The Sandwich Generation

When I asked my six year old son what was the first thing that came to his mind when he was asked about Mama and Papa, he answered “you both remind me of Santa Claus and Mrs Claus.” I was curious to know why he had made this association, to which he responded “Santa Claus makes all the children happy, if they behave well and he is kind to all the children too. Papa and you always ask me to behave myself and make the bad go away too.”

A smart and honest answer from such a young child, which introduces the subject I want to cover; being a good parent and sometimes parenting your own parent. It’s vital to understand the importance of a parent in any child’s life. It is said that a parent lays the foundation for his child and good parenting can have several benefits on the child. Amongst these are the physical (good health as an adult), mental – (academic success) and emotional (better social skills). A role therefore which is irreplaceable and which cannot be taken over by anyone else.

However, as a child grows up and seeks an independent life, they find themselves talking less to their parents on a regular basis. This is normal, as they want to find their own path and make adult choices. One probably ends up speaking more to their friends than their own parents, thinking the friends are more on their “wavelength”. Indeed this is often true, but we do forget that what your parents do have and peers don’t is wisdom and experience. What good is knowledge if one doesn’t have the wisdom to apply it intelligently?

Khalil Gibran (The Prophet) said about children you may offer them your love, but not your thoughts- they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies, but not their souls…” A good parent will never chain you up and impede you from success. They will guide you if need be, they will accept you in the worst of your moments and above all they will give you their honest opinion about anything you ask them about.

So it is pretty clear how important good parenting can be, and once the child grows up this parenting doesn’t actually stop, it takes a subtly different direction. The child is no longer as physically or emotionally dependent on his parents, but his parents are getting older and thus develop a dependency on their child instead. A role reversal takes place here and this is commonly known as parenting your own parent.

This does seem obvious as we talk about it, a normal cycle of life. If you are older, then clearly your parents are getting even older. However, with the growing life expectancies and more health ailments to accompany, what we are facing now is not only are you taking care of your own parents, but also of your own young children. This phenomenon is referred to as the sandwich generation. Are you part of this generation? A lot of us can probably identify with this, and I particularly want to pinpoint a group, which I am a part of.

As an Indian born in Spain, I was raised under strong Indian values where it was made clear to me that once I got married, my in laws would become my parents and their welfare would be my responsibility. These ties are stronger in families where the daughter in law actually shares the same roof as her husband’s parents. At the same time, growing up in more urban and modern circumstances, I also believe my own parents continue to be my responsibility. Many young Indians share a situation like mine across the world, even in modern India. I dare to call this a double decker sandwich generation. As amusing as this may sound, this is actually a rather daunting feeling and more often than usual it hits you without warning. One fine day you will find yourself holding your parents hand when crossing the road and not vice versa, or you will see yourself repeating the same thing to them three or four times and not vice versa.

This change can often be emotionally taxing on you as well as your nuclear family, sometimes even straining your marriage.

There are several ways to handle such a situation. First and most important is acceptance. To liberate you from the emotional baggage it is often easier to see your ageing parents as fellow adults. You will handle everything more objectively if you change your mental chip.

Secondly you must develop open communication with your parents. I stress communication because with age, the only thing an old person wants from you is your time and regular conversation. No amounts of medication or therapy will alleviate a sick parent more than your loving words and genuine interest in their lives.

Make your young children spend time with their grandparents. This has two positive effects; a bond is created between the two and your ageing parents are able to relive their youth through these young children and exercise their memory as they are given the opportunity to explore their achievements and peaks in their lives as they watch these kids grow.

Appreciate your parents and demonstrate this by saying a simple thank you. You would do it for your boyfriend and even your friend, but it is more important to say this to your parents as they are at a point in their lives where insecurity is breeding and even they are realising that they are becoming dependant on you.

All of the above will only work if you on a personal level are feeling positive and are able to send out good vibrations to your parents. Therefore, take care of yourself and do all things you need to do to stay healthy and happy. Your thoughts will often be negative when you feel sandwiched, so you must handle these thoughts by applying knowledge to the situation. Read and learn about their illness or condition, this will enable you to walk towards the solutions more smoothly.  

So far we have covered good parenting and the importance of this on your children, how do handle being a parent to your own parents and how to balance both these roles in a double decker sandwich.

As with all the situations I confront in life, I like to see the dilemma from a spiritual point of view as well, as I feel this provides me the added strength or mojo to handle the situations.

In this case I see a clear pattern, which repeats itself from generation to generation. Your parents give birth to you and raise you in the best way possible, providing you with only the best. In return you must give back what you have received when it is their turn to take it back. This is why a child and an old person need exactly the same thing, love and your time. So, whatever goes around comes around too. If you give to your children, they will give it right back to you. What you shall sow, you will reap. These are the simple laws of spirituality!

In other words, the seed is sown the minute a child is born and how you choose to weave the threads of this child’s future is entirely in your hands. The results of your weaving are mirrored by how well your child takes care of you in old age.

I agree there are many other factors, which are not in anyone’s hands, like geographical positioning, financial constraints, health issues from both sides etc. However, the one thing, which can always remain constant or even grow with time, is love for one another. When we love our parents, all obstacles seem ordinary and we are able to overcome them. Your parents also went through the same obstacles, if not more and you turned fine didn’t you?

Remember your own kids have new hopes ahead of them, your elders lived their life, provided for you and leave behind footprints of themselves – YOU!