My tribute to YashRaj

Kabhi kabhie dil mein yeh savaal uthta hai
Hum ye deewar khadi kar dete hai
Dilon ko milne se, rukwa dete hai
Kyun?
Sach to yeh hai
Faasle kitne bhi ho
Jeet hamesha pyar ki hoti hai
Nahin bujti ishq ki ye mashaal
Daag mit te nahin
Mohobbat kat ti nahin
Fanaa hote hue bhi, pyar mein rang jaate hai

Kabhi kabhie darr bhi lagta hai
Voh pyar ke lamhe chandni me kho jaate hai
Kuch bewafa maane jaate hai
Aur kuch pyar ki qurbaani de behte hai
Lekin...
Yeh silsila chalta reheta hai
Sache dilwale, dulhania le hi jaate hai

Kabhi kabhie dil pagal ho jaata hai
Maya ke pyar mein saari saari raat jagata hai
Apne yaar se pyar ho jaata hai
Dil chot pohochata hai
Lekin...
Rab jo karta hai
Thik hi karta hai
Veer aur Zaara ko milva hi deta hai

Kabhi kabhie pyar aise hi ho jaata hai
Na chahate hue bhi ho jaata hai
Hum aur tum milte hain
Chalte chalte achanak ruk jaate hai
Akele khayalon mein kho jaate hai
Chup ke se gale laga leta hai

Sacha pyar to tab hota hai
Jaan bhi jaae
Lekin...
Pyar zinda reheta hai
Jab tak hai jaan, mein tujh pe kurbaan

Kya yehi pyar hota hai?
Haan, yehi pyar hota hai

Make everyone Happy, are you Crazy?

A dear friend asked me recently where does one draw the line to make others happy? I wondered for a long time about this, because I always believed that I actually received more happiness in making others happy. Do I consider myself a people pleaser? Does my friend think she is also a people pleaser? To be honest a lot of us try to do the right thing and the right thing is to be selfless and think about others and not yourself. This practice is excellent, provided you don't end up going emotionally broke in pleasing others. You can also invest your time in creating, living and being truthful to your own needs and desires.

I'm not giving any of you new information here, but what is true is that amidst our daily priorities, which often involve other human beings, we actually end up auditioning for other people's lives. I have actually decided to write this post for my friend and also partly for myself.

There is a personality type identified as ENFJ - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging and this is a person who is considered a Giver. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.  I actually don't classify myself as an ENFJ entirely, but I know for a fact that there are traits of this person in me and others probably feel I am describing them entirely.

It is one thing to think about others and please them, but it is very worrying when you allow your own happiness to be governed by their approval. I have found myself feeling like this on various occasions.
With two children, a husband and of course my family and friends I have often felt like I am doing my best to be the most awesome mum and suddenly out of nowhere both kids will fall ill when I really thought I was doing my very best to feed them well, dress them according to the weather, protect them as much as possible. However, shit happens and obviously it is NOT my fault they fell sick, but a part of me feels like I have failed them and not been the best mother. Does this happen to all mums? Well I think it does. With time however, you learn to accept these downfalls and instead of blaming your upbringing, you choose to embrace these sickies and find the positive side. The upside is usually that they will come out of it stronger and next time, take longer to catch the bug. At no point is any of this your fault or your failed attempt to please your children's needs.

I will give you another example. I organised a house party last year and decided to fabricate a guest list, based on a criteria, which I had discussed with my family. My intentions were not to hurt or exclude anyone on purpose, but often circumstances and even factors like space oblige you to restrict your list. Can we please everyone in this situation? Well frankly NO! I felt bad about this for a while, but after speaking to my mother, she explained to me that no one would ever be fully happy even if you try your best. It's a matter of making the majority happy and that's when your mission is successful.

Lately I have started using the following line in my head lately: Making EVERYONE happy, Are you CRAZY? Literally we would go bonkers if everyone had to pleased.

