Does everything always happen for a reason?

Nothing happens by chance

For a long time I used to relentlessly question why things would go wrong in my life and seek an answer to the why in all the bad things I would encounter. I realised this would actually distress me further and too much time and negative energy was being consumed, whilst no answers were found. As rash as the following sounds, I decided to stop caring and let life lead its course. It seemed to me that where I was otherwise spending so much time thinking about my misfortunes, if I channelled this time into something more creative and fun, I would reap more benefits and distract my mind too.

In this process of change, I did of course become a little more selfish and where perhaps before I would blame myself for a negative outcome and take strict care in protecting others, the latter had now stopped and I refused to empathise as much anymore. I saw short term benefits from this attitude change but deep down all I was really doing was ignoring the problem by putting up a facade and not fully accepting the fact that negative events take place in our life and we should just face them sooner or later. I was in fact more pissed off with the universe than before.

Then one day I was driving and was looking for a parking space in the city centre. I was already running late for my appointment and was convinced that not in a million years was I going to find parking that day and cursed myself and the city traffic. I stopped at a traffic light and then saw the light change from red to green and I had read in a book about voicing your positive thoughts out loud and if you think positively then the outcome will be positive too. The change from red to green triggered off this thought and I actually started chanting out loud "I am going to find an amazing parking spot". I did think I was somewhat mad to be chanting in my car like this, but a part of me really believed this would work. Within a minute I actually found a parking spot and in no time was I walking towards my appointment venue. It turned out the person I had to meet had missed the bus and they arrived five minutes after me.

This incident taught me a few things. Sometimes your natural path of life can take detours and although we translate this to a negative event, the truth is these minor disasters can often be wonderful gifts, hidden opportunities or life enhancing lessons. The red traffic light turning green was a sign that inspired me to remember what I had read in the book and therefore made me think in a positive way and the fact that I was late didn't matter as I had used that delay towards my personal enhancement and that was the moment I was meant to learn my lesson. I arrived at my appointment in a happy state of mind. Perhaps me finding the parking spot was purely coincidental, as was the person missing the bus and as was I reading into the traffic light too. However, all these events occurred together and what I did was to reap the benefits from each one and see the positive outcome.

As time has passed I still continue not to dwell on things as much as before, but I have added another element to my attitude of dealing with the worst. I want to believe that the things that happen to me have a meaning and that's how life should be. There are definitely days when I feel like I'm the protagonist of a dramatic soap opera, but I try hard to reverse my thoughts to believing that there is a purpose and value to it all. Being positive out loud obliges you to vocalise these thoughts and somehow make it real. When we discover the meaning of these unexpected events, everything literally changes 180º!

How?
You actually believe you are stronger and almost invincible because you have learnt to take the punches and not punch back, but stand strong whilst life continues to punch you. Life will eventually get tired and take off its gloves and wear soft mittens.

You actually feel wiser as you are able to decipher the intricate web of disastrous events and envisage the connection between them.

I will state the example of my training months leading up to my half marathon. From mid December till the month of February approximately, I had to face a different obstacle each week, which hindered my training progress towards the final goal. It varied from cutting cold temperatures to my children falling sick to family stress to me getting a blister, which later got infected only a week before the race. I think the list goes on. After the third week I noticed how it was no coincidence that some new surprise was coming my way and I identified these series of negative events. I decided to actually wait for the next obstacle to come to me and not shy away from it. When I got my blister and my foot was plastered up, disabling me from walking, let alone running I remember telling myself that I will give this misfortune three days to heal and after that I will be at the gym doing my final training before the run. I accepted this final punch as a gift to make me rest before the marathon and took it as a blessing, rather than a disaster. Sure enough I was training within three days and ultimately I was able to finish my marathon smoothly. Had I got the blister in the week of the race, well that would have definitely put me out of the race, so there was a reason why I got it a week before.

When you discover the reason why something happens, you also liberate yourself from self-blame and from blaming others. Normally blame is the easiest answer to any catastrophe and as human beings we hate facing the truth so find consolation in blaming others or blame ourselves to simply label the why. However, when one blames it's like shoving dirt under the carpet, sooner or later the dirt comes out and this blame keeps fogging your thoughts.

When you realise that things happen for a reason you are actually living in real time and not in the past, because you know the life you're meant to be living. Above all you are happy as you have consciously put the loss behind and are eager to embrace a future that only promises well.

