Soul-mates

I have to admit before I started writing on this subject, my knowledge on soul-mates was fairly jaded and more subjective than I had imagined. I did find that I had somehow fabricated an ideal image of a soul-mate in my head, based on my own fantasies and what stories I have heard from people who have shared with me. This tends to derail your realities and you start to entertain a vision of the perfect soul-mate in a particular person who may not necessarily be your soulmate. Since I was baffled by the meaning of the term "soul-mate", I consider it important to explain the correct definition and also distinguish the differences between a soul-mate, a karmic relationship and a twin flame. 

Soul-mate. This can be an individual of the same sex or even a best friend. You may never have a physical relationship with them but the love and depth of connections between you both will last a lifetime. It is even possible that family members are soul-mates. A soul-mate is usually the person whom you feel instantly comfortable with, you do not feel vulnerable in any way. You want to spend time with one another and are willing to grow spiritually in the same direction. Your soul-mate loves you for who you are and not your physical appearance.

A very important component in a soul-mate union is that it is more than just a romantic relationship which binds you together. The union is on a spiritual level, which is why it goes beyond love and in many cases sex is not even present. There exists an intuitive connection between soul-mates and this is due to a past life connection which both share. We can be completely and honestly who we are, we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life. Soul-mates do not share the same soul, rather their souls are different but have connected together to share energies which are compatible. Is a soul-mate always your life partner? Ideally after explaining what a soul-mate is, one would not hesitate to consider that person as a life long companion. However, I will address this a bit later.

I have read a lot of quotes about soul-mates but the following in my opinion, really explains the concept very accurately. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life." Elizabeth Gilbert, journalist and author of Eat, Pray Love

I want to move onto karmic relationships, which are often confused for soul-mates. "Karmic" soul mates are two individuals who have come together during a given lifetime to reconcile from a past or previous lives. This kind of relationship is often very intense and of strong attraction, but brings with it a lot of turbulence and turmoil. It can be profound and loving, but can also deteriorate into a negative light. The latter occurs due to unresolved karma between these souls and only through unconditional love and forgiveness is this achieved. Nonetheless, this is not always possible in the same lifetime and   therefore explains the heady emotion, confusion and a sense of "here we go again" dread. This is referred to as "karmic warning bells" by Linda Bray in Discovering Your Soul Mission.

In karmic relationships, sex can also be a powerful karmic trigger and this is a sign which tells you that the person who is giving you wild pleasure and satiates your desires in the moment, is actually resolving karma / unfinished business with you. On the other hand if your experience is passionate, with a sense of security and expansiveness, well this resembles soul-mate sex.

If you are in a karmic relationship you will sense a very intense attraction and a feeling of nervousness too. You will tend to argue and use hurtful words, following it with sex. It's a relationship with highs and lows but no real growth for either partner. Ultimately such relationships need to end, unless you are happy to feel blocked in such intense emotions and have a dramatic result every time.

Do you see the difference between one and another? It's really a fine line with both, because as human beings we cannot always be happy and completely content with ourselves and in turn project this feeling on another person. I would argue, if your soul-mate is your mirror then you must see the negative facets in them as they see them in you and one needs to work hard to make the relationship work. The hard work is something a soul-mate relationship doesn't take into account, as "everything" is acceptable. Tricky isn't it?

So then what is a twin flame? These are two individuals in two separate bodies, but they share the same soul. Twin Flames usually meet each other in their first incarnation, in order to remember the soul vibes of the other individual. Later they are reunited on their final time on earth and when this happens, it is the most magical and exciting experience for both on this planet. However, if they happen to meet before either of them is fully ready, their compatibility fails and the total opposite of what is supposed to occur with twin flames occurs.

As an outsider if you observe Twin Flames, you will sense that they are almost identical and compliment each other very well. It is also hard for them to stay away from each other and they share an intuition, being almost telepathic and often finish each others sentences. Before they even meet it is important to observe the similar parallels their life already share; e.g. growing up in different homes but under a similar upbringing, spiritual education is fundamental in twin flames and above all a maturity within yourself to want to discover your own self. This is why seeing Twin Flames is very rare on this planet.

