Make everyone Happy, are you Crazy?

A dear friend asked me recently where does one draw the line to make others happy? I wondered for a long time about this, because I always believed that I actually received more happiness in making others happy. Do I consider myself a people pleaser? Does my friend think she is also a people pleaser? To be honest a lot of us try to do the right thing and the right thing is to be selfless and think about others and not yourself. This practice is excellent, provided you don't end up going emotionally broke in pleasing others. You can also invest your time in creating, living and being truthful to your own needs and desires.

I'm not giving any of you new information here, but what is true is that amidst our daily priorities, which often involve other human beings, we actually end up auditioning for other people's lives. I have actually decided to write this post for my friend and also partly for myself.

There is a personality type identified as ENFJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging and this is a person who is considered a Giver. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.  I actually don't classify myself as an ENFJ entirely, but I know for a fact that there are traits of this person in me and others probably feel I am describing them entirely.

It is one thing to think about others and please them, but it is very worrying when you allow your own happiness to be governed by their approval. I have found myself feeling like this on various occasions.
With two children, a husband and of course my family and friends I have often felt like I am doing my best to be the most awesome mum and suddenly out of nowhere both kids will fall ill when I really thought I was doing my very best to feed them well, dress them according to the weather, protect them as much as possible. However, shit happens and obviously it is NOT my fault they fell sick, but a part of me feels like I have failed them and not been the best mother. Does this happen to all mums? Well I think it does. With time however, you learn to accept these downfalls and instead of blaming your upbringing, you choose to embrace these sickies and find the positive side. The upside is usually that they will come out of it stronger and next time, take longer to catch the bug. At no point is any of this your fault or your failed attempt to please your children's needs.

I will give you another example. I organised a house party last year and decided to fabricate a guest list, based on a criteria, which I had discussed with my family. My intentions were not to hurt or exclude anyone on purpose, but often circumstances and even factors like space oblige you to restrict your list. Can we please everyone in this situation? Well frankly NO! I felt bad about this for a while, but after speaking to my mother, she explained to me that no one would ever be fully happy even if you try your best. It's a matter of making the majority happy and that's when your mission is successful.

Lately I have started using the following line in my head lately: Making EVERYONE happy, Are you CRAZY? Literally we would go bonkers if everyone had to pleased.

Why do we want to make everyone happy? The primary reason today is actually to feel part of a community and to feel accepted. In many cultures it is mandatory to please others and then think about yourself. One looks for status and this is gained by making others happy, so their approval grants you that "status" What will he/she think of me? I blame the material world here actually. As the west gets more prosperous, we don't seem to get any happier - why not? It's because money doesn't buy you happiness, your mum was right!

Up to a certain point a higher income can certainly make the difference but once we have the basics like a comfortable home, clothes that protect you and food to feed you, any more money really what it does is provide luxuries which thanks to the marketing strategies these days make you greedier and you start to compare yourself with your peers. If you don't have the latest smartphone then will they find you unacceptable in their social circle? We are effectively feeding off the acceptance of others and seeking popularity through a material world. Let me tell you, if you have increased your bank balance and friends count in parallel fashion, don't be surprised to lose the latter if your income suddenly goes down too.

Going by the "right" rules
On a more psychological level there are moments when you are subconsciously also pleasing others and it has nothing to do with money or material value. I belong to a community where sadly pleasing others is taken for granted, mainly because if you don't then it can have repercussions on your family name and you will be considered ill mannered or rude. Let me give you some real examples which I have picked up over the years and have been given to me by people who I have spoken to:

The main stem of the problem is paranoia and worrying!

If I don’t reply to every tweet, Facebook comment or email, people will never write again... or worse, they will decide to dislike me because my non-responsiveness will be interpreted as bitchy and pretentious.

Worrying that if I don’t say yes to all social events or favours or have a decent reason for saying no, I will badly offend the person asking. Not having the energy to comply or finding the plan a complete drag is not a valid enough reason.