Does everything always happen for a reason? I would say yes it does, but often the answers are so deeply profound that not even us the smart human beings are capable of understanding these reasons. In such instances it is always easier to just accept that there may not be a reason and simply it does because it just does. The mere acceptance of this event is often the biggest step towards moving forward and not in reverse.

Regardless of whether things take place for a reason or not, the most important element that solves most of our problems is the solution. We often forget that one can find a solution to most situations before labelling them as life or death. I always believe that under pressure one can perform shockingly better towards a critical situation than in a calmer state of mind. Therefore, in most cases always attempt to solve the problem before it solves you.

Ugly- (1995)

The day has only just begun

Nothing appears like it’s going to be fun

Roll in bed, twist and turn

It’s time to wake up and make a run

Open your eyes and remember

Remember that you are still here

Still far from looking thin and slender

I give up, I want to surrender

Stares and gazes that come my way

Everyday

All the time

Where ever I go, whatever I say

From the outside I appear okay

I have my fantasy

I have my dream

I leap into it and feel supreme

Here I am the princess

Pretty and flawless

The day has only just begun

Nothing appears like it’s going to be fun

Roll in bed, twist and turn

I really must get up and make the run

Reality is quite different

The world is real, not an illusion

My biggest disillusion

Late again, so what’s new?

Get to the bus stop and wait in the queue

I will just always be amongst those few

Summer days

A cove on the Costa Brava I discovered last summer.

Bodies lie horizontal
On a mattress of soft sand
A sheet of towel in between
Splish splash drops
A ball drops

Rays of sunshine
Screen the sky
Flames of heat
Burning feet
Smothering lotion
A soothing potion

She plays with seashells
Curiously dwells
Digs deeper, massaging her fingers
Crumbs of sand highlight her strands
Looks at me
Flirts with her eyes
...happy sighs

A timid hush
Coquetish rush
A scream of fear
A celebratory cheer
These ripples are not shy
Loud and clear
Can you hear?

All day long the waves perform their dance
Splish splash
Crash
A turbulent romance

A dreamy breeze
A lethargic ease
Strong hands
Familiar touch
I've missed you
So much

An anesthetizing hiss
We kiss
Tickling fingers
A warm breath lingers
Spine
Nape
Escape

The sun crawls down
Pomegranate paints the horizon
Merging wigwag violet azure
We stand there
Hand in hand
Bedazzled by the sunset that shimmers the land

Choice or Chance - Serendipity

"Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences, but rather a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite sublime plan" - Serendipity 2001 (Film)

The definition of Serendipity is actually a fortunate accident that leads you to discover something. The following is a piece about the way many of us live our day to day lives floating around believing that these so called "accidents" and occurrences can crack a crucial equation to the events of our life. Clearly this idea breaks the rules of logic and simple science and perhaps you'd imagine I'm just living a fantasy fairy tale. The world is quite divided on this idea and many also think these signs are just happy coincidences and move along, without paying much regard to them.

Ironically, one of the most famous examples of such a fortuitous accident was the discovery of penicillin. Alexander Fleming returned from a holiday to find penicillin molds had killed bacteria that Fleming had neglected to disinfect. There are plenty of other such cases where one can blame an accident or sign which was there for someone to either ignore or acknowledge and the result possibly changed that person’s life. 

Depending on the culture, religion or heritage you come from, different signs appear in our lives and we all have them in the unconscious of our minds. However, depending on if you wish to live by choice or chance you choose to read into these signs or ignore them.

What is a sign?
They are like messengers of important information about your current or future life. They can be subtle reflections of what is going on with you or inside of you. They work in different ways and forms;

Dreams- Have you ever had a recurring dream where perhaps you remember symbols, words, phrases, people or even a song?
Conversations- Often these are fragments or slips of the tongue. There is always a reason we have a conversation with someone. I was once on a flight and sat next to a total stranger who told me she had studied at the same boarding school as me, although much more senior to me and had later gone on to study the same degree as me at a different university to mine. She got married soon after her graduation and had two children. I was still not a graduate at the time but met a woman who seemed to fit the exact description of what my life would be in the future. I only didn't know it at the time. At the end of the flight she discovered she had been sitting in the wrong seat all along and had misread her boarding pass. I conclude from this little story that you must listen carefully and take in all that you hear. It's important to not think much about what you are going to say, but to infact live in the moment.
Random thoughts- When you are doing something seemingly normal do you get random thoughts that run through your mind. You may hear of a random topic or person, almost like a tangent it does not relate to your present activity, but a few days later the same thought or person runs through your mind or even crops up in your real life. We all live such moments, but very few of us actually pay attention to these thoughts and wonder why?
Media- Sometimes scenes, commentary can all be interpreted as a message that is being conveyed to you. Books, billboards, magazines and nowadays even printed words or phrases we read on t-shirts or in the social media can feel like they are jumping out at you and giving you the answer you need. Read your fortune cookie next time, you never know!
People (known/unknown) - Everyone is put into your path to cross with you or meet you at a junction of your life. You must not disregard these people; they are supposed to represent an answer for you. Most of all don't forget that you could also be a messenger for someone else. I once kept meeting the same guy in the elevator when I worked in a bank. I decided to say hello one day and it turned out this guy was a neighbour of mine who lived on the floor above me. All these years I had never met him in my home elevator, but instead I was supposed to meet him in my work elevator. Next time you have an "elevator" meeting, perhaps you should seize those seconds and say hello. 

