The Need Of The Hour

In light of the rape and sexual violence cases we read and hear about in the Indian news everyday and now even more on International headlines, it has become nothing short of an epidemic in India. Sadly the numbers only keep growing and despite all the protests and changes in the law which have been made, more so after the December 2012 Delhi gang rape incident, not only is that case still unresolved but hundreds of others just keep cropping up all over the country.

Safety for women in India has become a serious problem, especially in cities such as Delhi and Calcutta. One wonders where the root of the problem lies. Laws have been instilled, security for women has increased and the Indian legal system has even introduced fast track courts for cases of sexual violence to be resolved faster. Nevertheless the number of rape cases keeps growing. Why is that?

I was speaking to a friend about this and explained to her how affected I get when I read about or watch documentaries about such incidents. I feel helpless and wish to do something to help. It’s all good to manifest against such animal behaviour, push the Indian politicians in taking matters more at hand, demand more security for our women or even sympathise with or help the victims who have lived such horrendous ordeals.

Nevertheless, does any of this actually serve as a permanent solution towards eradicating this disease? It’s really just a punishment given to the culprits and in many cases a simple warning. Women continue to fear for their life and society still insists women don’t go out alone after dark and daughters are forever told to dress “appropriately”. There are many more examples of how a woman lives her life very differently in India than other parts of the world.

It is my belief that women in India today have been denied their freedom and I know it is a very strong allegation to make, but my personal experience is witness to this lack of freedom that I yearn when I am in India, albeit for a short period of time. I am a 35 year old woman with 2 children and I don’t feel I am able to go out with my children alone in a metro city such as Mumbai or Delhi, without being stared at, commented on, approached by men in bookstores, verbally harassed at an ice cream parlour and even touched on a crowded train. Thankfully, I am not wounded by these incidents and nor have they left me permanent scars. However, I do feel disgusted and manipulated against my will. This is the freedom I am talking about!

My friend told me the best I can do is what I am already doing and that is raising two sensitive and thoughtful human beings. Charity begins at home as we all know, but education also begins at home. Moral education is far more important than the academic one you will ultimately receive outside your home.

I have both a son and a daughter, and I get told that I must raise my daughter to be independent and street smart; given the volatile climate we live in today. I don’t disagree with this advice at all, but I believe the possible dangers that she may or may not face will be produced through her interaction with the opposite sex, if we are talking about sexual violence. Therefore, I must not forget that the opposite sex is also my son! I feel it is equally important to raise my son to be sensitive towards women and their needs.

I want this article to be about our sons and not just Indian sons. Rape and sexual violence is spread all over the world, unfortunately India touches my soul far more as I am an Indian woman living abroad. As a parent I do feel responsible for the men and women of tomorrow as I am raising two of them myself.

In this race of equality we have successfully shown our daughters to grow up like men and physically as well as emotionally be capable to stand boldly in societies where they have to fight the odds as adults. Isn’t that what poor Jyoti was doing before she got raped? She was pursuing her dream to become a doctor and fulfil a career where she was the daughter amongst sons. Her parents gave her the education and opportunities, despite their humble backgrounds.

If I am asking my daughter to stay away from a potentially risky situation with boys, then it is my duty to teach my son to watch his behaviour with girls. Be it male or female, when you raise either, a respect for the opposite sex is paramount in their upbringing. This reflects in the long run on their rights, their freedom and above all their dignity. The latter will ultimately have a huge repercussion on building a robust society.

My children are still very young so I cannot speak for my experience with teenagers or older. However, I believe seeds are sown early on and it’s the minor examples in your childhood that greatly shape your personality later on. Let me share some simple examples with you. I practice these at home and I am hoping my efforts are not going to waste.

If my daughter helps me to set the table for a meal, my son is responsible for clearing up afterwards. If she chooses to defend herself by hitting him when in a fight, he is not allowed to hit her back. An eye for an eye is not the practice we follow. He is given a verbal apology, followed by a hug.

If my son speaks rudely to me, his father immediately intervenes and demands an apology be made to me. My son is constantly reminded of the respect with which he must address his mother, grandmother and above all his younger sister.

We have nicknames at home for each other. My husband is the king and I am the queen. My son is the prince and daughter the princess. Through this naming system we have introduced a subtle hierarchy of both respect and equality between all the members of this family.

My children usually ask either of us for permission to do something important, and we have a rule where the other parent has to give consent in order for them to go ahead. If one of us disagrees, they are not allowed to go ahead. It makes no difference if my husband has said yes, because we are equal in parenting and my children are aware of this.

