I spent a long train journey reading about Nora Ephron who recently passed away at the age of 71 and was an award winning screen writer for films like When Harry Met Sally and Sleepless in Seattle. I was particularly taken aback by the light hearted way in which she handled the whole concept of ageing. I know I am far from being old and probably do not have any right to tell anyone older how to not self pity themselves, when I have hardly any idea about the fears one faces when they are heading into their 40s , 50s or 60s.
However, it got me thinking about how one treats you when they actually know your numeric age and when they don't know, how things change. I have a friend who is hitting the big 50 very soon, but if you were to look at her for the first time, I doubt you would classify her in the 50s bracket. She would not cross further than 40 in my opinion and I am not saying just physically but also the way in which she speaks to you and the conversations she is able to hold with people much younger than herself or even older. I admire my friend because age has never been an agenda for her. It is true we bitch about our never ending battles of wanting to lose weight, about the best anti wrinkle creams on the market and even joke about wanting to go for a tuck or lift.
Nevertheless, when we are having a good time our main concern is the fact that we share similar interests and not once does it strike me that I have a 50 year old friend who I willingly want to hang out with. She will participate in a conversation about bungee jumping, but also share her views on spirituality with you.
Fears against technology. Ephron points out in one of her articles on age shame, about her fear towards technology. She candidly admits that she is unable to get the buttons on her car radio to play her favourite stations. I actually feel her panic myself and I am only 34. It flabbergasts me when I hear my 20 something year old friends telling me there is an "App" for everything. Apparently you can make your coffee through your phone! As much as it fascinates me and I like to think I'm fairly tech savy most of the time, I know I will never be as sophisticated in the world of technology as my 20 something friends. It's not that they are a step ahead of me, it's simply that I have grown up with other gadgets and can identify with the advent of mobile technology with great ease but do get a bit lost when the phone is considered smarter than the human being.
I have another friend who is 24 and he met me for the first time thinking I was also in my 20s, clearly unaware of reality and perhaps my genes were having a remarkably good day. When he did discover my real age, I don't think he even paid attention to this change, because by then our friendship had evolved sufficiently for any of us to really care. This sweet oblivion I do feel breaks down lots of barriers which we often tend to wall ourselves against, when we know the age of the person. I now get the "you are too old to know this and that" jokes, but it only adds zest to our friendship and he often tells me he forgets that I am in fact so much older to him. I would not say he is more mature or I am immature, it's just two adults getting along.
Ageing as a disease. Age tends to bring with it intelligence, experience, wisdom and beauty. However, we are still so scared of it and treat the changes as a medical condition. So many women address their wrinkles as some sort of degenerative disease, primarily fueled by the media because women like Helen Mirren are used as images to sell the creams and one forgets that that even Helen Mirren is photoshopped in the adverts. Are these distorted and misleading adverts what cause so many traumatic fears in perfectly beautiful "normal" women? Being bombarded with advertisements of sexy teenagers selling everything from deodorant to furniture just adds even more insecurity in a woman who is starting to enter the wrinkles, bags, cellulite zone.
Unfortunately ageing has been compared to as being the younger cousin of dying. The concept of eternal youth has been embraced by scientists that companies such as L'Oreal are in fact studying the possibility of creating a pill which will prevent grey hair from appearing. This would be the magical pill which will basically stop you from oxidising further. Are we not playing with mother nature and how many of us will actually be able to afford such a pill? And for what? It may just be a cosmetic breakthrough but in turn will promote even more anxieties amongst men and women who will automatically be forced to fall in the ageing bracket, whether they like it or not.
Widening the generation gap. It does not help that our society has made us see in the elderly weakness and ugliness, instead of wisdom and experience. Socially we see the elderly as another group of people altogether, with different tastes and attitudes to the world. Are we basically in denial and just don't want to accept that one day we will also be old and these differences are aggravated by us and the younger generation?
Research has shown that in cultures such as China and Japan where the elderly are regarded as precious members of society, time is spent with such individuals to absorb from them the intellect and wisdom they have to offer us and statistics show that the existence of dementia and depression is far lower in such countries. This implies that such attitudes encourage protection over the elderly and allow them to grow older happily and not suggesting that growing old means growing obsolete. I pose a question to you, how many of us have direct contact on a daily basis with someone older than 60 in our homes or workplace? It's shocking how in countries like the UK, almost a third of people under 25 don't have contact with anyone over 65, creating a further gap between the generations.
I have been living with a 67 year old woman for 11 years now and if I were to describe the mutual benefits we have received from one another over this span of time, it would only encourage young people to perhaps do the same and not opt for a nursing home or old age home for their elders. I agree it is hard, but what isn't in life?
Coming back to the fears of ageing, apart from the impact of media, technology and science, the generation rift and society pressures which one faces when you turn a certain age, there is this loss of control one faces as they grow older.
Taking it purely from an esthetic point of view I will describe a simple example where a woman in her 20s is like the show stopper of society, she is the iPad of style, the cupcake of glamour and basically the hottest thing out there, even if she is broke, still living with her parents and not in a stable job or career. The mere fact that she can be out all night and not wash her hair the next day and just walk out in jeans and a Tee will make her fabulous because she has no wrinkles and her breasts are not sagging. I sound like a superficial wench, but it's the fact of life. A 20 something year old woman is in control and only because she as been portrayed like that by none other than you and me and Gossip Girl of course!
The same woman in her 30s will be desirable and considered ripe and mature, but will consiously spend some extra time applying some corrector and probably not walk out in just a pony tail. Here we see early signs of imperfections, again created by you and me and Sex and the City!
She will enter her 40s, with a clear list of what needs to be tucked and lifted and will have complete knowledge on the magic of corsets and dying your hair will be a taboo subject because you and I both know she is already doing it for a while. I blame all of us and Desperate Housewives! You get my point right?
A woman is in control if she wants to be and all these external insecurities don't add but instead lessen her beauty. If we speak to women who are currently in their 60s, they will tell you that when they were younger it was more important to them that they had lived two world wars and getting older was not even a concern. Elizabeth Taylor was the iconic actress of their time, but no one wanted to actually be like her.
A woman in her 70s will tell you that the world perceives her as old because of the way she looks, but she doesn't care as in her mind she still feels young. This example relates to my 50 year old girl friend who behaves how she feels and not how society wants her to.
To conclude I want to say that age is not going to be defeated by any of us, it will catch up with us sooner or later. However there are ways in which you can invest in yourself early on and reap the benefits at a later stage. I am 34 and I really feel now is the time to make those investments for myself, to help my ageing process more graceful later on. Exercise, stop smoking if you are a smoker, cut down on the drinking, work on your appearance and make changes that make you happier when you look at yourself in the mirror. An example can be a different haircut.
Lastly, make yourself aware of the achievements you have attained in life until now and be proud of yourself. If you have gained so much by the time you are 30, how can you better the next 30 years of your life? Enjoy what you do and don't regret anything from the past.
We all have our fears, be it in our 20s or in our 60s, but as you grow older the petty things affect you less and let your wrinkles be a petty thing. Don't slap on the cosmetic Band-Aid, instead be fearless and proud of your years rather than shameful of them. We will all continue to dye our hair and use anti wrinkle cream, but in the process don't obsess, for life is too short.