When I haven’t heard back from someone, wondering if I’ve done something to anger or offend, then over-analysing until I do get some sort of sign that they don’t hate me. The IM chat rooms are a hellhole for this kind of example. Why did she say that and not follow it with a smiley? Is she in a bad mood, could I be the reason for her anger?

Accepting less-than-ideal behaviour from people I hate because if I say or do something to indicate I may be upset with them would just not be the acceptable thing to do - normally this occurs within families where one must abide protocol or hierarchy.

Wondering, after some social meet, if I’ve “met expectations” or not — and have been entertaining/cheerful and engaging enough towards the other people. Have I perhaps disappointed them?

Have I empathised and been understanding with the other person, usually far more than I would be with my own self?

All these examples stem from real life situations and it's amazing to see how much of this behaviour goes on in our daily lives. We are constantly struggling to fight the disease to please.

The Breakdown
If one were to look at such individuals from the outside, it would not take a genius to figure out that such pleasing can only be harmful and certainly in no way beneficial. When do we see signs of a fractured self?

I am exhausted from pleasing others, I am not finding any pleasure in this and all I keep doing is sugar coating my soul to make myself believe this is where happiness lies.

I may have made 6 happy, but the other 4 are so unhappy that this makes me feel worse. No prizes for guessing that the latter 4 are actually those that we care for the most.

If you are going to give, well do it with love and taste. Any giving done out of pressure will not bear the same results as the giving done with pleasure. You are no good to anyone if you run yourself ragged, so start to please yourself first and in a fit state of mind you will give quality to those who deserve it.

How do I filter the right people to please from the wrong?
I once read a quote which said "If You’re Absent During My Struggle, Don’t Expect To Be Present During My Success" - I am sure you have all heard of this. I find that my time and dedication should be invested on the people who are willing to invest their time on me when I need them the most. Therefore, if I am happy and surrounded by lots of well wishers, I don't consider this list to be a true reflection of those who actually want to share my happiness with me. Those that are there for me when I am not in a good place determine the real list.

Byron Katie wrote a book I need your Love, Is that true? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. In this book Katie states, “If you are worried about someone else’s business, and they are worried about their own business, then who is looking out for yours?” It is interesting how such a simple question helps us to extract the people who are concerned for us and those who are simply concerned about themselves.

A final tip I would like to give to my friend and pretty much everyone who has identified with my post is to have the "balls" to tell yourself that you DO NOT need anyone’s approval for your own happiness. I say this with a lot of hesitation because I really find myself weak at times to find those "balls". Yet when I am able to, I surface with dignity and attain respect for myself.

Good people are blessed with whole hearts but those same people are also the first to suffer a broken heart. It is not possible to make everyone happy so you may as well stop trying and instead invest your energies in living more for yourself.

Adultery: A Marital Crime

It’s no secret that the rates of adultery have gone up in modern society over the years. This is mainly due to the way it is viewed in different cultures, from Polygamy being accepted in certain communities, where marrying several women does not constitute as adultery. In addition, the high school frameworks have encouraged terms like “friends with benefits”, so much so that Hollywood had to go and make a movie on this subject. Bollywood also produced a box office blockbuster which addressed the subject in a more dramatic light but in my opinion was a reality check for our so called “conservative” culture and untapped the taboo via the entertainment industry.

I certainly don’t advocate the notion but I do feel it is important to be aware of the ways in which adultery can be a concept that enters our lives without prior warning and sometimes such a situation takes over our daily lives in the most natural ways, ultimately ending the strongest of marriages and relationships. It is our responsibility to detect these feelers that can be eradicated before it is too late.

It is important to frame the anatomy of adultery, to understand exactly what can be constituted as infidelity. We are all humans and have basic desires, like eat, drink, sleep and even the desire for sex. These are all necessary for us to function, however when misused can be harmful to our bodies and mind. 

