Up And Down

Up And Down

Marriage - is it for everyone?

A good friend recently told me that there are two things which really move a human being, both physically and emotionally. Love and Fear. These are the two basic emotions for which we will either draw ourselves closer to a person, place or thing or in fear repel ourselves from the same. Sometimes even in ill health we would not displace ourselves, but when in love with someone or horribly scared of something will be motivated to shift even the highest of mountains. This pearl of wisdom led me to think that the sustenance of all our relationships is unequivocally nourished by these e-motions (evolving motions). 

Marriage. An institution which equates to positive permanent legal commitment to another person. What comes from a marriage is usually a happy family and this is positive for our children as it breeds stability and continuity with the same person and translates as the glue that holds our society together. Over time there has been great debate as to whether this institution really does have all those positive factors which the definition poses and marriage has been scrutinised by cynics, especially in the West.  

I begin to wonder whether all this angst is actually fuelled by the actual label of marriage which expects one to fulfill a certain role that promotes happy families and stability or the other label which would be the legal consequence of a break up - Divorce. Seeing it from either way, it's a ghastly pressure (fear) which our young people of today are facing and therefore failing to legally commit first to marriage, in the fear of what may result from it, the ultimate disaster - a divorce. 

Interestingly what didn't convince me from the beginning was the textual definition of marriage and I dug into this further. The Romans actually had a rather peculiar view towards marriage - matroimonia debent esse libera or marriages ought to be free. What this meant was that either spouse could opt out of marriage if things weren't working out for them. It wasn't until centuries later in Victorian England that interpretation was changed. People then got married and stayed together for better or for worse. It was then that the term "divorce" was frowned upon and if one got divorced, they would be socially marginated. 

Funny how both these views are actually relevant in today’s society, depending on which part of the world or culture you belong to. Clearly there is a basic notion that society has established rules and laws which dictate that marriage and divorce are legal terms which enable the framework of human relationships to work. Doesn't this almost sound dictatorial? So if you are married then you will be happy and if you are not then you should get a divorce? I'm just saying it's no secret that the divorce figures are ascending worldwide, young people are taking longer and longer to get married with a big fear to commit, adultery is rising and single parents are predominating.  

Talking about this subject with another friend, she said to me humans are not engineered to remain monogamous forever. I was curious to learn more about this bold statement and discovered; Christopher Ryan, an American phsychologist states in his book - Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality a theory which from a biological perspective says men and women simply are not meant to be in eternal monogamous unions. This is all based on evidence he provides from human physiology, archaeology, primate biology and anthropological studies of pre-agricultural tribes around the world. They debate that monogamy and the family base are more recent solutions than most of us would expect and far less natural than most of us have been raised to believe. As provocative as this argument may appear, it is very hard to dismiss, given the statistical data we find everyday in our press.

The conservative readers will most probably state other reasons for why marriages fail and will raise points such as lack of understanding and communication, low tolerance, career over marriage, interference of parents or in laws, mental instability, abuse and the list goes on. It is a fact that living with someone is not easy. I am yet again quoting another married friend. The fact of the matter remains that we are struggling harder to keep our marriages alive and this is the question which all of us ask; why is it so much harder for us than it was for our parents or grandparents?

Access to more information, education and overall exposure has played a very large role in this debate. We demand a lot more than before and in this process of self enrichment have made it all about ourselves. We have become more self centered, selfish and really just kept the self part, forgetting that a marriage is about two people. It's not about being compatible, it's actually about dealing with your incompatibilities . 

Barack Obama, Audacity of Hope 2006 stated 'marriage education workshops can make a real difference in helping married couples stay together and encouraging unmarried couples who are living together to form a more lasting bond.' What strikes me here are the words marriage education. So difficult has it become to live with each other that we need to be taught how to do it?

I agree that marriage counselling is beneficial to many but really not to all. I think the pressures of being in a marriage and what is expected of you as a spouse or as a parent are what make you want to run away from it, rather than enjoy the experience. Has society created what they think is the perfect recipe to a marriage and are we all just constantly trying to provide the ingredients? 

Khalil Gibran a personal favourite of mine, says in the Prophet about marriage; love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls... give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf... Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping....and stand together, yet not too near together. In simple terms this translates to: grow with your spouse but don't lose yourself in the process. 

I firmly advocate the institution of marriage but I also believe we all have a past and our origins as human beings encourage us to be unique - homo (one) sapien. If you are unique, so is your partner and you must mutually complement each other not mutually exclude. To be in a relationship means to learn from each other and as Rocky said "I got gaps, you got gaps. We fill each others gaps"