Silent Scream

I can carry them, a few more minutes and I'll be able to put them down
The weight of the bags is slitting through my fingers
Carving dents of pain
I'm hurting but the chill in the air tightens my hands
Purple soon appearing
I know this purple, it chokes me stiff
Sedates me slowly
Bleeding sorrow from within

Crowds of congestion pollute my lungs
Poignant noises cause aching ears
Cutting glances blur my vision
Hearts of ice stab me cold

My body stops with a jolt
Bags down, weight off
Arms dangle defeat
Shoulders slouching failure
Enough!
I think I've given up

Puppet me close to a bench
Hold my hand, pull my torso
Wrap me tight
Hug my fears
Tear away my tears
I'm shouting for help
Why can no one hear my yelp?

One more am I
One more tear stain gone dry
One more day goes by
One more scream
A muted goodbye.

In transit

Four bare walls

Cold concrete floors

Naked ceilings, echoing voices

Empty rooms, a screaming absence

A blank canvas, creative silence

Bolts and bulbs, screws and sockets

Measuring tape lives in your pockets

Fitting, adjusting

Constant readjusting

A smell of new starts to brew

Moving boxes and sealing tape

Bubble wrap, all things packed

Some old sold, some old is gold

Some old best forgotten

Some old invite new beginnings

Energy drives across these spaces

New shelves support old books and familiar faces

Opening drawers and slamming doors

Human soul penetrates the floors

A new postcode

Goodbye to an old road

Some teething problems

And welcomed gains

Some latched freedom

Unlocked by new keys

A whistling kettle

Sit down and settle

Glowing candles

Flat screen panels

Savoury yummies and sweet delights

Ready to taste, ready to bite

Bare walls bear warmth

Naked ceilings radiate light

Boxed goods sheltered safe

Comfy couches caress the floors

Warm hands open doors

Once a house ...

Now a home 

Allow me

An old piece written in September 2000

I wonder what you're thinking
I wonder what you feel
I want to know what you believe in
I need to know what is real

You fear to share your secrets
You hide your beliefs
I can sometimes see your visions
But fail to confront your fears

I want to be led through your spirit
Through your soul
Through your heaven and your hell
Come on lets cast the spell

Will you teach me how to love you?
Will you teach me how to be?
Can I hold you near me?
And let you lean on me?

Will I ever swim on your ocean?
Will I ever lie in your stream?
Will you let me drain in your fountain?
And care to share your dream

Can I endure your pain?
Can I help to ease your grief?
Can I soothe the heartache?
Allow me to restore your faith

Goofy things that make me smile

1. Finding money I didn't know I had
2. Pizza crusts which everyone else leaves on the plate, I relish
3. An unexpected kiss from your child whilst you are getting them dressed
4. Getting a package from the post office!
5. Humming to a song you hear on the radio and then downloading it to hear it again and again
6. When someone does a “like” on my blog
7. A glass of wine on a Wednesday evening with my girls
8. When the weighing scale shows the magic number
9. Finding something so funny that you laugh out loud
10. Taking off my wedding ring, just to read the engraving inside
11. Helping a random stranger
12. Getting a compliment on your worst day
13. Finding a parking spot in the city centre and discovering you don't have to pay for it
14. Saying “I Love You” just because …
15. When the sun comes out after the rain
16. When my son tells me “I want to be like you Mama, you know everything!”
17. The smell of fresh baked bread
18. Watching an episode of Friends you had never seen before … "Gold dust"
19. Ice cream on a cold day
20. Falling asleep on the sofa 

Twisted Circle

We grew up apart without growing apart
Distance between us brought us closer
Today only a few miles away
And drifting apart

Crumbling debris has been piling up
Once a smooth road
Now tarnished by gravel and dirt
How long has it been?
I cannot tell
In denial was I then
Now have just given up

Tear stains are slowly smudging the present
The luminous past remains the past
Time is going so fast
The future may aswell be a fractured cast

In the twilight I still see you
I see a tall figure, I see a moving silhouette
I see a shadow
I see a faint figure
Then... blur

You talk to me
You hug me
You even say "help me"
How can I help you?
Come out of my dream
Please come out

With you I've laughed till I've cried
With you I've stayed awake till I've crashed out
With you I've seen the moonlight and watch the sun rise
With you my dear, it's always been clear

My love for you so strong, makes me stay
Other days anger takes over and I want to walk away
You play games with my mind
Answers I simply cannot find

Break down the glass wall
Break it girl
I'll help you gather the pieces
I'll bleed with you and then heal too
Scab to scar
I'm willing to go that far

I continue to embrace you
Circle gets bigger
My arms are aching
Circle gets bigger
I'm letting go
Can't no more
Circle gets bigger
Are you still going to be there?

I understand... do you really?

"The greatest mistake we often make in our relations, we listen half, understand quarter, think zero and react double." 

Do you ever find yourself in a situation where you just want to know why that person did what they did? We encounter everyday situations where our interaction with people is fundamental towards a harmonious and peaceful life. The people that often cause us maximum damage are sadly those closest to us. This is not because they intend to be mean to you or vice versa, it's simply because we often take their behaviour for granted and when suddenly these individuals say or don't say something we  initially feel shock, followed by anger and ultimately pain. 