In this context, when the wife or husband has shut down their shop for whatever reasons, one will look for another avenue to fulfil these cravings. This would be classified as physical adultery. Of course in many cultures this is actually accepted as I said earlier. In Russia women in their 40s only date married men because the life expectancy for Russian men has fallen to 54. Therefore, by the age of 65 there are just 46 men left for every 100 women. I state these facts like it’s such an obvious choice to make, but when you see it from a moralistic viewpoint; it is a clear example of physical adultery being committed.

What can often start a simple harmless friendship with another man or woman can slowly turn into what is classified as an emotional affair. The impact of such intimacy with another person can affect the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. Once this starts to occur, it is classified as emotional adultery. The parties committing adultery need not have a physical relationship, but their intimate closeness is enough to damage the marriage.  

Another fragment of this behaviour is the actual act of looking lustfully at another human being other than your spouse. Let me give you an example of this. The burqa symbolises the female’s sexual sovereignty, it represents the ownership of it by another person, and in this case it is supposed to prevent other men from looking at these women and encouraging any lustful desires. I could argue on the counter argument where the same culture permits more than one marriage for the same man and yet this is considered acceptable. Well, that would be writing a whole different article altogether.

Returning to the concept of adultery, if a married man or woman sees an attractive person on the street and wonders how he/she would look like in bed, well this is classified as adultery. The Bible puts this very clearly: Matthew 5:27-28 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

I will not lay any bets on how many of us have committed this type of adultery more than once, and are in perfectly stable and happy marriages. I have an opinion about this and I believe beauty has been given to us for appreciation. I can appreciate beauty and would like to think others do the same. I cannot be classified as adulterous if I find another man attractive or if my thoughts happen to derail for a while. I call these my personal “Mind Games” and it is in our own hands to not allow the mind to cross the moral boundaries of fidelity. One must be responsible for the warning signs and know how to end their own mental joyride. 

Why does one commit adultery? 

To be honest, no one takes such a step on basic impulse. The thoughts of adultery are entertained in ones head for quite some time before the clothing actually comes off. I imagine it to be a process that initially is to fill a void of some kind or even to escape from a life that is not giving you any sexual fulfilment. I have even heard of situations where both partners have agreed to go for an open relationship and try sharing partners. This latter arrangement could well be referred to as a negotiated adulterous affair. 

In the latter situation one tends to forget that jealousy never goes out of style. If you and your partner have mutually agreed to be socially polygamous, bear in mind that one of you could well suffer the consequences and Murphy may dictate his law when you least expected it. E.g. what if one of the partners falls in love with this third partner and it has been a physical involvement to begin with, but turns into an emotional twist. Indecent Proposal was a film that portrayed this very clearly, your body can be controlled but your emotions cannot be governed, therefore don’t look on the outside to better your sex life, work from within.

For a man it tends to be physical. Instinct usually tells them to sleep with every attractive woman. It sounds horrible but evolutionary psychologists have suggested that men are more likely to have extramarital sex, partially due to the male urge to “spread genes” by broadcasting sperm. We will return to scientific part of human monogamy, but first understand the reasons why women commit adultery.

For women, it's emotional. They usually feel something is missing and they need to satisfy themselves again. It may not necessarily be love they search, but men tend to get comfortable with their women and the romance exits through the back door. Women feed off romance and of course look to fill this gap elsewhere. 

The science behind human monogamy

This will shock you, but only 3-5 per cent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong monogamous bonds. An exception to this statistic would be wolves, beavers and some bats.

The framework of our society has actually been built to favour social monogamy and the main reason for humans to abide by these rules is for the well being of children. Another important reason why humans advocate monogamy is because it is one of mammals where the father invests time in raising children; it is common knowledge that we humans value the role of paternal investment far more than most other primates. 

Nevertheless, we are not any less polygamous than other species and the only reason why a woman would probably not indulge in extra marital sex is again determined by the rules o society. Women could lose the “dad” and his resources when it comes to raising the kids. So, once again for the well being of the children a woman cannot encourage a promiscuous lifestyle. 

