Marriage - is it for everyone?

A good friend recently told me that there are two things which really move a human being, both physically and emotionally. Love and Fear. These are the two basic emotions for which we will either draw ourselves closer to a person, place or thing or in fear repel ourselves from the same. Sometimes even in ill health we would not displace ourselves, but when in love with someone or horribly scared of something will be motivated to shift even the highest of mountains. This pearl of wisdom led me to think that the sustenance of all our relationships is unequivocally nourished by these e-motions (evolving motions). 

Marriage. An institution which equates to positive permanent legal commitment to another person. What comes from a marriage is usually a happy family and this is positive for our children as it breeds stability and continuity with the same person and translates as the glue that holds our society together. Over time there has been great debate as to whether this institution really does have all those positive factors which the definition poses and marriage has been scrutinised by cynics, especially in the West.  

I begin to wonder whether all this angst is actually fuelled by the actual label of marriage which expects one to fulfill a certain role that promotes happy families and stability or the other label which would be the legal consequence of a break up - Divorce. Seeing it from either way, it's a ghastly pressure (fear) which our young people of today are facing and therefore failing to legally commit first to marriage, in the fear of what may result from it, the ultimate disaster - a divorce. 

Interestingly what didn't convince me from the beginning was the textual definition of marriage and I dug into this further. The Romans actually had a rather peculiar view towards marriage - matroimonia debent esse libera or marriages ought to be free. What this meant was that either spouse could opt out of marriage if things weren't working out for them. It wasn't until centuries later in Victorian England that interpretation was changed. People then got married and stayed together for better or for worse. It was then that the term "divorce" was frowned upon and if one got divorced, they would be socially marginated. 

Funny how both these views are actually relevant in today’s society, depending on which part of the world or culture you belong to. Clearly there is a basic notion that society has established rules and laws which dictate that marriage and divorce are legal terms which enable the framework of human relationships to work. Doesn't this almost sound dictatorial? So if you are married then you will be happy and if you are not then you should get a divorce? I'm just saying it's no secret that the divorce figures are ascending worldwide, young people are taking longer and longer to get married with a big fear to commit, adultery is rising and single parents are predominating.  

Talking about this subject with another friend, she said to me humans are not engineered to remain monogamous forever. I was curious to learn more about this bold statement and discovered; Christopher Ryan, an American phsychologist states in his book - Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality a theory which from a biological perspective says men and women simply are not meant to be in eternal monogamous unions. This is all based on evidence he provides from human physiology, archaeology, primate biology and anthropological studies of pre-agricultural tribes around the world. They debate that monogamy and the family base are more recent solutions than most of us would expect and far less natural than most of us have been raised to believe. As provocative as this argument may appear, it is very hard to dismiss, given the statistical data we find everyday in our press.

The conservative readers will most probably state other reasons for why marriages fail and will raise points such as lack of understanding and communication, low tolerance, career over marriage, interference of parents or in laws, mental instability, abuse and the list goes on. It is a fact that living with someone is not easy. I am yet again quoting another married friend. The fact of the matter remains that we are struggling harder to keep our marriages alive and this is the question which all of us ask; why is it so much harder for us than it was for our parents or grandparents?

Access to more information, education and overall exposure has played a very large role in this debate. We demand a lot more than before and in this process of self enrichment have made it all about ourselves. We have become more self centered, selfish and really just kept the self part, forgetting that a marriage is about two people. It's not about being compatible, it's actually about dealing with your incompatibilities . 

Barack Obama, Audacity of Hope 2006 stated 'marriage education workshops can make a real difference in helping married couples stay together and encouraging unmarried couples who are living together to form a more lasting bond.' What strikes me here are the words marriage education. So difficult has it become to live with each other that we need to be taught how to do it?

I agree that marriage counselling is beneficial to many but really not to all. I think the pressures of being in a marriage and what is expected of you as a spouse or as a parent are what make you want to run away from it, rather than enjoy the experience. Has society created what they think is the perfect recipe to a marriage and are we all just constantly trying to provide the ingredients? 

