending the gym regularly but I continued to ache and generally felt lethargic. I knew there was something I was not doing right.

This point in my climb was negative and I went through days of being scared of the gym. My mind wanted to be there but my body was holding me back. I played hide and seek with myself and was in denial of the fact that I was still in pain. In this time of negativity, I bumped into an ex trainer of mine (Alberto Ramos) at the gym and he had been my pillar when I was training for my mountain run last year. We spoke about my problem briefly but I never made him see how low I really felt. He was actually leaving his job at the gym so we were saying goodbye. His parting words to me were “Don’t let go of your running ok?” His tone carried conviction and I really felt like he knew I was almost giving up. His words, as brief as they were, still resonate in my head every so often.

Gregory had warned me there would be good periods and then dark periods. Perhaps I was on the dark side and had to extract myself out of this phase. I took a small holiday and during my holiday I noticed my upper back felt like a block at the end of every day. We were out and about a lot and although I wore flat trainers everywhere and had given my heels their own vacation, I still ached like an old lady. The pain from my hips had disappeared but now I had welcomed a new phenomenon of agony. Frustration accompanied me but also led me to the solution. Pain kills pain. I was in bitter pain and I was in search of my sweet pain.

http://goldieuttamchandani.blogspot.com.es/2012/05/ive-arrived-for-my-daily-spree-one-two.html#.UehRCxZptD0

Suddenly I was made aware of what I needed to do. I had been focusing all this time on strengthening my legs. However what holds your legs up is your back. Not once had I thought about giving fuel to my back. Gregory was adjusting the vertebrae but it was my duty to fine tune these vertebrae and strengthen the muscles. I returned home and immediately started exercising the following week, concentrating this time on stretching the upper and lower back with the correct exercises. I am now in the care of a personal trainer again and she is specific to my needs, watching my progress every week.

Running was a fortuitous accident the first time and the return was again serendipitous. I was on the cycle two weeks ago, warming up a bit. I was listening to a track on my iPod and it brought back memories from a run I had done back in 2011. I felt compelled to get on the treadmill and simply try to jog for a few minutes. I felt like I was being sneaky and searching for a candy bar, but I am a big believer of following the right vibe and this vibe was to go and run. My first leg lifts almost felt like a baby taking his first steps. I recalled the few times in the recent past when I had attempted to cross the road with a small trot and failed miserably. I blocked out those images and focused on my music. 2.4 km later I was the happiest I had been in over two months. He was taking care of me and I knew this because I had no pain. A painless jog was a miracle.

Ever since I have broken down the walls every few days, increasing my distance but always maintaining a steady pace. I went through a run recently where after 3.3 km, my pain made a stubborn appearance. I froze and stopped immediately. There was an explanation for this and I determined the reasons for the pain. Once you are able to find an explanation for any problem, it automatically solves the problem by more than 50%. I applied the logic and the following day wore my faithful trainers, insoles, slept well the night before and stretched well before my run.

The following day was today. I had started my first run at 2.4 km and progressed through in two weeks to 5.75 km. This morning I felt ambitious to fight my war and win it. The victory entailed 10 km. It was a farfetched goal but my mind told me it was possible. I had physique on my side so really it was all about applying the technique and keeping it steady. 73 minutes later I clocked in at 10 km and the rush I felt cannot be explained. My legs were sore and jelly like, but this soreness was sweet and not gruesome. I hurt and will hurt tomorrow too, but I craved this agony for months and today I was able to achieve it. I didn't feel like a winner today, I felt someone greater.

Does a slip disc change your life? Believe me it does! Nevertheless, my philosophy in life has always been to mould yourself to the circumstances and keep doing what you do. Quite often the route will change, but the destination must always be the same.

I love wearing heels and can now wear them again. I love my food and can now eat a sneaky chocolate bar and not feel bad about it because my fitness regime is back. I love my mountains and I aim to go there next week and show off my best moves. I love to dance and have gone back to doing this with my favourite partner, my daughter.

I do realise I will probably not be able to cover the larger distances so easily and nor should I aim to make running my only sport. Balance is best and I know incorporating more of the cycling and swimming will benefit my condition. I am looking forward to these new adventures but I will remain faithful to my first love and run when my legs and back tell me it’s good to go! 0 to 21 http://goldieuttamchandani.blogspot.com.es/2012_02_01_archive.html#.UemuABZptD0 was a very tough journey I have to admit. However, this one here has been the toughest one yet and perhaps that’s what He had planned for me. What won’t kill you will only make you stronger.

I call out to all those individuals who have suffered an injury of any kind, big or small; if you can try to avoid surgery then please do. If your physiotherapy is not allowing you to fully recover then embrace other more holistic methods of treatment. In my case it was a chiropractor and I thank Gregory everyday. I also thank those angels who simply say the right words at the right time and bring you up from the dark side.

I have come back from 0 to 10 and believe me I’m still counting. I wear my experience like a crown and the best way to remain steady in any run is to see that crown on yourself and remind yourself that you were down and now you are up. Coming back up after being at the top is rough, but the merits the second time round are far sweeter.