Sexual monogamy is therefore regarded as a societal structure, rather than a natural one. This explains why adultery is such a temptation, or in this case innate for both men and women. 

Sexual desires for people you don’t love

The final part of this article stems from a study which I discovered rather accidently, but has opened my eyes further to the notion of adultery. It has been assumed for a long time that for most of us a romantic love for another person usually evokes a sexual desire. Therefore, one gets married out of romantic love and thus takes part in sexual intercourse to have children and build a family. You could say a connection needs to be there for the sex to take place.

Well, it is also possible that one has sexual desires for people they don’t actually love and vice versa. It would create the situation where one is madly in love with their partner and thus decides to get married to them, once married they could discover they love the person so much but are not even remotely sexually aroused by them. 

The problem is the words romantic love, sex and desire are so closely webbed together that it might almost be impossible to separate them. 

A team led by Gian Gonzaga did just that. Their team asked monogamous couples to fill out a survey about their feelings towards each other and then were asked to sit facing each other in a room and engage in four different conversations: teasing, a previous relationship, a current concern and most important of all, recalling their first date. 

After extensive videotaping and analysis, it was seen that there was not significant correlation between love and gestures associated with sexual desire. Also no links were found between sexual desire and gestures that correspond to romantic love. E.g. if marriage was spoken about between a couple, this did not accompany increasing sexual desire, but it did have high levels of more romantic love. 

Interesting data isn’t it? So now if such couples discover these differences and decide to fill the voids that are missing in their marriage, I guess the answer would be to search for them on the outside!

Solutions

I have a simple answer to this problem. If you are married, please have lots of sex! Yes it sounds like the obvious solution, but honestly just spend some time analysing your marriage and ask yourselves how much time do you dedicate to the act of sex and what frills go around it? If you are a man, do you make romantic gestures towards your wife? If you are a woman, are you willing to show him more than just vanilla sex? This is just some basic advice; it obviously applies very differently to each couple. 

If you are not yet married but looking to settle down with your partner, well I always tell everyone the same thing. Don’t ask yourself if you can live with him or her but confirm that you can’t live without them. Do you see my point? 

It’s not okay to be in a relationship where the communication is on the fall as the years go by and it’s certainly not okay to avoid sex after you’ve had your kids. Whether you agree or not, as a human being it is a need you have in your subconscious and suppressing it won’t make you a happier person, and looking to fulfil it outside your marriage almost certainly won’t give you inner peace. 

I leave you with a Buddhist quote “ The evils of the body are, murder, theft and adultery; of the tongue, lying, slander, abuse and idle talk; of the mind, covetousness, hatred and error.” Say no to adultery and don’t allow your “mind games” to take over your mind.

The Colours of My Rainbow

Every friend is special and I believe each one represents a different colour in our life. After our family, it is they who provide a pallet of colours that enable our canvas of life to remain colourful and peaceful, just like a rainbow. These are my colours and if you are reading, you may know who you are.

Red – You are the colour of passion and bravery. Your existence is powerful and protective, providing a protective umbrella over me so I never get hurt. You adore and scold me like a mother, hold me in your arms and hug me like there is no tomorrow.

Yellow - Brightness and sunshine you provide in my life. I want to smile every time I hear your voice. My troubles vanish when I am with you, for you absorb my maladies and provide me the happy pill.

Pink – You are the colour of silence. You speak little and provide thought and reflection for me. You give me balance and contrast for the bigger steps in life. You’ve taught me discipline and showered me with silent strength. My fears are less when you say the right things.

Green – You are hope! You have struggled and succeeded. You have fallen and risen. You’ve taught me the power of prayers and the value of time. You have fought for health, love, education, career and even friendship. My heroine, a true warrior.

Purple – You are royalty, the leader of the pack. You have provided me with powerful doses of laughter, richness of the African culture and a pure sense of camaraderie. You too have struggled and always held up with dignity. You are the life of our lives, bold and gregarious!