Khalil Gibran a personal favourite of mine, says in the Prophet about marriage; love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls... give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf... Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping....and stand together, yet not too near together. In simple terms this translates to: grow with your spouse but don't lose yourself in the process. 

I firmly advocate the institution of marriage but I also believe we all have a past and our origins as human beings encourage us to be unique - homo (one) sapien. If you are unique, so is your partner and you must mutually complement each other not mutually exclude. To be in a relationship means to learn from each other and as Rocky said "I got gaps, you got gaps. We fill each others gaps"

0 to 21

A step on the ground

One up, one down

A new hope is found

Miles ahead I see a future

Yet now it feels like sheer torture

I could stop

Do it later

Perhaps I’ll think a little straighter

It was happening again

The barriers were in, jailing my mind

Crippling me blind

Go away, these roads are mine
Leave me alone

I need my throne

I want to be free, just let me run

All I want is to have some fun

Five k later, I do feel warmer

Puffs of humid smog inhale 

Warm clouds of vapour exhale

Controlling my breath

Caressing the sun

My legs feel lighter

I welcome the fighter

Don’t run too fast

You could end up last

Don’t crash, don’t burn

Don’t speed, it's not your turn

Ten k later, my glass half full

Beads of sweat

Oh sweet nectar of merit

My gears have shifted

I’m feeling some strain

A little pain

Restore your energies

Refuel your mind

Respond to your body

Enrich your spirit

Be gentle, be kind

Fifteen k later, five to go

Rock and roll baby

Power and glory

Arms and legs in sync with my mind

A spiritual transcendence

A harmonious ride

The final stretch

My limits outstretched

Agony flows through my veins

I’ve lost myself, I’m going insane

Swelling fingers

Burning blisters

Elastic muscles clamping in

Delirious needles torment from within

Don’t stop

No run, no walk, just jog

Last k, adrenalin kicks in

How far I have come, it’s just sunk in

Two months of training

Relentless running

Each k tells a story

This last one leads to glory

The Sandwich Generation

When I asked my six year old son what was the first thing that came to his mind when he was asked about Mama and Papa, he answered “you both remind me of Santa Claus and Mrs Claus.” I was curious to know why he had made this association, to which he responded “Santa Claus makes all the children happy, if they behave well and he is kind to all the children too. Papa and you always ask me to behave myself and make the bad go away too.”

A smart and honest answer from such a young child, which introduces the subject I want to cover; being a good parent and sometimes parenting your own parent. It’s vital to understand the importance of a parent in any child’s life. It is said that a parent lays the foundation for his child and good parenting can have several benefits on the child. Amongst these are the physical (good health as an adult), mental – (academic success) and emotional (better social skills). A role therefore which is irreplaceable and which cannot be taken over by anyone else.

However, as a child grows up and seeks an independent life, they find themselves talking less to their parents on a regular basis. This is normal, as they want to find their own path and make adult choices. One probably ends up speaking more to their friends than their own parents, thinking the friends are more on their “wavelength”. Indeed this is often true, but we do forget that what your parents do have and peers don’t is wisdom and experience. What good is knowledge if one doesn’t have the wisdom to apply it intelligently?

Khalil Gibran (The Prophet) said about children you may offer them your love, but not your thoughts- they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies, but not their souls…” A good parent will never chain you up and impede you from success. They will guide you if need be, they will accept you in the worst of your moments and above all they will give you their honest opinion about anything you ask them about.

So it is pretty clear how important good parenting can be, and once the child grows up this parenting doesn’t actually stop, it takes a subtly different direction. The child is no longer as physically or emotionally dependent on his parents, but his parents are getting older and thus develop a dependency on their child instead. A role reversal takes place here and this is commonly known as parenting your own parent.