From Me to You

You smell of a monsoon breeze

Your presence like shivers teasing my spine

You gaze at me with incandescent warmth 

You breathe on me a sheet of protection

You hold me like tightly stitched fabric, weaving your way into my soul

You make me feel my heartbeat 

You tell me my tears are pearls too precious to waste

You sleep me into my dreams 

You wake me up to follow them

You blend into me, melting my fears to make them yours

I am me ... But only because you let me be me

Ire

You should really stop talking
I’m not listening
I’m walking

You are never wrong
Always right
I’m not putting up a fight
With someone who is so uptight

I can be angry
I can be hurt
Your voice hisses into my mind like acid
Don’t try to reason
No longer valid

You judged me fast
What’s left is the past
Over us is now just a grey overcast

Some days I could slap you
This is what anger puts me through
A deadly potion
Plays with my emotion

Others I’m simply numb
Wished I was not so dumb
Just let you twiddle me on your thumb
Treat me like scum

One day you will see
When your ego will be set free
That’s when you will be
A nobody

Apology I’ve given you
Forgiveness too
My broken pieces lie struggling
Between anger and pain
Crumbling

My Safe Place

Shall we get sunbeds or just camp on the sand with our towels, he asked me as we were making our way to the beach. Sunbeds are more comfortable I thought to myself but truly it didn’t matter much, as long as we were just all together.

I spotted some free beds and we arranged ourselves there comfortably. After the sunblock ritual, armbands and allocating the beach toys to each one, I finally felt I could lie down and sink into my new novel. I had not even had a chance to take off my beach dress and beads of sweat were collecting beneath the soft cotton. It was only then I noticed how warm it was that day. A quick dip to cool off and then the novel would be devoured. I motioned to my son that I would be coming in with them. His broad smile was indication enough to inform me of how excited it made them that mama was heading to the water. I have always disliked the initial feeling of stepping on the shore and making contact with the chilled water, adjusting my body to the temperature. Once this drama was over I was swimming in towards my children, who were already having fights over who got to use the inflatable sunbed. I wished inside me that I could simply take authority over it and simply lie on it myself. As their mother I could use my powers and probably just get away with it. Of course I would never do that, the witch in me wasn’t ready to come out yet.

She welcomed me with a flamboyant splashing ceremony. This far from pleased me, when I was about to tell her off and my inner voice sarcastically told me off and reminded me I was on a beach and with a four year old, not lounging in Monaco with the pompous elite. I wiped off my sunglasses and proceeded to invade the sunbed and behave like one more child having fun. He crept up from behind and toppled me over. Clearly there was no difference between grown up and child today. Bearing a cheeky grin he burst out laughing, only re affirming my revenge. Vigorous splashing seemed apt as my vendetta and blurring his vision only made me gregariously laugh further.

We finally toned it down and I regained possession over the sunbed. She lay on top of me and we floated our weight in the calm waters. I felt safe, I felt at peace. Rewinding images from moments earlier made me smile and I decided this was my safe place. I captivated all the instances and created a mental shot.

Moments later I was absorbed by the words in my novel, but took a few minutes to look up and watch my family. Amidst the hundreds of people there, I had placed a spotlight on my three pillars and masked the rest of them out. The novel no longer seemed as interesting and I was in awe of the activity each one was conducting. She simply sat there and patiently searched for shells in the sand. The two boys had found way to play with the ball in the water and were busy volleying, catching and smashing. I knew I didn’t really want to be a part of the ball game and nor was I interested in looking for shells, yet observing each act was so soothing that I sub consciously let out a pleased grin and thanked Him.

We all need to remind ourselves of our safe place and if possible allow your mind to travel into that snug situation to escape those feelings of fear and trepidation.  I had found my own safe place and was never going to let go of it. 

Fingerless

I had cut you off like a finger, so now I just had four. 
But in cutting that finger, my hand was no longer bearing the numbness from before.

The Candle

A piece of me
I can feel but cannot see
Lingers
Floats around
Looking for you

A candle flickers away
There's so much it wants to say
Yet all it does it shine and obey
The words melt with the wax
And give way

A piece of you
Wanders in and out
Constantly
Giving me a shout
I cannot hear
What is this really about?

The candle still stands
Eternal glittering strands
Weighed down by all it
s held in
Words on tip
Yet deep within

You and me
Will glide and be
Graze and brawl
Occasionally

This candle is our light
Will fight and flight
A piece of me
A piece of you
They fall
They melt
Together they felt

Social Media: Addicted or Not?

Social Media : a virtual room full of people where all of us are shouting out information, exchanging views and thoughts and calling for attention. In this room there are also bystanders and those simply watching the show. There are a lucky few who get noticed, the even luckier ones get an answer and of course the luckiest of all who find their solution and are able to offer a solution. 