Orange – You are the colour of health. My vitamins and minerals provider.  I don’t see you all the time, but when I do I feel energized, rebooted and  brand new. You always know what to say and sometimes know me better than I know myself.

Blue – My sky! You make me look up and remind me the skies are my limit. You believe in my outrageous ideas and support my ordeals. We share our vino and quench our sorrows together. You are water, provide me with clarity! Like one needs to drink water to survive, I need you in my daily life to know everything is going to be just fine.

Family

In life we all fulfil a role from the minute we are born and this role is what determines our interaction with all the other members of our society. I mean either we are born to be daughters, mothers, wives or just a friend to someone.

So far, I have always written about the individual status one holds in their society, but never actually covered the nucleus as a whole. What is the importance of this foundation, otherwise known as the family.

My experience
As a child I was part of a small family with just a set of parents and a younger brother. Although I was born in a large joint family on both sides, both maternal and paternal side, I never experienced actually living for more than a holiday in this type of unit. Both my parents have five of more siblings each and all lived under one roof for several years. Therefore, they both understood the values of being part of a large family unit and also the consequences of it.

I recall as a young child, my mother made every effort to take my brother and I to India and we spent quality time with both sets of grandparents and respective uncles and aunts. This was only possible during our vacation and we actually did this practically every year and I admit I do have some very fond memories of my time with members of both families. I am thankful my parents provided me with this experience, especially since I did not have such moments in Madrid, the city I actually grew up in. I left for boarding school at the age of 13 and thereafter I was unable to even stay with my immediate family and was in a different country altogether.  My only time with my parents and brother was again on vacation.

Once I got married I embraced my husbands family and I was introduced to a concept that had been completely alien to me my whole life. I was not only living with my husband and his parents, but also with his two brothers, wives and their respective off springs.  This idea was no doubt daunting and certainly overwhelming at first, but I realised the gift I had been granted so many years later. On a practical level this was not feasible due to space, but I was fortunate enough to savour the joint family unit for just under three months, before the other families moved into their own new homes. I was left to live with my husband and in laws.

In addition to that, my husband also has five sets of cousins and their complete families living in the same city as us. This was a lot of family to digest as you can imagine. What proximity and quality of contact I had never received in my growing years, was being granted to me in my 20s. As time has passed, we have all had our own children and today the number of third generation children totals to 13. My own children have the luxury of choosing to play and spend time with their cousins in the same city where they live, and don’t have to travel to India to benefit from this.

Why is family so important?
I never used to think that having close family contact is essential to your character formation and relied heavily on just my parents, brother and some very close friends. I continue to do so and still consider some of my friends closer to me than many of my family members.

Nevertheless I underwent some very bittersweet experiences, which made me realise the importance of having a family in your life. There are few moments in our lives when the family plays a front seat role and no one, absolutely no one else can take the place of these people. When one gets married, when a member of your family passes away and when one gives birth to a child. These are but a few ground breaking events in your life where one values a family.

I will use the example of my own marriage. I got married in Barcelona, which was firstly not my hometown; it was certainly not a city where I have any family either. Therefore, every single friend or family member had to travel a few thousand miles to get to my weddings. I noticed the effort my family made to reach to my wedding and I observed there were people from more than five different countries there, some of them who had travelled for more than 24 hours to get there. I knew then how much my family meant to me and felt so proud to have such a large representation.  My husband himself was overwhelmed to see so many people and also realised how lucky he was to have his entire family living in the same city.

On a more practical level, I know I can count on my sister in laws for pretty much anything when I need a hand, and this unconditional support is only ever available from family. My mother tells me stories of how much she struggled when she moved to Spain once she got married. From living with five brothers, four cousins, numerous uncles and aunts and all under the same roof to an apartment with only her husband and no other family in the city, she was lost and felt very alone.

