Why do I love you?

You bring out the best in me
You test me
You protect me
You strangle me
But I like… you and me
Why?

You have taught me to cry in my sleep
Punched laughter in my dreams
Kicked my patience till I scream
You and me… such extremes
Why?

We agree to often disagree
We share to then break free
Toxic silences fill our spaces
One embrace
I’m yours again
Why?

I sometimes feel crippled
Held down… weighted
You are right
But nor am I wrong
Why?

Poison words
Thrown at my face
I listen and swallow
Weep inside my clinical hollow
Why?

I’m tired
Powerless
You exhaust me
And then…
Inject your drug
Why?

Because I love you

Siblings: I love/hate you

A sibling is one of two or more individuals having one or both parents in common. A male sibling is called a brother, and a female sibling is called a sister. In most societies throughout the world, siblings usually grow up together, facilitating the development of strong emotional bonds such as love, hostility or thoughtfulness. The emotional bond between siblings is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and personal experiences outside the family- Wikipedia


I have often wondered why brothers and sisters have such extreme relationships of profound love and also deep hostility, which can often be demonstrated in a matter of minutes, one from another. The reason for this is probably the comfort levels which such individuals share from a very young age, in most cases from birth. I have a younger brother, so my comparison will always be with him and no one else. Nevertheless, I have observed this unique relationship within several combinations, such as only sisters or brothers, twins and even  groups of all brothers and one sister and vice versa. The common denominator in all these combinations is the supreme level of verbal comfort the siblings have between themselves, starting from addressing one another with private nicknames to even jokingly insulting one another paying no regard to the age they grow up to be. 

There are plenty of relationships we develop in our life, out of which a sibling relationship is just one more. However, statistics in the United States have shown that 80 percent of people have at least one brother or sister and such a bond often outlasts marriages, survives the death of parents and reunites after quarrels that would sink many friendships. The marvelous thing is that siblings become stronger through incarnating a thousand times their closeness, distance, warmth, loyalty and even distrust. Most of us would have to actually think hard before describing our relationship with our brothers and sisters, because flashes of incidents often come to mind which anger you to the core, laughter also fills these memories and then there is lots of teasing mischief too.  Essentially it is the one relationship which brings you as much grief and pleasure at the same time and possibly the longest relationship of your life.

I want to describe one such example of siblings where within minutes do a sister and brother go from yelling and almost hitting each other to hugging and the elder one protecting his sister. I speak of my own children who never seize to fascinate me. My daughter is 4 and my son is 7. A lot of the time they are mostly fighting about little things and disagreeing on mindless matters, but it awes me the most when my daughter has an amazing quality on being able to test my son's patience to the absolute limits and he is able to contain his anger with so much resilience. I see his frustration comes out through the occasional slap on her arm and one such incident was on the street when she was wearing a pair of shoes which were half a size too small on her, therefore hurt her feet as she walked with us. Her brother had previously warned her not to wear them as she would probably complain to us later, so much so that he threatened to hit her if she didn't go and change them before we left home. Naturally she disobeyed and found a thrill in getting away with her own decision. In exchange for her rebellion she paid the consequences of suffering the pain in her feet. I was more than happy to let her deal with her problem and let her understand why this was happening to her. 

However, her brother decided to take off his own shoes, give them to her and chose to walk in girley shoes with only half his foot inside the tiny shoes. He explained to me that he couldn't see his sister suffer and it was okay if he wore her shoes for a short while and walked funny. I was moved by his words, literally the world stood still for me at that instance. I realised how much he actually cares and loves his sister, sacrificing his own comfort. This entire episode took place in a matter of 15 minutes and of course we were back to quarrels in no time.

Aside from this example, I experience a myriad of anecdotes in my daily life where I see the two of them project in a very peculiar way the connection they share for each other. It is most endearing to see when both of them will unconditionally defend one another especially when I intervene to punish one of them in any given situation. 

In all this, I  have always wondered how much research has been done to examine this type of relationship and was astonished to discover that it has only been around 15 years or so since the study of siblings has been done. Jeffrey Kluger has looked into this in great depth and written a book called The Sibling Effect. He analyses here why siblings fight, the concept of birth order, parents favouring one child over another, the effects of divorce and stepfamilies. Out of the exhaustive analysis there is one very interesting point I picked up, which was grouping together with your sibling/s to create a power against your parents. This is a common mechanism used by siblings to gang up against their parents and form a unit of strength which actually continues to act up even in adulthood. I smirked at this observation as I admit I have used this weapon many a times with my brother to get away with murder in front of my parents. 

Kluger points out that while other relationships may be complex and rich and have their own rules and rituals, “…there may be no relationships that can run quite as deep or survive quite as long as those among siblings. You know it if you grew up with one. You know it if you’re raising some. You know it if you’ve merely watched a group of them interact.” This is a fact as I pointed out in my introduction and one just knows from  distance when a group of people are siblings. 