A common solution to this problem is to talk! Agreed it is good to talk, but the key to successful talking is to do it at the right time. If one reacts immediately to a situation, often they will play the victim and emote negative energies and project a violent verbal or physical approach towards the problem. This automatically ecncourages the receiving end to either block off and build a wall of defense or simply judge you for your words and not understand why you have reacted in this way. So, really the problem has not been solved, but only gotten worse. 

Why do we do this? Well I like to think there is no right answer to this question, but there are two angles from which we can help ourselves to understand this a little better. One is the scientific / logical approach and second the spiritual approach.

We all loosely fall into four different categories as people. These are preferences which your personality opts for by default in a given situation. The first preference is a choice between an extroversian or an introversian. There is no "right" category as each one represents a set of characteristics which complement the overall personality of an idividual. If you are an "E" type, you generally talk to other people and listen to what someone is saying. If you are an "I" type, you prefer to think about what to say or do and can be a great listener for an "E" type. You basically define the direction of your daily actions either internally or externally. 

Seondly, there is sensing and intuition. These are methods by which we collect our information. E.g. Do you follow a plan step by step (sensing) or do you come up with new ways to carry out things (intuitive). We all need data to work with, but the sensing method grasps data in a literal and more concrete manner, whereas the intuitive method assimilates more abstract possibilities from data already gathered. Again, we all use both methods in our lives, but in differing degrees of priority and comfort. 

Thirdly, there is the criteria of thinking and feeling. When we are thinking, we can research into a product and base our purchasing decision on the product which best meets our needs. If we are feeling, we may just decide to buy a product because we like it. A thinker will always do the "right thing" even if they may not want to. A person in feeling mode will probably not tell somebody something, with the fear of upsetting them. Most decisions we make involve both feeling and thinking , but sometimes the harder decisions are those where one mode collides with another. In this event, the more dominant preference will take over and thus distinguishes one individual from another.

The last set of preferences are judging and perceiving. These latter ones determine our response to the external world and how we live our routine life. Those that like to be neat, orderly and finish off a task before starting another are of the judging kind. Perceivers like to be spontaneous and postpone things to see what other options are available. A challenge often arises when humans with a strong judging precedence have to deal with with those that have strong perceiving preferences. E.g. a lastminute holiday can appeal to some, but not to others. In couples it has been seen that a mixture of both these characteristics can be quite complementary, provided each one has accepted each others differences!

 So after understanding the different preferences which give shape and enrich the personality of an individual, we can see that it can appear quite complex and intricate. In actual fact, it's not such a rigid framework where a person can be black or white. We all possess these characteristics within us, but in varying degrees. The truth is, in times of stress and pressure, the more dominating preference prevails and thus we react accordingly in a situation. Pressure can be different for each person too. E.g. being on stage in front of hundreds of people can result stressful for many, but quite comfortable and mundane for others. 

Therefore, the correct procedure should be to eliminate stress and pressure from this mathematical equation, to enable all our preferences to work efficiently and thus help us to make an informed decision. As simple as this may sound, it is the toughest task for most human beings to work objectively under pressure. 

From a spiritual point of view, the message is quite simple too. One needs to have control over their mind to perform at optimum levels. This control is achieved by disciplining the mind and detaching your thoughts from the outside world, otherwise known as meditation. Meditation is a powerful exercise which takes years of practice and even then one is not always able to focus entirely well.

The ultimate goal however is to be able to react objectively and with patience to any given situation. In both instances, scientific or spiritual, the common factor is the right moment to voice your thoughts.. You can deliver the same message and eliminate a tone of anger, a feeling of judgement and successfully make the other person listen and not just hear what you are saying. 

In life it is important to never take any decisions when you are in an angered state of mind, you should never make promises when elated or happy and above all don't fall in love when you have not learnt to love yourself first! What is synonymous of these examples is the state of the mind, which is not balanced. Being too upset or too happy can derail our analysis and decision, and later on it may be too late to fix it!

 Put yourself in the shoes of another person, breathe their air and absorb their traumas by utilising your dormant preferences. After you have prepared your mind, only then is it the right moment to take action.

Eyes wide shut

Silence sits still on the window sill
I'm waiting, contemplating
Noise creeps through and seduces the air
I'm listening, absorbing
Blink black, blink light
Hide and seek I play with the night.

Deep breaths and gentle snores orchestrate a soothing ballad
Air conditioning hisses to add some bass
I'm staring, wondering

Blinking digitals and charging gadgets
Perform flashing pirouettes, adding colour to the darkness
Red shimmers bounce off my night stand, 0.44 reads the Casio display
My lids feel heavy and parched are my lips
I want to feel better, I really do
A sip of water, some turning around
Back to ground zero

Facing up or on my side
Stomach down
Arms hanging out
Layers off, come on again
Come on now
It's just not fair!

Silence sits still on the window sill
Noise creeps in and numbs the air
Drousy strokes brush my face
Blink black, blink black
I no longer hide or seek
I'm sleeping, finally sleeping!