How does one find their soul-mate/s? Yes it is possible to have more than one in a lifetime. This is because you may have touched many souls in your past lives and have probably shared a relationship with them. If you have lived more lifetimes, well the more chances you will have of finding the perfect soul-mate. Different individuals will touch your soul in different ways and it is possible that only they touch your soul but you remain indifferent in their eyes.

When one finds or thinks they have recognised their soul-mate it is a true one only when you have gone about it in a spiritual sense, being completely open to mystery and not shutting any doors or putting up walls of judgement. I will give you some mundane examples of judgment calls. If you have a list in your head of what you want from your soul-mate, well already you are putting brackets in your open mind. Are you putting up a persona when you meet someone who you are attracted to? Your real self is being masked and this will hinder the soul from reaching out to the other soul. Do you expect a 50/50 agreement with your partner? You will give equally if he/she also gives you? Do you feel they are not pulling their weight in the relationship? When you are in a soul-mate relationship, there will always be more energy channeled from one side towards another, but this doesn't mean the person giving less energy is any less of a soul-mate. The reason for this off balanced energy share is purely related to unresolved karma between the souls. As a true soul-mate you will give infinite energy and never question what you are getting back, because you just don't need in this life time.

Many individuals meet someone whom they are instantly attracted to and feel a strong chemical equation with. They interpret this as having found their soul-mate. This is tricky because physical attraction instantly overrides a strong mental and spiritual connection - which is clearly not present in this apparent soul-mate. This brings me back to the subtle differences between karmic relationships, soul-mates and twin flames.

One must know themselves well in order to allow the quest for a soul-mate search to start. You need to be fully connected with your personality traits and accept your facets and flaws like seeing them in a mirror. Your soul-mate will slap you in the face with the same flaws twice over and you need to have the strength to accept that about yourself. Once you have undergone this process is when you can embrace such a connection and allow it to take accommodate within your soul and not just with your physical body.

This brings me onto my final point, which is whether a life long partner can be your soul-mate and should spiritually realised singles be waiting to marry their soul-mate and nobody else. According to a January 2011 Marist poll, 73% of Americans believe that they are destined to find their one, true, soul mate. The percentage is a bit higher for men (74%) than women (71%). The notion is also higher among younger individuals, with 79% of those under 45 believing in soul mates (as opposed to 69% of those over 45). 

Clearly there is a majority who latch tightly onto the idea of romantic destiny. However, does this belief end up working for us and do soul-mates live "happily ever after"? I always like to quantify my data and see what research is telling me.

Whilst the majority who are believers of romantic destiny (soul-mate believers) think that they will simply "click" and are meant to be, or there is no future and nothing further needs to be done towards making the relationship work. This results in very passionate and satisfied partners at first and once problems arise, these same soul searchers give up on the relationship, blaming it all on lack of soul compatibility. I want to add here the lack of knowledge such individuals have on the subject. As I said earlier, soul-mates do not necessarily have shared interests or personalities. In fact they mirror your flaws and facets and make you want to work on the best in you. Regardless of the instant connection you may share, even soul-mates encounter ups and downs or perhaps you are simply in a karmic relationship. Identify what relationship you are in!

Research shows also the flip side of the coin. There are people who believe in romantic growth, therefore they realise romance is not instant and this grows in the relationship as the couple evolves through time. They believe in solving their issues rather than rejecting a partner for minor disagreements. It turns out to be a satisfied relationship with perhaps not as much euphoria and passion as those that believe in romantic destiny.

Overall the conclusion drawn from this research is clear. A soul-mate potentially damages the chances towards a successful relationship in the belief that a connection is always necessary for a long term future. A person who advocates romantic growth and consciously works, puts effort and has a desired interest in growing with their partner cultivates a long lasting future.