A sibling can have a very lasting effect on your own personality, mainly due to the circumstances. From the minute we are born, our siblings are our partners and co-conspirators. In many cases our idols and also our alibis. They can be our protectors, tormentors, playmates, guinea pigs, helpers and even objects of great pride. We often fight our greatest battles with our siblings and they are our first source of teaching on how to become a friend and also teach us to resolve conflicts or walk away from them. Sisters are the first teachers to brothers on how to deal with other girls and brothers help with the puzzle about boys. Bigger siblings learn to parent their younger siblings almost automatically and it's their first taster of early parenthood. Similarly the younger ones absorb as much wisdom from their older sibs and keep this knowledge for life. 

We must not forget that our spouses and our own children arrive in our life much later and sadly our parents leave earlier than we would hope. Therefore, our siblings are the ones to see us grow and later see us age as well. A full circle is what you experience with your brothers and sisters. Based on this fact is how family sociologist Katherine Conger of the University of California, Davis states “ our brothers and sisters are with us for the whole journey.”

To conclude I would like to state the importance of having a sibling in your life, as often we see families with an only child and only then do we value the weight of a sibling in our life. 

Research has indicated that warmth in sibling relationships is an accomplice to lesser loneliness, fewer behaviour problems, and higher self-esteem (Stocker, 1994). Marjut Kosonen (1996) studied the emotional support and help that siblings can administer and found that when they needed help, children first seek out their mothers, but then search out to older siblings for support, even before they would go to their fathers. She also found that for secluded children (as is the case for many children placed into foster care), sibling support is especially crucial. For these children, an older sibling was often their only perceived source of comfort.

I once again defend this argument based on my personal experiences with my younger brother: We both left for boarding school at the ages of 13 and 10 respectively and although at the time neither of us may have realised this, but years later I read the handwritten letters sent to me by him and I could sense a closeness he shared with me which was most definitely disguised under a lot of mischief and amusing curse which was the method of communication he chose to adopt with me, despite being his elder sister. I noted a profound comfort level he shared with me, we depended on each other and although we never complained once to each other about missing our parents, it was just understood that he was there for me and vice versa.

I do not have a sister so I will never know how pure a relationship of two sisters can be, but if it is anything close to what I share with my brother, well I wish everyone had both a sister and a brother to gloat about. 

Love is?

I decided to embark upon this subject for several reasons, primarily because it has always been a subject of much discussion amongst a lot of my girlfriends. A lot of the single girls are forever asking me when will they find true love, the guys don't use the word but disguise it and basically ask the same questions. Indeed it is a simple phenomenon and yet so complicated to understand, fathom and above all find in life.

Initially I did start doing a lot of research on the subject as I do with all my articles, and I actually gathered some interesting information, especially from a scientific point of view. Ultimately I was not satisfied with all this quantitative data because I realised that love is in fact an emotion one just has to experience and you cannot just describe it. You can read love in poetry, listen to it in music and some of us even taste it through certain foods. Nevertheless, all these forms of description are never as accurate as the emotion one feels inside their heart, stomach and even glows it on their face.

Love in fact assaults all your senses at once and the feeling cannot be boiled down to one single sense. When you actually feel this wonderful emotion, it has the capacity to send you to planet "everyone here is happy and we are all happy" and at the same time has the power to knock you off your feet and throw you to the ground. Love can cause unlimited happiness and yet excruciating pain too. The latter is probably something most of us deny, but those who accept it can say they have felt true love.

Stages of love - I will not tell you what Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele have taught me or what Google highlights when you start your research. My idea of this piece is to work from personal heartfelt emotion. When I first felt what I interpreted as love a long time ago was actually strong attraction, lust, obsession and basically a lot of physical needs which I quietly supressed within me and in my ideal world love was this. I did not act upon these needs because I somehow felt the magic of just imagining it was beautiful and pure. I was scared my bubble would break if these needs were later disappointing and just not how my mind had imagined them to be. So indeed I was probably in a little fairy tale of my own and one could describe it as passive infatuation.

Physical attraction to the opposite sex - Well I did eventually grow up and as all curious teenagers, I too developed an attraction for the opposite sex. It was a beautiful time, I do remember obsessing over many boys and sharing my feelings with my boarding school roommates. We all had our little secrets and some even chose to go that step further and experiment with those physical feelings. This is the first time I learnt that love could hurt. I remember seeing my friends crying over a breakup and how he broke her heart. Really?? He broke her heart after two months of dating. Well back then it was the biggest drama of our lives and of course we all mourned for her.

What I can say from this experience is that yes it hurt. Why, because our emotions were played with and it was all taken very lightly. Even the word "love" was taken far too lightly, because we just knew no better. Despite the downfalls and dramas, we also became stronger and wiser. It is important to fall if you have to get up again!