My husband and I both uproot from a traditional, more conservative Indian upbringing and it is a fact that there is always a subtle element of chauvinism in the way we take our decisions. However, the way in which we have evolved, compared to our parents is to encourage a more open channel of communication between my son and I and between my daughter and my husband. The angle from which I will possibly address a situation with my son will differ to my husband’s approach, but our destination is the same. These methodologies are what our son needs to see and respect, irrespective of the solution that he arrives at. He must be empathetic to a woman's point of view as well as a man's. 

My son is at an age where he finds girls silly and stupid. Clearly this is a phase, but we have always ensured that he is comfortable with his female cousins, given that he is in the minority. I never make a special effort to make sure my daughter has a girl to play with or my son has a boy to play with. They have to feel comfortable having both female and male friends, and growing up in such dynamics will encourage equality and comfort zones between both sexes.

Both my son and husband share a strong fondness for football, the sport watched as well as played. It is no secret that it is considered traditionally a more masculine sport. My son often makes comments like "football is for boys only!" I have never stopped him from enjoying the sport but off late my husband decided to involve my daughter more in the sport too, by showing her an album where you fill with stickers of the Spanish La Liga teams, their players, managers and other related information. She may not be playing the game, but she has created an interest in the game through this method. Both siblings now exchange stickers to fill their respective albums and my son has stopped saying that football is for boys only.  

I don’t believe it’s about raising a daughter or a son. I look at their personality and character first and decide how much more or less sensitive each one is. A human being is what I am raising! I went to boarding school at the age of 13 and my brother was 10 at the time. Even if he was the boy and I was the girl, it did not mean he was more ready to attend such an institution, just because boys are supposed to be tough and girls soft. The truth is, boys need to be soft when a situation calls for it and girls most definitely need to be tough when there is a need. If you type caste each gender, well that’s when the problems arise.

A woman with a firm character and moral values will never disrespect her father, husband or any man in her surroundings. She will not abuse her freedom or put down her family and lose her dignity by falling in the wrong company or indulging in incorrect practises. Her early moral education will stay with her, help her make the right choices towards a more functional and independent life.

Similarly, a man with the same moral sensibility and frame will never harm or harass another woman physically or mentally, whether she is the wife or any unknown woman. They won’t assault a woman’s basic rights of freedom and dignity. If a man is brought up with the correct pattern of thoughts, issues such as rape, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse are not going to find a place in his life. His position for a woman will be to respect her for her existence and the good she brings in his life as well as for society.

If you have a son, let him be the reason tomorrow for a girl to walk with her head up. The change is sitting in our home; we all must take responsibility for it. 

Mon Amie (My Friend)

Coffee cup froth
A lipstick mark
Low ceilings, it's quite dark

Confessions we share
Sometimes we just stare
You are my friend, it's all fair

An inside joke
Over a tall glass of coke
We stomach sweet laughter
Salty tears too
You are my friend, someone I cling to

A 3am call
Unnecessary trip to the mall
Make up malfunction
Wardrobe dysfunction
You'd tell me
You are my friend you see

Boredom texts
Silly nicknames
No lies, no pretexts

PMS mornings
No need for warnings
Shout and scream
You will always offer me ice cream

Matching bangles
Endless pictures together we take
You are my friend, not a faux or fake

Cute personal gifts
No misfits
"He's cute don't you think?"
Some sighs and a blink
You are my friend, are you up for a drink?

I'm down, you pick me up
I'm wrong, you beat me up
My emergency number
My number one slumber

You are my friend
You listen to comprehend
You deal with all my split ends
I can sometimes offend
But you are with me
Till the end

Thoughts Tip-Offs

1. Your mum is always right, well almost always!
2. Take a sneaky moment to dream when your eyes are open
3. Drink lots and lots of water
4. When you are angry, walk away and lock yourself in the loo. Then scream and shout, and take it all out!
5. If you don't like who you are looking at, read a book instead
6. If you are scared you will say the wrong thing, quickly drink a glass of water
7. If you don't like what they are saying, turn up your music
8. When in doubt, leave it and sleep on it
9. Work hard but play just as hard
10. Patience is a virtue...actually it's a super power so acquire it from the right super hero
11. Your body is strong but only because your mind controls it
12. Sometimes chocolate REALLY is the answer 
13. Be you, throw the fakes away
14. Love more than your lover, it's the best investment
15. Help someone everyday, the next best investment
16. Travel and meet people from all walks of life, you might learn something new
17. Tomorrow will be a better day
18. Stay in touch with your old friends, they helped you become a part of who you are today
19. Take a few risks and always carry tissues
20. Earn your respect, don't demand it
21. Eat something raw and something cooked in every meal
22. Throw away what's in your way
23. Speak to a child and get their perspective
24. It's totally fine if at times you follow a vibe or sign
25. Be mindful, be thankful
26. Always wear perfume and your best smile
27. Wake up, dress up and show up - buckle up
28. Pray
29. Walk in your shoes but look at other footprints too
30. I've said enough.. give me the 30th tip :)