This does seem obvious as we talk about it, a normal cycle of life. If you are older, then clearly your parents are getting even older. However, with the growing life expectancies and more health ailments to accompany, what we are facing now is not only are you taking care of your own parents, but also of your own young children. This phenomenon is referred to as the sandwich generation. Are you part of this generation? A lot of us can probably identify with this, and I particularly want to pinpoint a group, which I am a part of.

As an Indian born in Spain, I was raised under strong Indian values where it was made clear to me that once I got married, my in laws would become my parents and their welfare would be my responsibility. These ties are stronger in families where the daughter in law actually shares the same roof as her husband’s parents. At the same time, growing up in more urban and modern circumstances, I also believe my own parents continue to be my responsibility. Many young Indians share a situation like mine across the world, even in modern India. I dare to call this a double decker sandwich generation. As amusing as this may sound, this is actually a rather daunting feeling and more often than usual it hits you without warning. One fine day you will find yourself holding your parents hand when crossing the road and not vice versa, or you will see yourself repeating the same thing to them three or four times and not vice versa.

This change can often be emotionally taxing on you as well as your nuclear family, sometimes even straining your marriage.

There are several ways to handle such a situation. First and most important is acceptance. To liberate you from the emotional baggage it is often easier to see your ageing parents as fellow adults. You will handle everything more objectively if you change your mental chip.

Secondly you must develop open communication with your parents. I stress communication because with age, the only thing an old person wants from you is your time and regular conversation. No amounts of medication or therapy will alleviate a sick parent more than your loving words and genuine interest in their lives.

Make your young children spend time with their grandparents. This has two positive effects; a bond is created between the two and your ageing parents are able to relive their youth through these young children and exercise their memory as they are given the opportunity to explore their achievements and peaks in their lives as they watch these kids grow.

Appreciate your parents and demonstrate this by saying a simple thank you. You would do it for your boyfriend and even your friend, but it is more important to say this to your parents as they are at a point in their lives where insecurity is breeding and even they are realising that they are becoming dependant on you.

All of the above will only work if you on a personal level are feeling positive and are able to send out good vibrations to your parents. Therefore, take care of yourself and do all things you need to do to stay healthy and happy. Your thoughts will often be negative when you feel sandwiched, so you must handle these thoughts by applying knowledge to the situation. Read and learn about their illness or condition, this will enable you to walk towards the solutions more smoothly.  

So far we have covered good parenting and the importance of this on your children, how do handle being a parent to your own parents and how to balance both these roles in a double decker sandwich.

As with all the situations I confront in life, I like to see the dilemma from a spiritual point of view as well, as I feel this provides me the added strength or mojo to handle the situations.

In this case I see a clear pattern, which repeats itself from generation to generation. Your parents give birth to you and raise you in the best way possible, providing you with only the best. In return you must give back what you have received when it is their turn to take it back. This is why a child and an old person need exactly the same thing, love and your time. So, whatever goes around comes around too. If you give to your children, they will give it right back to you. What you shall sow, you will reap. These are the simple laws of spirituality!

In other words, the seed is sown the minute a child is born and how you choose to weave the threads of this child’s future is entirely in your hands. The results of your weaving are mirrored by how well your child takes care of you in old age.

I agree there are many other factors, which are not in anyone’s hands, like geographical positioning, financial constraints, health issues from both sides etc. However, the one thing, which can always remain constant or even grow with time, is love for one another. When we love our parents, all obstacles seem ordinary and we are able to overcome them. Your parents also went through the same obstacles, if not more and you turned fine didn’t you?

Remember your own kids have new hopes ahead of them, your elders lived their life, provided for you and leave behind footprints of themselves – YOU!  