I do agree with this data but also want to add the erroneous information one carries within themselves about what a soul-mate really is. It is more than a connection with the other person and I think this is what leads to a failed relationship when we are convinced the other person is our soul-mate. Had I not read more about the subject, I too would be under the misconception of such ideas, because on the surface the whole notion appears very attractive and almost utopian. It can be if you are in the right frame of mind and mature enough to carry the weight of your other soul.

We do have more than one soul-mate, I support this idea as well. You will only know this if you can live it and on a deeper level the answers will come to you are able to respect all your relationships and honour them. If you can appreciate your loved ones in a spiritual light, this is a good start to lead you in the direction of self discovery and thus to discover your soul-mate/s. The more you are the RIGHT person in your heart, you will find the person you are looking for.

Utopia

A chilly crisp envelops the air
Pencil tip lights adorn
Beautifully warm

Ornaments ornate
Tinsel twinkles
Gold dust sprinkle

Bedazzled by the traffic
Shoppers marching
Stimulating scents
Spend your pennies and cents

Crinkle cut shred

Ribbons and frills
Cut, stick, wrap
Calls for a clap

Succulent mince pies
Subtly spicy
A yearly vice

Boiled candy
Mulled wine or some brandy
Stuffed with stuffing
A final plum pudding

A conspiracy of love
Benevolent
Opulent
Some magic in the sky
A sparkle in your eye

That time of the year
Togetherness and cheer
Christmas... Navidad
All are one

Make someone smile
Even if only for a while

Forbidden Pleasures

Emotions controlled
Aching for your hold
Stand back
I cannot
Cannot allow
Temptation I behold

Deep in your eyes
I read the truth
Heat rising
Stirring pleasure
Inviting treasure

Ions of energy between us
Entrap me closer
Cajoling gaze
Pulsating flames run through my veins

Delete
Erase...
All waves of hunger
Splashing desires crushed away
Washed away

I can't
It's wrong
A forbidden wish
A perverted anguish

Void
Vacant
Echoes bounce off my soul
Confused I stand tall

What if...
I wonder
If only...
I wonder

Surrender

A Gift In Disguise

Getting a surprise is supposed to be a good thing, or at least when it is a positive one you usually experience profound happiness. Negative ones on the other hand are bitter to digest and most definitely hard to accept. Life is full of such surprises and most of the time we humans panic when in a new unforeseen situation.

I recently discovered pretty much from one day to another that the skin on my face is actually normal to greasy, after having dry to very dry skin for pretty much my whole life. My dermatologist broke this news to me and welcomed me to the world of a new skin type. You are probably wondering why I am sharing my skin changes with you. Well to be honest this discovery may seem ordinary to those who have normal /greasy skin but if you have dry skin, it changes a lot in your life. One not only has to buy a new skin care range, one wakes up a different person, feeling different and knowing this is a change that just has to be accepted.

This was my innocent introduction to what I am about to explain to you now. I’ve always toyed with the idea of what it would be like to have a third child in my life. I brush it off lightly, mainly because I am aware of the repercussions it would have on my life and the HUGE changes it would bring to my currently stable and peaceful life. I am happy having two children and although my husband and I joke about this often, we both know deep down that a third would disrupt us for few more years. This interlude of a few years is probably what we are both not ready to embrace.

Now imagine being handed over a child without prior warning, without a nine-month pregnancy in between and most definitely without any preparation time to welcome this child. I suddenly sound like a scene from Three Men and a Baby.

This was slightly different, and had some bitter undertones to it too. We recently discovered that my husband’s mother had to undergo a bypass surgery. For me any type of surgery had always been a very big deal, and this was without a doubt the mother of surgeries.  My journey of what was to be a life changing experience started when I was the one who received the official diagnosis from the cardiologist. 

In a situation of this kind one usually goes through a cycle of emotions. I went through my own cycle too. Initially I felt numb, followed by shock, followed by sadness, followed by fear, followed by denial, followed by acceptance and last of all followed by faith.