All jokes aside, Social Media is the most powerful platform today to promote yourself, exchange information in a matter of seconds, build a good image and also screw someone over in a jiffy. All that on the largest global stage fabricated from web-based technologies, where we are all equal and so equal that we even feel close enough to a celebrity to offer our condolences to them when one of their parents passes away.

Social media has only come to possess us in the recent years and prior to that we pretty much relied on traditional methods of advertising for our businesses and on a personal level we actually picked up the phone and made a call. In Social Media one doesn't need a physical voice, all you need is a keypad and the knowledge to be able to communicate in your given language. 

I decided to go back in time and step into the year 2001 for a few days. I disabled my smartphone a few levels and switched off my IM functions, deleted my total of seven social media Apps and kept active only my email accounts, SMS and phone calls. I did realise this would be a sticky affair for me considering I use Social Media not only for work but also on a personal level to promote my blog and to keep in touch with people. 

Nevertheless, I was prepared to take the leap and actually was looking forward to a week without knowing what someone ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner, how the view of the sky was from an airplane, what Candy Crush level someone had crossed, where someone had checked in to drink a cup of coffee, which song they were listening to at 02.23 am or how the change in weather was affecting someone’s mood. With absolutely no offense to anyone, it was simply an experiment I was ready to embark upon.

Initially I felt hugely responsible to inform a few people of my disappearance and this is when I truly realised there was literally only a handful of people who would be hugely affected by my absence on all these networks. An eye opener that was!

I had all kinds of reaction, ranging from “ok”, “what? L Why? Are you okay?”, “when will you be back?” (this last one felt like I was moving to Nepal and detaching from the world), and “I don’t believe you will last for more than a day”.

As amusing as all these reactions were, all these people adjusted to my needs and I was humbled by their efforts to call me from abroad, email me and not expect an instant reply or even leave messages with other people for me.

Apart from my phone battery lasting longer these days, I noticed my mind was relaxed and not scattered. I was not concerned about replying my Whatsapp’s, updating my status on FB or Twitter, Pinning a dress I liked in a store, enhancing my pictures on Instagram, searching for music on Spotify, watching Youtube videos or reading poetry on Tumblr. What a mouthful that was right? Imagine all the time I was saving?

Instead I read the newspaper once a day, used my memory to wish a good friend a Happy Birthday and actually met her for a coffee, without doing a Foursquare check in or taking a picture of our doughnuts and posting them on Instagram. I called my mother and spoke to her for an hour, I read a novel in all my waiting breaks, cleaned out my Inbox, emptied my Trash and deleted over two hundred pictures from my phones memory. It was like Feng Shui was being performed on my phone and I was happy to let it happen.

I did notice also how the social part of the media is simply “a boredom filler” for most of us. I call this TP (Time Pass).  If I was missing on Facebook, no one really cared and if I didn’t tweet or pin then again no one really cared. I was used to speaking to certain people in this social media manner on a daily basis and actually began to believe for a while “yeah we are close!” It’s not that I am not fond of those people or vice versa, but in all honesty had there not been a medium in between, well perhaps communication would be nil or limited. Does this ring a bell? The good old days when we only spoke to someone when there was a true need and this did not label you as anti social did it? I have mentioned my Fist of Five before and in these past few days that fist was alive and very much active, without an instrument in between which held us together.

Conclusions. I agree I did have withdrawal symptoms on occasions and I was especially keen to check up on the posts that were made by some bloggers I follow and I also felt a need to see certain pictures. Nevertheless, this need was not a desperate one and I reminded myself that I could easily survive without these networks and there are other things in my life I most definitely would not survive without. I am luckily not one of those people who suffers from compulsive status updating, but I would like to remind everyone that it’s not healthy to share your problems publicly because other than being judged and probably ridiculed, the fact is Lou Holtz said that 20% don’t actually care and the remaining 80% are actually glad you have them. This is very disturbing and the same applies for your victories and triumphs. 20% don’t care and 80% are probably jealous.

We all do it, I do it and I proudly post, tweet, pin, check in, like, comment, repost and I would dislike too if the option was there. However, it’s good to find a balance and this is one more addiction that can be remedied.

An interesting fact I observed was the time I take to use social media for my business and blog promotion everyday is not more than thirty minutes in total. Yet somehow on a personal level we are able to spend 4-5 hours a day on these networks. Doing what? Well that you should know!

In a positive light, I believe Social Media is fantastic for all the introverts out there. It enables the Internet to act as a buffer first and allows you to prepare for your answers. There are a lot of people who suffer from speech impediments and Social Media has broken down those barriers of prejudice for such people. It boosts their confidence and brings them out of their bubble.

Social Media has also brought the world closer on many levels. It is easier to share knowledge that can be very useful to others via this medium. Blogs play a large role and bring out the objective arguments of many services, products and solutions offered to consumers. An example I like to use is for the hospitality industry. Thanks to you the social media user, I get to hear about your experience at a restaurant or hotel. It enables me to make my decision more carefully and I am deeply thankful for these insights.

Use these magnificent tools to empower you, don't let social media overpower you!