Why do we want to make everyone happy? The primary reason today is actually to feel part of a community and to feel accepted. In many cultures it is mandatory to please others and then think about yourself. One looks for status and this is gained by making others happy, so their approval grants you that "status" What will he/she think of me? I blame the material world here actually. As the west gets more prosperous, we don't seem to get any happier - why not? It's because money doesn't buy you happiness, your mum was right!

Up to a certain point a higher income can certainly make the difference but once we have the basics like a comfortable home, clothes that protect you and food to feed you, any more money really what it does is provide luxuries which thanks to the marketing strategies these days make you greedier and you start to compare yourself with your peers. If you don't have the latest smartphone then will they find you unacceptable in their social circle? We are effectively feeding off the acceptance of others and seeking popularity through a material world. Let me tell you, if you have increased your bank balance and friends count in parallel fashion, don't be surprised to lose the latter if your income suddenly goes down too.

Going by the "right" rules
On a more psychological level there are moments when you are subconsciously also pleasing others and it has nothing to do with money or material value. I belong to a community where sadly pleasing others is taken for granted, mainly because if you don't then it can have repercussions on your family name and you will be considered ill mannered or rude. Let me give you some real examples which I have picked up over the years and have been given to me by people who I have spoken to:

The main stem of the problem is paranoia and worrying!

If I don’t reply to every tweet, Facebook comment or email, people will never write again... or worse, they will decide to dislike me because my non-responsiveness will be interpreted as bitchy and pretentious.

Worrying that if I don’t say yes to all social events or favours or have a decent reason for saying no, I will badly offend the person asking. Not having the energy to comply or finding the plan a complete drag is not a valid enough reason.

When I haven’t heard back from someone, wondering if I’ve done something to anger or offend, then over-analysing until I do get some sort of sign that they don’t hate me. The IM chat rooms are a hellhole for this kind of example. Why did she say that and not follow it with a smiley? Is she in a bad mood, could I be the reason for her anger?

Accepting less-than-ideal behaviour from people I hate because if I say or do something to indicate I may be upset with them would just not be the acceptable thing to do - normally this occurs within families where one must abide protocol or hierarchy.

Wondering, after some social meet, if I’ve “met expectations” or not — and have been entertaining/cheerful and engaging enough towards the other people. Have I perhaps disappointed them?

Have I empathised and been understanding with the other person, usually far more than I would be with my own self?

All these examples stem from real life situations and it's amazing to see how much of this behaviour goes on in our daily lives. We are constantly struggling to fight the disease to please.

The Breakdown
If one were to look at such individuals from the outside, it would not take a genius to figure out that such pleasing can only be harmful and certainly in no way beneficial. When do we see signs of a fractured self?

I am exhausted from pleasing others, I am not finding any pleasure in this and all I keep doing is sugar coating my soul to make myself believe this is where happiness lies.

I may have made 6 happy, but the other 4 are so unhappy that this makes me feel worse. No prizes for guessing that the latter 4 are actually those that we care for the most.

If you are going to give, well do it with love and taste. Any giving done out of pressure will not bear the same results as the giving done with pleasure. You are no good to anyone if you run yourself ragged, so start to please yourself first and in a fit state of mind you will give quality to those who deserve it.

How do I filter the right people to please from the wrong?
I once read a quote which said "If You’re Absent During My Struggle, Don’t Expect To Be Present During My Success" - I am sure you have all heard of this. I find that my time and dedication should be invested on the people who are willing to invest their time on me when I need them the most. Therefore, if I am happy and surrounded by lots of well wishers, I don't consider this list to be a true reflection of those who actually want to share my happiness with me. Those that are there for me when I am not in a good place determine the real list.

Byron Katie wrote a book I need your Love, Is that true? How to Stop Seeking Love, Approval and Appreciation and Start Finding Them Instead. In this book Katie states, “If you are worried about someone else’s business, and they are worried about their own business, then who is looking out for yours?” It is interesting how such a simple question helps us to extract the people who are concerned for us and those who are simply concerned about themselves.

A final tip I would like to give to my friend and pretty much everyone who has identified with my post is to have the "balls" to tell yourself that you DO NOT need anyone’s approval for your own happiness. I say this with a lot of hesitation because I really find myself weak at times to find those "balls". Yet when I am able to, I surface with dignity and attain respect for myself.