   

My husband has two other brothers and they are also married. We are a close-knit family and all big decisions are made together. This was a comforting feeling, knowing everyone was in it together. What distinguished me from them in this whole situation was that I live with my mother in law. I agree they must’ve also felt very sad, especially her sons and the feelings all of us have towards her are equally strong. Nevertheless one cannot deny that the proximity one feels towards a person who lives with them is very different.

I remember addressing this anxiety with my husband, not knowing what would happen once mum would come home and how would we take the best care of her. I realised at this point that God was sending me a third child. I was clearly chosen for this role, and I could not say no. Why was I chosen for this, I knew I was not capable of having three?  A dear friend of mine had always joked with me that he is my third child and remembering his words made me smile. Perhaps I truly was ready to have three!

As we grow older and mature, we do accept changes in life in a better spirit and tell ourselves there must be a reason for all these surprises. However, the reason may not always become clear and sometimes you should just not even look for the reason. Accept and move on.

In my case I did accept, I challenged my own capabilities and taught myself so many new things that I had never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be doing. Was I better prepared than perhaps my sister in laws for the job of the best caretaker? I actually don’t think I was. However, all along I told myself I have been chosen for this role and although I am far from being the best cook, the best nurse, the best psychological counselor or even at the right age to impart any real experience in this field. All odds did seem against me, but I continued to struggle and self teach myself.

Mum has been home for over two weeks now and is progressing very well in her recovery. I see in her the third child in many ways, because I have taken care of her from the minute she stepped back in her house. As with a child one pays close attention to their food timings, creating an environment which is comfortable, helping them to get up and walk, giving them the medication on time and watching them wake up and sleep, I have done the very same.

Like with a new child you experience teething problems, well I faced these too and often felt so helpless too. I went through highs and lows, just the same way one does after giving birth to a child. The highs were seen when she started feeling more hungry, when she would be able to walk for longer than 20 minutes or when she would smile after I promised her an aloo paratha for lunch, provided she would follow it with a long walk.

It’s been a gratifying journey and all along I have continued to wonder why was I the chosen one.

Last weekend we had a friend over to meet her and she revealed in passing conversation as to why I was the chosen one. She told me it was gift I had been granted by Him for my good karmas. I was confused and asked her how she felt this was a gift? She told me the best gift one can receive is the opportunity to perform seva - "selfless service", work or service performed without any thought of reward or personal benefit. (Wikipedia).

Usually people perform seva outside their homes, either in temples, charities or even just by doing community service. I was performing seva in my own home and for my own mother in law. I researched into this further and discovered that the Guru Granth Sahib states: One who performs selfless service, without thought of reward, shall attain his Lord and Master." The Guru states that one who performs selfless service without desire for reward will certainly attain liberation. The need to be "desire-less" ("nehkaami") is critical in making this action fruitful. When one does Seva, one should just do it without any thought for a return - think of it as a duty to the society.

I can confess that these past two weeks have indeed been liberating and I have felt a strange sense of peace within me. I was quite dumbfounded by my friend’s words and smiled to myself.

In life we often face surprises, changes, obstacles and plenty of tests. We all know there is a reason for these occurrences but few of us figure out why it happens. I feel happy to not only have figured out why I was given this test but I feel blessed to have been given this gift of seva, which was His way of rewarding me for my karmas. Whether or not this theory makes sense, I do think it helps to face the test better, when you know it’s a rewarding experience. 