When one says they feel butterflies in their stomach, well this is damn true. You feel sick in a pleasant way, and although this sounds like a complete oxymoron, it is true. On the flip side when you get hurt, the feeling is equally sickening and you just want to curl up and die.

Now somewhere along the years, I did also learn that these obsessions were not really true love. How did I understand this? It was quite simple; the attraction towards these boys was starting to wear off. I actually didn't find them as gorgeous anymore and began to peel off the layers charm and good looks from them. Some ended up becoming wonderful friends and some just stayed in the chapters of forgotten diaries. I started to appreciate the term friendship more and boys were someone I could talk to, share with and in return there were no expectations. Wow!!

I no longer felt conscious of how I looked in front of boys, and believe me this had always been a HUGE issue with my ever so slightly over weight problem. Clearly I was one step towards progress and I had begun to distinguish between lust, fondness and a new phenomenon had entered my life:  friendships with guys.

In good time I noticed I actually found some of these guys to be more loyal than many of the girls and it was shockingly easier to talk to them. Ladies, you may think guys do not emote or understand us, but I can assure you they know and feel everything.

One major bumper killed this great ride for me. I actually fell for one of my friends and the phase of attraction, obsession some stalking started again. Oops! I do recall this period being rather hard, because the feelings were not mutual and actually far harder to deal with because I had to see this friend all the time and just pretend. I honestly believed this would be temporary and I would just fall out of this obsession and attraction.

At this point I learnt about emotional attachment. A third stage of my progress. I could not find a way to make it go away or deal with it. I thank my girls and some guys at the time that helped me to move on and some offered me solutions like trying to date another guy or to eat obscene amounts of chocolate. Apparently the pain was to heal by adapting such measures. Go figure!

OMG, it struck me one morning that could I be feeling the L word. No, this was not possible because I had not told him anything, he had not given me any signals and above all he was my friend! Well I was in some trouble I think and of course in complete and utter denial.

Sure enough I had to figure out how to deal with this whole mess and I chose to come clean. Yes it sounds drastic and dramatic, but I was no longer willing to play hide and seek with my own self. I shared my roller coaster emotions with my friend. A big burden was off my shoulders and I actually had no expectations in return. This was the point in my life when I learnt about a type of love. Platonic Love! It seemed so messed up and yet the perfect solution that typified each and every symptom I had been feeling. The attraction and lust did grow off and this was ultimately the realisation for me that platonic love can exist.

After this incident I experienced a lot of relationships where there was attraction and lots of respect too. I didn't pursue them too far as I never wanted to fall into platonic love again because as beautiful as it is, I did see the baggage it brought with it and I don't think I was emotionally equipped to handle so much intensity again.

I met my husband and our process followed a similar pattern of attraction, lust, obsession and even a very strong friendship. I didn't know what I was feeling beyond this point because all I wanted was to be with him and we even had an episode of distance. During this episode I felt a void which literally kept me sleepless, I didn't feel hungry and I felt a pain which I couldn't even release through non stop crying. I learnt that day about pure love. I was not scared to admit to it anymore and I actually told him I loved him, before he had said it to me. I didn't know what the consequences would be, but I did know this feeling was pure and sacred.

Sure enough we did get married and years on there have been obstacles in our love. Many of them have tested our patience, anger has often stepped in and I have cried myself to sleep too. However I also know this agony has been inflicted upon me because I am in pure love and this love can give you pain that stabs you, but also turns around and hugs you so hard that you can only hug it back twice over.

Love does not mean you are always happy, love does not always accompany good looks and fabulous bodies. Love is a process of attachment, which speaks only the truth, and essentially it is what saves you from a break up if the cracks need to be filled. A relationship based on pure love will always flourish even if misunderstandings occur, third parties get involved or even distances come in between.

From my experience, I have lost and found again many relationships and the common saviour every single time has been love. We take for granted those we love and therefore hurt them the most too. This happens in all relationships and cultures. Sadly, a lot of us have allowed external factors to tarnish the purity of love and blame love itself to be the cause of our pain. Yes love does cause pain, but that pain is self inflicted because we misuse our trust, boundaries and some of us even try to love the way we want to be loved. You must love how the other person needs to be loved and in return they will love you how you deserve.

The language of love only speaks of healing and faith in one another. You will know if what you feel is love... the rest are just lighter shades of the same family!

    

My little girl

She's here, she's mine

A little bit of sunshine

She holds my hand

Hard

"Promise me you will always be my guard"

Suddenly

Kisses me off guard

She makes me smile

"I love you mama"

She whispers in her own style

She cuddles

Snuggles

Nestles in my arms

My giggling dolly

Tu es vraiment très jolie!