These are but a few of the ways by which we see signs and the believers like myself often choose to pursue them further. Others, who are indifferent to such anecdotes, merely regard them as happy coincidences of life. I agree with the latter and it is possible that many of these "signs" are just happy pills to keep us smiling through the day. However, I also think there are times one must take those leaps of faith and actually follow the signs. You won't know whether they're good or bad until you test them right? 

This time I decided to consider the reasons why others like myself would consider paying attention to these signs and launched a question to a group of around 20 individuals and gave them multiple choice answers, also allowing room for additional input from their side. My question was simple; You believe in signs because, a) they are like messengers of information that bring me closer to the solution b) God is sending his answers in this anonymous fashion c) I just feel better following them, they act as a reassuring device. 

This mini survey brought out a perfect balance of answers, but what I noticed a lot was that many chose to interlink their responses by using either A and B or B and C. I concluded from my research that as human beings we always need answers to everything and many of us like to hear these from a third party or in the form of a sign. Most of the time these answers actually lie within us, but we have this urge to search outside. Our brain works in a complex way and the uncertainties that lie within us are comforted by these positive signs that we see or hear in the exterior. In cases where you have a faith in God, well as Albert Einstein said coincidence is Gods way of remaining anonymous. We reaffirm our faith in Him by accepting that these signs are anonymous messages he wants to send you in order to help you thorough a problem. I.e. our prayers have been answered. 

I want to end this piece asking you all a famous question which has eternally been considered as the statement which is used as a tool for dealing with acceptance. If signs and anecdotes in our life are meant to lead the way for us and guide us towards the solution or at least part of the solution and there is a force in the universe that pushes you towards or away from an outcome, is it always true that the result is always for the best?

Does everything happen for a reason? Are all the outcomes, even the most negative ones like death or terminal illnesses meant to happen because what you are meant to accept from them are the actual lessons they teach you? I end on this note and no prizes for guessing what I will be embarking on next. 

Special thanks to a few close friends who have contributed to this piece by providing me motivation, data and lived examples of "serendipity" with me.

Rebirth...Spring

Rays of warmth penetrate the ground
Beams of majestic light
Commanding presence
I'm here, it's my right
Sun light

They hum a tune
Dance in the wind
I see them grin
Blooming flowers
Happy petals

Warm gentle winds
Clear skies
Budding dafs, buzzing bees
Itchy eyes... and a few sighs

Picnics in the park
It's no longer dark
Lovers stretching out
Under the dormant trees
Their love awakes
So do the trees

The birth of nature
A true adventure
All is new
The earth bears a special hue

Drip drop rain
Rat a tat tat on my window pane
Musky green
Aquamarine
The air smells clean

Children playing all around
No longer homebound
Balls and bicycles
Slides and swings
It's finally Spring

My everything

Capuccino tinted dermis
Button nose
Velvet strokes
Soft apple cheeks
Plump
Pink
I watch and think...

Forehead
Framed by feathers of slate
Tresses of ash
Each decadent lash
Never ending
Sweeping long
Across each almond
Eye blink
I watch and think...

A nest of hair
Powdery black
Waves of dark
A cushion of black ink
I watch and think...

Sparkling glitter drips from those eyes
You grip me with your ties
A smile to mesmerize
The perfect sunrise
I love you Mama
A cheeky wink
I watch and think...

Your laughter infects the skies
Cloudy blues turn to bright highs
A voice that heals
A void that fills
Sweet nothings
That's the thing

I watch...
I think...you are my everything

Marriage - is it for everyone?