My tribute to YashRaj

Kabhi kabhie dil mein yeh savaal uthta hai
Hum ye deewar khadi kar dete hai
Dilon ko milne se, rukwa dete hai
Kyun?
Sach to yeh hai
Faasle kitne bhi ho
Jeet hamesha pyar ki hoti hai
Nahin bujti ishq ki ye mashaal
Daag mit te nahin
Mohobbat kat ti nahin
Fanaa hote hue bhi, pyar mein rang jaate hai

Kabhi kabhie darr bhi lagta hai
Voh pyar ke lamhe chandni me kho jaate hai
Kuch bewafa maane jaate hai
Aur kuch pyar ki qurbaani de behte hai
Lekin...
Yeh silsila chalta reheta hai
Sache dilwale, dulhania le hi jaate hai

Kabhi kabhie dil pagal ho jaata hai
Maya ke pyar mein saari saari raat jagata hai
Apne yaar se pyar ho jaata hai
Dil chot pohochata hai
Lekin...
Rab jo karta hai
Thik hi karta hai
Veer aur Zaara ko milva hi deta hai

Kabhi kabhie pyar aise hi ho jaata hai
Na chahate hue bhi ho jaata hai
Hum aur tum milte hain
Chalte chalte achanak ruk jaate hai
Akele khayalon mein kho jaate hai
Chup ke se gale laga leta hai

Sacha pyar to tab hota hai
Jaan bhi jaae
Lekin...
Pyar zinda reheta hai
Jab tak hai jaan, mein tujh pe kurbaan

Kya yehi pyar hota hai?
Haan, yehi pyar hota hai

Make everyone Happy, are you Crazy?

A dear friend asked me recently where does one draw the line to make others happy? I wondered for a long time about this, because I always believed that I actually received more happiness in making others happy. Do I consider myself a people pleaser? Does my friend think she is also a people pleaser? To be honest a lot of us try to do the right thing and the right thing is to be selfless and think about others and not yourself. This practice is excellent, provided you don't end up going emotionally broke in pleasing others. You can also invest your time in creating, living and being truthful to your own needs and desires.

I'm not giving any of you new information here, but what is true is that amidst our daily priorities, which often involve other human beings, we actually end up auditioning for other people's lives. I have actually decided to write this post for my friend and also partly for myself.

There is a personality type identified as ENFJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging and this is a person who is considered a Giver. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.  I actually don't classify myself as an ENFJ entirely, but I know for a fact that there are traits of this person in me and others probably feel I am describing them entirely.

It is one thing to think about others and please them, but it is very worrying when you allow your own happiness to be governed by their approval. I have found myself feeling like this on various occasions.
With two children, a husband and of course my family and friends I have often felt like I am doing my best to be the most awesome mum and suddenly out of nowhere both kids will fall ill when I really thought I was doing my very best to feed them well, dress them according to the weather, protect them as much as possible. However, shit happens and obviously it is NOT my fault they fell sick, but a part of me feels like I have failed them and not been the best mother. Does this happen to all mums? Well I think it does. With time however, you learn to accept these downfalls and instead of blaming your upbringing, you choose to embrace these sickies and find the positive side. The upside is usually that they will come out of it stronger and next time, take longer to catch the bug. At no point is any of this your fault or your failed attempt to please your children's needs.

I will give you another example. I organised a house party last year and decided to fabricate a guest list, based on a criteria, which I had discussed with my family. My intentions were not to hurt or exclude anyone on purpose, but often circumstances and even factors like space oblige you to restrict your list. Can we please everyone in this situation? Well frankly NO! I felt bad about this for a while, but after speaking to my mother, she explained to me that no one would ever be fully happy even if you try your best. It's a matter of making the majority happy and that's when your mission is successful.

Lately I have started using the following line in my head lately: Making EVERYONE happy, Are you CRAZY? Literally we would go bonkers if everyone had to pleased.

Why do we want to make everyone happy? The primary reason today is actually to feel part of a community and to feel accepted. In many cultures it is mandatory to please others and then think about yourself. One looks for status and this is gained by making others happy, so their approval grants you that "status" What will he/she think of me? I blame the material world here actually. As the west gets more prosperous, we don't seem to get any happier - why not? It's because money doesn't buy you happiness, your mum was right!