Good people are blessed with whole hearts but those same people are also the first to suffer a broken heart. It is not possible to make everyone happy so you may as well stop trying and instead invest your energies in living more for yourself.

Adultery: A Marital Crime

It’s no secret that the rates of adultery have gone up in modern society over the years. This is mainly due to the way it is viewed in different cultures, from Polygamy being accepted in certain communities, where marrying several women does not constitute as adultery. In addition, the high school frameworks have encouraged terms like “friends with benefits”, so much so that Hollywood had to go and make a movie on this subject. Bollywood also produced a box office blockbuster which addressed the subject in a more dramatic light but in my opinion was a reality check for our so called “conservative” culture and untapped the taboo via the entertainment industry.

I certainly don’t advocate the notion but I do feel it is important to be aware of the ways in which adultery can be a concept that enters our lives without prior warning and sometimes such a situation takes over our daily lives in the most natural ways, ultimately ending the strongest of marriages and relationships. It is our responsibility to detect these feelers that can be eradicated before it is too late.

It is important to frame the anatomy of adultery, to understand exactly what can be constituted as infidelity. We are all humans and have basic desires, like eat, drink, sleep and even the desire for sex. These are all necessary for us to function, however when misused can be harmful to our bodies and mind. 

In this context, when the wife or husband has shut down their shop for whatever reasons, one will look for another avenue to fulfil these cravings. This would be classified as physical adultery. Of course in many cultures this is actually accepted as I said earlier. In Russia women in their 40s only date married men because the life expectancy for Russian men has fallen to 54. Therefore, by the age of 65 there are just 46 men left for every 100 women. I state these facts like it’s such an obvious choice to make, but when you see it from a moralistic viewpoint; it is a clear example of physical adultery being committed.

What can often start a simple harmless friendship with another man or woman can slowly turn into what is classified as an emotional affair. The impact of such intimacy with another person can affect the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. Once this starts to occur, it is classified as emotional adultery. The parties committing adultery need not have a physical relationship, but their intimate closeness is enough to damage the marriage.  

Another fragment of this behaviour is the actual act of looking lustfully at another human being other than your spouse. Let me give you an example of this. The burqa symbolises the female’s sexual sovereignty, it represents the ownership of it by another person, and in this case it is supposed to prevent other men from looking at these women and encouraging any lustful desires. I could argue on the counter argument where the same culture permits more than one marriage for the same man and yet this is considered acceptable. Well, that would be writing a whole different article altogether.

Returning to the concept of adultery, if a married man or woman sees an attractive person on the street and wonders how he/she would look like in bed, well this is classified as adultery. The Bible puts this very clearly: Matthew 5:27-28 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

I will not lay any bets on how many of us have committed this type of adultery more than once, and are in perfectly stable and happy marriages. I have an opinion about this and I believe beauty has been given to us for appreciation. I can appreciate beauty and would like to think others do the same. I cannot be classified as adulterous if I find another man attractive or if my thoughts happen to derail for a while. I call these my personal “Mind Games” and it is in our own hands to not allow the mind to cross the moral boundaries of fidelity. One must be responsible for the warning signs and know how to end their own mental joyride. 

Why does one commit adultery? 

To be honest, no one takes such a step on basic impulse. The thoughts of adultery are entertained in ones head for quite some time before the clothing actually comes off. I imagine it to be a process that initially is to fill a void of some kind or even to escape from a life that is not giving you any sexual fulfilment. I have even heard of situations where both partners have agreed to go for an open relationship and try sharing partners. This latter arrangement could well be referred to as a negotiated adulterous affair. 

In the latter situation one tends to forget that jealousy never goes out of style. If you and your partner have mutually agreed to be socially polygamous, bear in mind that one of you could well suffer the consequences and Murphy may dictate his law when you least expected it. E.g. what if one of the partners falls in love with this third partner and it has been a physical involvement to begin with, but turns into an emotional twist. Indecent Proposal was a film that portrayed this very clearly, your body can be controlled but your emotions cannot be governed, therefore don’t look on the outside to better your sex life, work from within.