Pain Kills Pain

Climbing a mountain is very difficult and reaching to the top is even harder. Ask anyone who is a mountaineer.  However, what’s harder is coming down when you have suddenly been pushed and the speed with which you propel to the ground is so unimaginable and unconceivable that your brain actually finds it hard to process. I am referring to my experience, which I like to call 0 to 21 to 0. I have been running for four years now and the time itself indicates the effort I have put towards building my distances over the years. Somewhere down the line of 500-600 km later (I actually never kept count of the distance I have accumulated, because you tend to take it for granted once it becomes a part of your life), I found myself in a position where running was a taboo, a forbidden word, the opposite of realistic and seeing runners on the road made me literally cry. I’ve never really gauged my barometer of sensitivity but I can assure you it was bad.

I suffered a slip disc, which initially I was pretty much in denial of and refused to discuss with quite a few people. I still remember being told at my doctor’s visit and it didn’t sink in until I was driving back home and I had to stop my car because I burst into tears. I knew at that moment what I would miss the most was my running. I didn’t give a damn about the alternatives like cycling or swimming. What stung me was the hard fact that I would probably not be able to run like before or just not at all. In the initial stages of recovery I blocked out my passion for running and focused entirely on strengthening my legs again. From being a mountain runner, my legs felt like jelly merely climbing up the stairs in my home. I was physically weak and walking longer than fifteen minutes would bring back the gruesome pain, forcing me to not sit but lie down.

Whilst I was doing physiotherapy one day, I met with a man who had been run over by a car and he told me he felt he was barely lucky to even be able walk and running or any other high impact sport was written off his chart forever. I didn’t feel wonderful after speaking to him, but I did feel lucky to know I was not in his shoes, and mine fit far better!

The magic wand as I call it, was my chiropractor and good friend Doctor Gregory Veggia. Everyone, literally everyone in my surroundings had chalked off the possibilities of running again. To be honest what I heard a lot was “oh you poor thing, I guess that’s a goodbye to the running huh?” The tone all these people used felt so condescending and belittling. I am certain they only meant the best for me, but I could not feel the sympathy.

Coming back to Gregory, well he is a very realistic and no nonsense fellow. What struck me the most about his methodology was the patience with which he handled my vertebrae, his theory was always to take a positive step to recovery every week and initially what was a short walk turned into an hours walk and then I was told to return to the gym and try some light cycling. There was always a goal in mind. As a sports person I was able to relate to this approach. I had a timeline and I had an ultimate goal. He was and is specific with his treatment and asks all his patients to follow certain rules. I did indeed follow these and continue to do so. He was the only person who casually said to me “well we can have you running hopefully in the summer”. I think I almost felt the need to record his words and play them back to myself as motivation. It overwhelmed me to know this was possible.

The climb back up has been full of jagged moments. I initially started off cycling and felt good doing something different to my usual cardio activity. Nevertheless, my legs still lacked the power I was used to. I was attending the gym regularly but I continued to ache and generally felt lethargic. I knew there was something I was not doing right.

This point in my climb was negative and I went through days of being scared of the gym. My mind wanted to be there but my body was holding me back. I played hide and seek with myself and was in denial of the fact that I was still in pain. In this time of negativity, I bumped into an ex trainer of mine (Alberto Ramos) at the gym and he had been my pillar when I was training for my mountain run last year. We spoke about my problem briefly but I never made him see how low I really felt. He was actually leaving his job at the gym so we were saying goodbye. His parting words to me were “Don’t let go of your running ok?” His tone carried conviction and I really felt like he knew I was almost giving up. His words, as brief as they were, still resonate in my head every so often.

Gregory had warned me there would be good periods and then dark periods. Perhaps I was on the dark side and had to extract myself out of this phase. I took a small holiday and during my holiday I noticed my upper back felt like a block at the end of every day. We were out and about a lot and although I wore flat trainers everywhere and had given my heels their own vacation, I still ached like an old lady. The pain from my hips had disappeared but now I had welcomed a new phenomenon of agony. Frustration accompanied me but also led me to the solution. Pain kills pain. I was in bitter pain and I was in search of my sweet pain.

http://goldieuttamchandani.blogspot.com.es/2012/05/ive-arrived-for-my-daily-spree-one-two.html#.UehRCxZptD0

Suddenly I was made aware of what I needed to do. I had been focusing all this time on strengthening my legs. However what holds your legs up is your back. Not once had I thought about giving fuel to my back. Gregory was adjusting the vertebrae but it was my duty to fine tune these vertebrae and strengthen the muscles. I returned home and immediately started exercising the following week, concentrating this time on stretching the upper and lower back with the correct exercises. I am now in the care of a personal trainer again and she is specific to my needs, watching my progress every week.