Up to a certain point a higher income can certainly make the difference but once we have the basics like a comfortable home, clothes that protect you and food to feed you, any more money really what it does is provide luxuries which thanks to the marketing strategies these days make you greedier and you start to compare yourself with your peers. If you don't have the latest smartphone then will they find you unacceptable in their social circle? We are effectively feeding off the acceptance of others and seeking popularity through a material world. Let me tell you, if you have increased your bank balance and friends count in parallel fashion, don't be surprised to lose the latter if your income suddenly goes down too.

Going by the "right" rules
On a more psychological level there are moments when you are subconsciously also pleasing others and it has nothing to do with money or material value. I belong to a community where sadly pleasing others is taken for granted, mainly because if you don't then it can have repercussions on your family name and you will be considered ill mannered or rude. Let me give you some real examples which I have picked up over the years and have been given to me by people who I have spoken to:

The main stem of the problem is paranoia and worrying!

If I don’t reply to every tweet, Facebook comment or email, people will never write again... or worse, they will decide to dislike me because my non-responsiveness will be interpreted as bitchy and pretentious.

Worrying that if I don’t say yes to all social events or favours or have a decent reason for saying no, I will badly offend the person asking. Not having the energy to comply or finding the plan a complete drag is not a valid enough reason.

When I haven’t heard back from someone, wondering if I’ve done something to anger or offend, then over-analysing until I do get some sort of sign that they don’t hate me. The IM chat rooms are a hellhole for this kind of example. Why did she say that and not follow it with a smiley? Is she in a bad mood, could I be the reason for her anger?

Accepting less-than-ideal behaviour from people I hate because if I say or do something to indicate I may be upset with them would just not be the acceptable thing to do - normally this occurs within families where one must abide protocol or hierarchy.

Wondering, after some social meet, if I’ve “met expectations” or not — and have been entertaining/cheerful and engaging enough towards the other people. Have I perhaps disappointed them?

Have I empathised and been understanding with the other person, usually far more than I would be with my own self?

All these examples stem from real life situations and it's amazing to see how much of this behaviour goes on in our daily lives. We are constantly struggling to fight the disease to please.

The Breakdown
If one were to look at such individuals from the outside, it would not take a genius to figure out that such pleasing can only be harmful and certainly in no way beneficial. When do we see signs of a fractured self?

I am exhausted from pleasing others, I am not finding any pleasure in this and all I keep doing is sugar coating my soul to make myself believe this is where happiness lies.

I may have made 6 happy, but the other 4 are so unhappy that this makes me feel worse. No prizes for guessing that the latter 4 are actually those that we care for the most.

If you are going to give, well do it with love and taste. Any giving done out of pressure will not bear the same results as the giving done with pleasure. You are no good to anyone if you run yourself ragged, so start to please yourself first and in a fit state of mind you will give quality to those who deserve it.

How do I filter the right people to please from the wrong?
I once read a quote which said "If You’re Absent During My Struggle, Don’t Expect To Be Present During My Success" - I am sure you have all heard of this. I find that my time and dedication should be invested on the people who are willing to invest their time on me when I need them the most. Therefore, if I am happy and surrounded by lots of well wishers, I don't consider this list to be a true reflection of those who actually want to share my happiness with me. Those that are there for me when I am not in a good place determine the real list.

Byron Katie wrote a book I need your Love, Is that true? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. In this book Katie states, “If you are worried about someone else’s business, and they are worried about their own business, then who is looking out for yours?” It is interesting how such a simple question helps us to extract the people who are concerned for us and those who are simply concerned about themselves.

A final tip I would like to give to my friend and pretty much everyone who has identified with my post is to have the "balls" to tell yourself that you DO NOT need anyone’s approval for your own happiness. I say this with a lot of hesitation because I really find myself weak at times to find those "balls". Yet when I am able to, I surface with dignity and attain respect for myself.

Good people are blessed with whole hearts but those same people are also the first to suffer a broken heart. It is not possible to make everyone happy so you may as well stop trying and instead invest your energies in living more for yourself.