Today I have learnt the value of a cousin, through the eyes of my children who ooze love towards their cousins. I have learnt the value of an aunt through the interaction of my husband’s cousins with my mother in law. I have even learnt the value of having nephews and nieces through having my own and seeing the interaction between my brothers wife and my own children. It’s interesting how you can read infinite material about family but only really understand the importance it has in your life by either experiencing it first hand or visualizing it in front of you through other members. It took me 23 years to see the worth of such an institution.

A family is the foundation of culture. Every anthropologist will tell you this. Families associate with groups of families, forming networks of social interdependence as families make a living, socialize children, and protect themselves. The family and the culture are supposed to work hand-in-hand.  I know that having a family encourages me to think more about those that are not as fortunate as me and I feel far more protected, knowing there are individuals in my life who are always going to be there for me.

Misunderstanding your family.
There is one golden rule, which I always apply to my life when it comes to family. I must always remind myself that family is the last to appreciate anything you do for them, not because they don’t feel thankful but because in family you take things for granted. In a true family it is your duty to fulfil certain obligations for your family members and if you do it for them, they will do it for you. Of course this is not always the case and haven’t we seen numerous cases of fallouts between spouses, brothers and sisters and even parents with children.

A very important reason for these fallouts comes from the root itself. Cultural artefacts are set against the family. According to anthropologists, the artefacts of a culture — its art, stories, music, and other creations — serve to communicate and to reinforce that culture’s values. By these means, the elders teach the children the ways of the culture. Eventually, the young people learn what they need to know and are initiated into adulthood, whereupon they can start families of their own.

However, families today are put in the strange position of having to protect their children from their own culture.
Our culture’s stories, music and television tend to undermine what parents are trying to inculcate in their children, rather than reinforce in them. Today our popular television, movies, and video games — often embellish immorality. The world they deliver often has no connection to what a family means, paying mostly attention to the adventures of single people who want the world to be their oyster. What entertainment media is doing is showing off the family culture in a negative light and almost as an obstacle and hindrance in the path towards success. Misunderstood children are being given the limelight and considered wise than their annoying parents. Effectively our adolescent culture is creating the path to our future and setting our culture.

The future, a solution
I am going to use a very real example again. When my husband and I decided to have children, we had a long chat about how this was going to change our lives. In a joking sense my husband said to me “I have to work extra hard from now on, to provide a quality life for my children”.  Indeed he was right to say that, but I held him there and explained to him that quality life for his children was not only in a material sense but also quality time with their father. I requested him to start coming home a little earlier, to spend time with his children. We both agreed that it made more sense to gift our son a video game and then play the game with him, than simply gifting it to him.  As I said, this is a small example of family time, but with it you set a foundation, which your child receives at home and nowhere else.

We work for ourselves and later on for our families. However, what good is all this work and money if later you don’t have the time to spend it on your family or yourself.

We are constantly fighting against the forces of popular culture, which infest the minds of our children from a very young age, at pre-school, school, college and later on even in their jobs.

Statistics have shown that since 1986, the average time spent with members of a family on a working day has dropped from 4.2 hours and 10 minutes to 3 hours and 25 minutes in 2005. Even this data is already out-dated and we forget that in 2004 Facebook entered our lives too and last year we spent 8 hours a month on Facebook only.  All jokes apart, the figures are not very promising are they?

Spend time with your family, call them, visit them and even try to take a vacation with them. They will never appreciate you like many of your friends do, but when you are stuck in the mud with nowhere to go, it will be family you will seek to.

You can choose your friends and not your family, but the reason one cannot choose their family is because they are Gods gift and He knows why these people have been attached to your life. You have a large tree sheltering you, and your parents are the trunk. The other family members who enter your life are simply branches growing on your tree. You must feed this tree and let it grow, so it becomes bigger and stronger and provides you shade and shelter when you burn in the heat or wet in a storm.