A good friend recently told me that there are two things which really move a human being, both physically and emotionally. Love and Fear. These are the two basic emotions for which we will either draw ourselves closer to a person, place or thing or in fear repel ourselves from the same. Sometimes even in ill health we would not displace ourselves, but when in love with someone or horribly scared of something will be motivated to shift even the highest of mountains. This pearl of wisdom led me to think that the sustenance of all our relationships is unequivocally nourished by these e-motions (evolving motions). 

Marriage. An institution which equates to positive permanent legal commitment to another person. What comes from a marriage is usually a happy family and this is positive for our children as it breeds stability and continuity with the same person and translates as the glue that holds our society together. Over time there has been great debate as to whether this institution really does have all those positive factors which the definition poses and marriage has been scrutinised by cynics, especially in the West.  

I begin to wonder whether all this angst is actually fuelled by the actual label of marriage which expects one to fulfill a certain role that promotes happy families and stability or the other label which would be the legal consequence of a break up - Divorce. Seeing it from either way, it's a ghastly pressure (fear) which our young people of today are facing and therefore failing to legally commit first to marriage, in the fear of what may result from it, the ultimate disaster - a divorce. 

Interestingly what didn't convince me from the beginning was the textual definition of marriage and I dug into this further. The Romans actually had a rather peculiar view towards marriage - matroimonia debent esse libera or marriages ought to be free. What this meant was that either spouse could opt out of marriage if things weren't working out for them. It wasn't until centuries later in Victorian England that interpretation was changed. People then got married and stayed together for better or for worse. It was then that the term "divorce" was frowned upon and if one got divorced, they would be socially marginated. 

Funny how both these views are actually relevant in today’s society, depending on which part of the world or culture you belong to. Clearly there is a basic notion that society has established rules and laws which dictate that marriage and divorce are legal terms which enable the framework of human relationships to work. Doesn't this almost sound dictatorial? So if you are married then you will be happy and if you are not then you should get a divorce? I'm just saying it's no secret that the divorce figures are ascending worldwide, young people are taking longer and longer to get married with a big fear to commit, adultery is rising and single parents are predominating.  

Talking about this subject with another friend, she said to me humans are not engineered to remain monogamous forever. I was curious to learn more about this bold statement and discovered; Christopher Ryan, an American phsychologist states in his book - Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality a theory which from a biological perspective says men and women simply are not meant to be in eternal monogamous unions. This is all based on evidence he provides from human physiology, archaeology, primate biology and anthropological studies of pre-agricultural tribes around the world. They debate that monogamy and the family base are more recent solutions than most of us would expect and far less natural than most of us have been raised to believe. As provocative as this argument may appear, it is very hard to dismiss, given the statistical data we find everyday in our press.

The conservative readers will most probably state other reasons for why marriages fail and will raise points such as lack of understanding and communication, low tolerance, career over marriage, interference of parents or in laws, mental instability, abuse and the list goes on. It is a fact that living with someone is not easy. I am yet again quoting another married friend. The fact of the matter remains that we are struggling harder to keep our marriages alive and this is the question which all of us ask; why is it so much harder for us than it was for our parents or grandparents?

Access to more information, education and overall exposure has played a very large role in this debate. We demand a lot more than before and in this process of self enrichment have made it all about ourselves. We have become more self centered, selfish and really just kept the self part, forgetting that a marriage is about two people. It's not about being compatible, it's actually about dealing with your incompatibilities . 

Barack Obama, Audacity of Hope 2006 stated 'marriage education workshops can make a real difference in helping married couples stay together and encouraging unmarried couples who are living together to form a more lasting bond.' What strikes me here are the words marriage education. So difficult has it become to live with each other that we need to be taught how to do it?

I agree that marriage counselling is beneficial to many but really not to all. I think the pressures of being in a marriage and what is expected of you as a spouse or as a parent are what make you want to run away from it, rather than enjoy the experience. Has society created what they think is the perfect recipe to a marriage and are we all just constantly trying to provide the ingredients? 

Khalil Gibran a personal favourite of mine, says in the Prophet about marriage; love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls... give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf... Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping....and stand together, yet not too near together. In simple terms this translates to: grow with your spouse but don't lose yourself in the process. 

I firmly advocate the institution of marriage but I also believe we all have a past and our origins as human beings encourage us to be unique - homo (one) sapien. If you are unique, so is your partner and you must mutually complement each other not mutually exclude. To be in a relationship means to learn from each other and as Rocky said "I got gaps, you got gaps. We fill each others gaps"