Adultery: A Marital Crime

It’s no secret that the rates of adultery have gone up in modern society over the years. This is mainly due to the way it is viewed in different cultures, from Polygamy being accepted in certain communities, where marrying several women does not constitute as adultery. In addition, the high school frameworks have encouraged terms like “friends with benefits”, so much so that Hollywood had to go and make a movie on this subject. Bollywood also produced a box office blockbuster which addressed the subject in a more dramatic light but in my opinion was a reality check for our so called “conservative” culture and untapped the taboo via the entertainment industry.

I certainly don’t advocate the notion but I do feel it is important to be aware of the ways in which adultery can be a concept that enters our lives without prior warning and sometimes such a situation takes over our daily lives in the most natural ways, ultimately ending the strongest of marriages and relationships. It is our responsibility to detect these feelers that can be eradicated before it is too late.

It is important to frame the anatomy of adultery, to understand exactly what can be constituted as infidelity. We are all humans and have basic desires, like eat, drink, sleep and even the desire for sex. These are all necessary for us to function, however when misused can be harmful to our bodies and mind. 

In this context, when the wife or husband has shut down their shop for whatever reasons, one will look for another avenue to fulfil these cravings. This would be classified as physical adultery. Of course in many cultures this is actually accepted as I said earlier. In Russia women in their 40s only date married men because the life expectancy for Russian men has fallen to 54. Therefore, by the age of 65 there are just 46 men left for every 100 women. I state these facts like it’s such an obvious choice to make, but when you see it from a moralistic viewpoint; it is a clear example of physical adultery being committed.

What can often start a simple harmless friendship with another man or woman can slowly turn into what is classified as an emotional affair. The impact of such intimacy with another person can affect the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. Once this starts to occur, it is classified as emotional adultery. The parties committing adultery need not have a physical relationship, but their intimate closeness is enough to damage the marriage.  

Another fragment of this behaviour is the actual act of looking lustfully at another human being other than your spouse. Let me give you an example of this. The burqa symbolises the female’s sexual sovereignty, it represents the ownership of it by another person, and in this case it is supposed to prevent other men from looking at these women and encouraging any lustful desires. I could argue on the counter argument where the same culture permits more than one marriage for the same man and yet this is considered acceptable. Well, that would be writing a whole different article altogether.

Returning to the concept of adultery, if a married man or woman sees an attractive person on the street and wonders how he/she would look like in bed, well this is classified as adultery. The Bible puts this very clearly: Matthew 5:27-28 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

I will not lay any bets on how many of us have committed this type of adultery more than once, and are in perfectly stable and happy marriages. I have an opinion about this and I believe beauty has been given to us for appreciation. I can appreciate beauty and would like to think others do the same. I cannot be classified as adulterous if I find another man attractive or if my thoughts happen to derail for a while. I call these my personal “Mind Games” and it is in our own hands to not allow the mind to cross the moral boundaries of fidelity. One must be responsible for the warning signs and know how to end their own mental joyride. 

Why does one commit adultery? 

To be honest, no one takes such a step on basic impulse. The thoughts of adultery are entertained in ones head for quite some time before the clothing actually comes off. I imagine it to be a process that initially is to fill a void of some kind or even to escape from a life that is not giving you any sexual fulfilment. I have even heard of situations where both partners have agreed to go for an open relationship and try sharing partners. This latter arrangement could well be referred to as a negotiated adulterous affair. 

In the latter situation one tends to forget that jealousy never goes out of style. If you and your partner have mutually agreed to be socially polygamous, bear in mind that one of you could well suffer the consequences and Murphy may dictate his law when you least expected it. E.g. what if one of the partners falls in love with this third partner and it has been a physical involvement to begin with, but turns into an emotional twist. Indecent Proposal was a film that portrayed this very clearly, your body can be controlled but your emotions cannot be governed, therefore don’t look on the outside to better your sex life, work from within.