For a man it tends to be physical. Instinct usually tells them to sleep with every attractive woman. It sounds horrible but evolutionary psychologists have suggested that men are more likely to have extramarital sex, partially due to the male urge to “spread genes” by broadcasting sperm. We will return to scientific part of human monogamy, but first understand the reasons why women commit adultery.

For women, it's emotional. They usually feel something is missing and they need to satisfy themselves again. It may not necessarily be love they search, but men tend to get comfortable with their women and the romance exits through the back door. Women feed off romance and of course look to fill this gap elsewhere. 

The science behind human monogamy

This will shock you, but only 3-5 per cent of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals (including humans) are known to form lifelong monogamous bonds. An exception to this statistic would be wolves, beavers and some bats.

The framework of our society has actually been built to favour social monogamy and the main reason for humans to abide by these rules is for the well being of children. Another important reason why humans advocate monogamy is because it is one of mammals where the father invests time in raising children; it is common knowledge that we humans value the role of paternal investment far more than most other primates. 

Nevertheless, we are not any less polygamous than other species and the only reason why a woman would probably not indulge in extra marital sex is again determined by the rules o society. Women could lose the “dad” and his resources when it comes to raising the kids. So, once again for the well being of the children a woman cannot encourage a promiscuous lifestyle. 

Sexual monogamy is therefore regarded as a societal structure, rather than a natural one. This explains why adultery is such a temptation, or in this case innate for both men and women. 

Sexual desires for people you don’t love

The final part of this article stems from a study which I discovered rather accidently, but has opened my eyes further to the notion of adultery. It has been assumed for a long time that for most of us a romantic love for another person usually evokes a sexual desire. Therefore, one gets married out of romantic love and thus takes part in sexual intercourse to have children and build a family. You could say a connection needs to be there for the sex to take place.

Well, it is also possible that one has sexual desires for people they don’t actually love and vice versa. It would create the situation where one is madly in love with their partner and thus decides to get married to them, once married they could discover they love the person so much but are not even remotely sexually aroused by them. 

The problem is the words romantic love, sex and desire are so closely webbed together that it might almost be impossible to separate them. 

A team led by Gian Gonzaga did just that. Their team asked monogamous couples to fill out a survey about their feelings towards each other and then were asked to sit facing each other in a room and engage in four different conversations: teasing, a previous relationship, a current concern and most important of all, recalling their first date. 

After extensive videotaping and analysis, it was seen that there was not significant correlation between love and gestures associated with sexual desire. Also no links were found between sexual desire and gestures that correspond to romantic love. E.g. if marriage was spoken about between a couple, this did not accompany increasing sexual desire, but it did have high levels of more romantic love. 

Interesting data isn’t it? So now if such couples discover these differences and decide to fill the voids that are missing in their marriage, I guess the answer would be to search for them on the outside!

Solutions

I have a simple answer to this problem. If you are married, please have lots of sex! Yes it sounds like the obvious solution, but honestly just spend some time analysing your marriage and ask yourselves how much time do you dedicate to the act of sex and what frills go around it? If you are a man, do you make romantic gestures towards your wife? If you are a woman, are you willing to show him more than just vanilla sex? This is just some basic advice; it obviously applies very differently to each couple. 

If you are not yet married but looking to settle down with your partner, well I always tell everyone the same thing. Don’t ask yourself if you can live with him or her but confirm that you can’t live without them. Do you see my point? 

It’s not okay to be in a relationship where the communication is on the fall as the years go by and it’s certainly not okay to avoid sex after you’ve had your kids. Whether you agree or not, as a human being it is a need you have in your subconscious and suppressing it won’t make you a happier person, and looking to fulfil it outside your marriage almost certainly won’t give you inner peace. 

I leave you with a Buddhist quote “ The evils of the body are, murder, theft and adultery; of the tongue, lying, slander, abuse and idle talk; of the mind, covetousness, hatred and error.” Say no to adultery and don’t allow your “mind games” to take over your mind.