God's Miracle

Teeny fingers and tiny toes
Goggly eyes
A spongy nose
Wee yawns and sleepy sighs
Facial spasms I can't quite fathom
Gurgling and burping
Hicups and all

So small and helpless
He'll cry and coo
His needs you'll have to guess
Some clues 
Some rules
He'll turn your world around
Upside down and inside out

He oozes pure innocence
He cries pure innocence
Innocent sleep
So pure and deep

What are you thinking my precious?
You stare at me, I melt inside
I promise to be your friend and guide
In my hands I hold you my boy
You give me so much joy

A breath of heaven
Untouched
Unmatched
You cannot compare this miracle to anything else
Silver or gold

It remains a mystery from up above
A baby is a blessing
A gift to love

Why do I love you?

You bring out the best in me
You test me
You protect me
You strangle me
But I like… you and me
Why?

You have taught me to cry in my sleep
Punched laughter in my dreams
Kicked my patience till I scream
You and me… such extremes
Why?

We agree to often disagree
We share to then break free
Toxic silences fill our spaces
One embrace
I’m yours again
Why?

I sometimes feel crippled
Held down… weighted
You are right
But nor am I wrong
Why?

Poison words
Thrown at my face
I listen and swallow
Weep inside my clinical hollow
Why?

I’m tired
Powerless
You exhaust me
And then…
Inject your drug
Why?

Because I love you

Siblings: I love/hate you

A sibling is one of two or more individuals having one or both parents in common. A male sibling is called a brother, and a female sibling is called a sister. In most societies throughout the world, siblings usually grow up together, facilitating the development of strong emotional bonds such as love, hostility or thoughtfulness. The emotional bond between siblings is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and personal experiences outside the family- Wikipedia


I have often wondered why brothers and sisters have such extreme relationships of profound love and also deep hostility, which can often be demonstrated in a matter of minutes, one from another. The reason for this is probably the comfort levels which such individuals share from a very young age, in most cases from birth. I have a younger brother, so my comparison will always be with him and no one else. Nevertheless, I have observed this unique relationship within several combinations, such as only sisters or brothers, twins and even  groups of all brothers and one sister and vice versa. The common denominator in all these combinations is the supreme level of verbal comfort the siblings have between themselves, starting from addressing one another with private nicknames to even jokingly insulting one another paying no regard to the age they grow up to be. 

There are plenty of relationships we develop in our life, out of which a sibling relationship is just one more. However, statistics in the United States have shown that 80 percent of people have at least one brother or sister and such a bond often outlasts marriages, survives the death of parents and reunites after quarrels that would sink many friendships. The marvelous thing is that siblings become stronger through incarnating a thousand times their closeness, distance, warmth, loyalty and even distrust. Most of us would have to actually think hard before describing our relationship with our brothers and sisters, because flashes of incidents often come to mind which anger you to the core, laughter also fills these memories and then there is lots of teasing mischief too.  Essentially it is the one relationship which brings you as much grief and pleasure at the same time and possibly the longest relationship of your life.

I want to describe one such example of siblings where within minutes do a sister and brother go from yelling and almost hitting each other to hugging and the elder one protecting his sister. I speak of my own children who never seize to fascinate me. My daughter is 4 and my son is 7. A lot of the time they are mostly fighting about little things and disagreeing on mindless matters, but it awes me the most when my daughter has an amazing quality on being able to test my son's patience to the absolute limits and he is able to contain his anger with so much resilience. I see his frustration comes out through the occasional slap on her arm and one such incident was on the street when she was wearing a pair of shoes which were half a size too small on her, therefore hurt her feet as she walked with us. Her brother had previously warned her not to wear them as she would probably complain to us later, so much so that he threatened to hit her if she didn't go and change them before we left home. Naturally she disobeyed and found a thrill in getting away with her own decision. In exchange for her rebellion she paid the consequences of suffering the pain in her feet. I was more than happy to let her deal with her problem and let her understand why this was happening to her. 