For a man it tends to be physical. Instinct usually tells them to sleep with every attractive woman. It sounds horrible but evolutionary psychologists have suggested that men are more likely to have extramarital sex, partially due to the male urge to “spread genes” by broadcasting sperm. We will return to scientific part of human monogamy, but first understand the reasons why women commit adultery.

For women, it's emotional. They usually feel something is missing and they need to satisfy themselves again. It may not necessarily be love they search, but men tend to get comfortable with their women and the romance exits through the back door. Women feed off romance and of course look to fill this gap elsewhere. 

The science behind human monogamy

This will shock you, but only 3-5 per cent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong monogamous bonds. An exception to this statistic would be wolves, beavers and some bats.

The framework of our society has actually been built to favour social monogamy and the main reason for humans to abide by these rules is for the well being of children. Another important reason why humans advocate monogamy is because it is one of mammals where the father invests time in raising children; it is common knowledge that we humans value the role of paternal investment far more than most other primates. 

Nevertheless, we are not any less polygamous than other species and the only reason why a woman would probably not indulge in extra marital sex is again determined by the rules o society. Women could lose the “dad” and his resources when it comes to raising the kids. So, once again for the well being of the children a woman cannot encourage a promiscuous lifestyle. 

Sexual monogamy is therefore regarded as a societal structure, rather than a natural one. This explains why adultery is such a temptation, or in this case innate for both men and women. 

Sexual desires for people you don’t love

The final part of this article stems from a study which I discovered rather accidently, but has opened my eyes further to the notion of adultery. It has been assumed for a long time that for most of us a romantic love for another person usually evokes a sexual desire. Therefore, one gets married out of romantic love and thus takes part in sexual intercourse to have children and build a family. You could say a connection needs to be there for the sex to take place.

Well, it is also possible that one has sexual desires for people they don’t actually love and vice versa. It would create the situation where one is madly in love with their partner and thus decides to get married to them, once married they could discover they love the person so much but are not even remotely sexually aroused by them. 

The problem is the words romantic love, sex and desire are so closely webbed together that it might almost be impossible to separate them. 

A team led by Gian Gonzaga did just that. Their team asked monogamous couples to fill out a survey about their feelings towards each other and then were asked to sit facing each other in a room and engage in four different conversations: teasing, a previous relationship, a current concern and most important of all, recalling their first date. 

After extensive videotaping and analysis, it was seen that there was not significant correlation between love and gestures associated with sexual desire. Also no links were found between sexual desire and gestures that correspond to romantic love. E.g. if marriage was spoken about between a couple, this did not accompany increasing sexual desire, but it did have high levels of more romantic love. 

Interesting data isn’t it? So now if such couples discover these differences and decide to fill the voids that are missing in their marriage, I guess the answer would be to search for them on the outside!

Solutions

I have a simple answer to this problem. If you are married, please have lots of sex! Yes it sounds like the obvious solution, but honestly just spend some time analysing your marriage and ask yourselves how much time do you dedicate to the act of sex and what frills go around it? If you are a man, do you make romantic gestures towards your wife? If you are a woman, are you willing to show him more than just vanilla sex? This is just some basic advice; it obviously applies very differently to each couple. 

If you are not yet married but looking to settle down with your partner, well I always tell everyone the same thing. Don’t ask yourself if you can live with him or her but confirm that you can’t live without them. Do you see my point? 

It’s not okay to be in a relationship where the communication is on the fall as the years go by and it’s certainly not okay to avoid sex after you’ve had your kids. Whether you agree or not, as a human being it is a need you have in your subconscious and suppressing it won’t make you a happier person, and looking to fulfil it outside your marriage almost certainly won’t give you inner peace. 

I leave you with a Buddhist quote “ The evils of the body are, murder, theft and adultery; of the tongue, lying, slander, abuse and idle talk; of the mind, covetousness, hatred and error.” Say no to adultery and don’t allow your “mind games” to take over your mind.