Papa...Mama

As a baby you cradled me in your arms
Never letting go
You fed me, you bathed me
You even took aches to soothe me
I would often weep
But you always found a way to put me to sleep

I took my first steps holding your hand
Even if I fell, you would help me stand
I bumped my head
“It’s going to be okay” you always said

As a teenager you taught me to think
To think and make a choice
Quite often I’d raise my voice

You saw me make mistakes
You even saw me fail
But you never lost track of my trail

You yelled
I further rebelled
I thought you were against me like rivals in a game
You proved me wrong
And this made me more strong

You taught me how to aim high
Insisted I could touch the sky
You always had faith in me
Saw in me what I could never see

As an adult you’ve supported my decisions
Always moulded yourself to my visions
You’ve given me my space
And invaded it when it’s been the case
But always let me go at my own pace

I may be all grown up now
But I still make mistakes
I seek for your advice
You are here, that always feels nice

We’ve never hugged so much
Or said the three words as such
I sometimes appear not to be there
But you continue to show that you care

There’s still plenty we disagree on
But the important we agree upon
If I’m breaking down or crashing in
I always turn to you, you forgive my sin
When no one is there to understand
It’s you I turn to, always there to hold my hand

You’ve made me who I am
I can say I am your number one fan
You’ve given me my face
One I would never replace
You’ve educated me
To see right from wrong
Stand alone and be strong

The Hand

Hold my hand , let me show you the way
Tell me you are here to stay
Let's breathe the same air
Hum the same tune
Ride the high dunes
Heart to heart follow the same beat
Don't be scared, trust me now
I'm here with you
Can you be with me too?

Cry to me, I 'll wipe your tears
Embrace me hard, I'll erase your fears
I'll pick you up if you have to fall
Offer you healing when you're in pain
Colour your sorrows and wash the blues

Take my hand and follow me through
Catch my words and listen to me
Unleash your heart and feelings within
I'll guard your secrets, so deep inside
Come with me, let's go and hide

We can share our hopes
Combine our strengths
Spread our wings and guide each other
Look into my eyes and search for the light
I'll tell you the truth, when others may lie

Let's walk
Let's just talk
Move with me
Let's skip
Let's dance
Come on, let's give this a chance

Examine yourself
Observe your reflection
Go beyond the frills
Let the layers unveil and observe your inner self
A warm hand holds your shadow
This hand shields your aura
Seize the hand
Hold my hand
I won't let go, I promise someday you'll understand

Silent Scream

I can carry them, a few more minutes and I'll be able to put them down
The weight of the bags is slitting through my fingers
Carving dents of pain
I'm hurting but the chill in the air tightens my hands
Purple soon appearing
I know this purple, it chokes me stiff
Sedates me slowly
Bleeding sorrow from within

Crowds of congestion pollute my lungs
Poignant noises cause aching ears
Cutting glances blur my vision
Hearts of ice stab me cold

My body stops with a jolt
Bags down, weight off
Arms dangle defeat
Shoulders slouching failure
Enough!
I think I've given up

Puppet me close to a bench
Hold my hand, pull my torso
Wrap me tight
Hug my fears
Tear away my tears
I'm shouting for help
Why can no one hear my yelp?

One more am I
One more tear stain gone dry
One more day goes by
One more scream
A muted goodbye.

In transit

Four bare walls

Cold concrete floors

Naked ceilings, echoing voices

Empty rooms, a screaming absence

A blank canvas, creative silence

Bolts and bulbs, screws and sockets

Measuring tape lives in your pockets

Fitting, adjusting

Constant readjusting

A smell of new starts to brew

Moving boxes and sealing tape

Bubble wrap, all things packed

Some old sold, some old is gold

Some old best forgotten

Some old invite new beginnings

Energy drives across these spaces

New shelves support old books and familiar faces

Opening drawers and slamming doors

Human soul penetrates the floors

A new postcode

Goodbye to an old road

Some teething problems

And welcomed gains

Some latched freedom

Unlocked by new keys

A whistling kettle

Sit down and settle

Glowing candles

Flat screen panels

Savoury yummies and sweet delights

Ready to taste, ready to bite

Bare walls bear warmth

Naked ceilings radiate light

Boxed goods sheltered safe

Comfy couches caress the floors

Warm hands open doors

Once a house ...

Now a home