Running was a fortuitous accident the first time and the return was again serendipitous. I was on the cycle two weeks ago, warming up a bit. I was listening to a track on my iPod and it brought back memories from a run I had done back in 2011. I felt compelled to get on the treadmill and simply try to jog for a few minutes. I felt like I was being sneaky and searching for a candy bar, but I am a big believer of following the right vibe and this vibe was to go and run. My first leg lifts almost felt like a baby taking his first steps. I recalled the few times in the recent past when I had attempted to cross the road with a small trot and failed miserably. I blocked out those images and focused on my music. 2.4 km later I was the happiest I had been in over two months. He was taking care of me and I knew this because I had no pain. A painless jog was a miracle.

Ever since I have broken down the walls every few days, increasing my distance but always maintaining a steady pace. I went through a run recently where after 3.3 km, my pain made a stubborn appearance. I froze and stopped immediately. There was an explanation for this and I determined the reasons for the pain. Once you are able to find an explanation for any problem, it automatically solves the problem by more than 50%. I applied the logic and the following day wore my faithful trainers, insoles, slept well the night before and stretched well before my run.

The following day was today. I had started my first run at 2.4 km and progressed through in two weeks to 5.75 km. This morning I felt ambitious to fight my war and win it. The victory entailed 10 km. It was a farfetched goal but my mind told me it was possible. I had physique on my side so really it was all about applying the technique and keeping it steady. 73 minutes later I clocked in at 10 km and the rush I felt cannot be explained. My legs were sore and jelly like, but this soreness was sweet and not gruesome. I hurt and will hurt tomorrow too, but I craved this agony for months and today I was able to achieve it. I didn't feel like a winner today, I felt someone greater.

Does a slip disc change your life? Believe me it does! Nevertheless, my philosophy in life has always been to mould yourself to the circumstances and keep doing what you do. Quite often the route will change, but the destination must always be the same.

I love wearing heels and can now wear them again. I love my food and can now eat a sneaky chocolate bar and not feel bad about it because my fitness regime is back. I love my mountains and I aim to go there next week and show off my best moves. I love to dance and have gone back to doing this with my favourite partner, my daughter.

I do realise I will probably not be able to cover the larger distances so easily and nor should I aim to make running my only sport. Balance is best and I know incorporating more of the cycling and swimming will benefit my condition. I am looking forward to these new adventures but I will remain faithful to my first love and run when my legs and back tell me it’s good to go! 0 to 21 http://goldieuttamchandani.blogspot.com.es/2012_02_01_archive.html#.UemuABZptD0 was a very tough journey I have to admit. However, this one here has been the toughest one yet and perhaps that’s what He had planned for me. What won’t kill you will only make you stronger.

I call out to all those individuals who have suffered an injury of any kind, big or small; if you can try to avoid surgery then please do. If your physiotherapy is not allowing you to fully recover then embrace other more holistic methods of treatment. In my case it was a chiropractor and I thank Gregory everyday. I also thank those angels who simply say the right words at the right time and bring you up from the dark side.

I have come back from 0 to 10 and believe me I’m still counting. I wear my experience like a crown and the best way to remain steady in any run is to see that crown on yourself and remind yourself that you were down and now you are up. Coming back up after being at the top is rough, but the merits the second time round are far sweeter.

From Me to You

You smell of a monsoon breeze

Your presence like shivers teasing my spine

You gaze at me with incandescent warmth 

You breathe on me a sheet of protection

You hold me like tightly stitched fabric, weaving your way into my soul

You make me feel my heartbeat 

You tell me my tears are pearls too precious to waste

You sleep me into my dreams 

You wake me up to follow them

You blend into me, melting my fears to make them yours

I am me ... But only because you let me be me

Ire

You should really stop talking
I’m not listening
I’m walking

You are never wrong
Always right
I’m not putting up a fight
With someone who is so uptight

I can be angry
I can be hurt
Your voice hisses into my mind like acid
Don’t try to reason
No longer valid

You judged me fast
What’s left is the past
Over us is now just a grey overcast

Some days I could slap you
This is what anger puts me through
A deadly potion
Plays with my emotion

Others I’m simply numb
Wished I was not so dumb
Just let you twiddle me on your thumb
Treat me like scum

One day you will see
When your ego will be set free
That’s when you will be
A nobody

Apology I’ve given you
Forgiveness too
My broken pieces lie struggling
Between anger and pain
Crumbling