However, her brother decided to take off his own shoes, give them to her and chose to walk in girley shoes with only half his foot inside the tiny shoes. He explained to me that he couldn't see his sister suffer and it was okay if he wore her shoes for a short while and walked funny. I was moved by his words, literally the world stood still for me at that instance. I realised how much he actually cares and loves his sister, sacrificing his own comfort. This entire episode took place in a matter of 15 minutes and of course we were back to quarrels in no time.

Aside from this example, I experience a myriad of anecdotes in my daily life where I see the two of them project in a very peculiar way the connection they share for each other. It is most endearing to see when both of them will unconditionally defend one another especially when I intervene to punish one of them in any given situation. 

In all this, I  have always wondered how much research has been done to examine this type of relationship and was astonished to discover that it has only been around 15 years or so since the study of siblings has been done. Jeffrey Kluger has looked into this in great depth and written a book called The Sibling Effect. He analyses here why siblings fight, the concept of birth order, parents favouring one child over another, the effects of divorce and stepfamilies. Out of the exhaustive analysis there is one very interesting point I picked up, which was grouping together with your sibling/s to create a power against your parents. This is a common mechanism used by siblings to gang up against their parents and form a unit of strength which actually continues to act up even in adulthood. I smirked at this observation as I admit I have used this weapon many a times with my brother to get away with murder in front of my parents. 

Kluger points out that while other relationships may be complex and rich and have their own rules and rituals, “…there may be no relationships that can run quite as deep or survive quite as long as those among siblings. You know it if you grew up with one. You know it if you’re raising some. You know it if you’ve merely watched a group of them interact.” This is a fact as I pointed out in my introduction and one just knows from  distance when a group of people are siblings. 

A sibling can have a very lasting effect on your own personality, mainly due to the circumstances. From the minute we are born, our siblings are our partners and co-conspirators. In many cases our idols and also our alibis. They can be our protectors, tormentors, playmates, guinea pigs, helpers and even objects of great pride. We often fight our greatest battles with our siblings and they are our first source of teaching on how to become a friend and also teach us to resolve conflicts or walk away from them. Sisters are the first teachers to brothers on how to deal with other girls and brothers help with the puzzle about boys. Bigger siblings learn to parent their younger siblings almost automatically and it's their first taster of early parenthood. Similarly the younger ones absorb as much wisdom from their older sibs and keep this knowledge for life. 

We must not forget that our spouses and our own children arrive in our life much later and sadly our parents leave earlier than we would hope. Therefore, our siblings are the ones to see us grow and later see us age as well. A full circle is what you experience with your brothers and sisters. Based on this fact is how family sociologist Katherine Conger of the University of California, Davis states “ our brothers and sisters are with us for the whole journey.”

To conclude I would like to state the importance of having a sibling in your life, as often we see families with an only child and only then do we value the weight of a sibling in our life. 

Research has indicated that warmth in sibling relationships is an accomplice to lesser loneliness, fewer behaviour problems, and higher self-esteem (Stocker, 1994). Marjut Kosonen (1996) studied the emotional support and help that siblings can administer and found that when they needed help, children first seek out their mothers, but then search out to older siblings for support, even before they would go to their fathers. She also found that for secluded children (as is the case for many children placed into foster care), sibling support is especially crucial. For these children, an older sibling was often their only perceived source of comfort.

I once again defend this argument based on my personal experiences with my younger brother: We both left for boarding school at the ages of 13 and 10 respectively and although at the time neither of us may have realised this, but years later I read the handwritten letters sent to me by him and I could sense a closeness he shared with me which was most definitely disguised under a lot of mischief and amusing curse which was the method of communication he chose to adopt with me, despite being his elder sister. I noted a profound comfort level he shared with me, we depended on each other and although we never complained once to each other about missing our parents, it was just understood that he was there for me and vice versa.

I do not have a sister so I will never know how pure a relationship of two sisters can be, but if it is anything close to what I share with my brother, well I wish everyone had both a sister and a brother to gloat about.