Have you ever wondered how you met your best friend/s? Just think for a few minutes on how you met some of these people. I'm sure many of these encounters were so random that you would've probably classified them as unlikely to occur in a real life situation. Is it a random process we meet the people we meet or is there something mystical about it? I don't think I actually understand it at times, and I would say it is completely random. There are several theories that examine the concept of friendship and I have decided to embark on some of these to highlight the journey we follow in making our friends, what determines a long lasting friendship and how technology has affected the significance of the word friend.
We spend years at the same school and surrounded by the same people everyday, so chances are you will talk to these people, make friends there and it would make sense to make your best friends at a place you regularly attend. However, how many of you can actually say your best friends went to school with you? Perhaps some of you can, but I think a lot of it has to do with character formation. We develop as human beings every 7 years. Every cell in the body is changed over a period of seven years and recent studies have shown far more significant emotional, physical and mental changes seem to occur over these seven-year intervals. Of course we cannot determine any fixed boundaries, therefore it is not possible to say when each person achieves their levels of maturity at any period in their life.
As an example, between the ages of 14 -21 is usually thought to be the time when we would probably develop our greatest of friendships as one is a lot more conscious of themselves in a new way and sees life with a different relationship, added to the fact that you are spending many hours of the day with the same people at school, and later university. However, as a youth you are also undergoing a big change of independence and feel the need to explore a purpose for life and a realisation of choices. This period is basically a time of adding maturity, dignity and poise to a person. You are volatile to commitment and your viewpoint is constantly changing, therefore may face difficulties to maintain tight friendships for long periods of time, as well as partners.
In addition a recent study done by Iroise Dumontheil, a specialist in the adolescent brain who carried out her research at University College London's Institute of Cognitive Neuroscience concluded that although teenagers have the physical body of young adults, their brains are still similar to those of younger children, meaning they are more disorganised and easily distracted than older people. We have always believed that teenagers are just naturally rebellious, however the fact of the matter is that MRI scans have shown teenagers' brains contain too much grey matter, this is the part that carries messages, which means the thought process is far more chaotic than that of an adult. This grey matter decreases with age and thus an adult brain works more efficiently and in an orderly fashion.
I relate this study to friendship because as a teenager your brain can only plan in the short term and feel the only people who really understand you are your friends, as they too are going through the same changes. Such years of friendship are so intense that it's normal to consider those individuals your best friends. Once you evolve into an adult, usually in your mid twenties, this is when you perform self analysis and it's a stage where you see traits of yourself that have been influenced by your family, peers and society. You are most creative and at your peak of efficiency at about 35 years of age. It is but normal that you will want to be surrounded by the same passion and creativity and therefore choose your friends in this light.
This data is merely a slice of the investigation, but puts into perspective the changing patterns of a human being over time and how these changes reflect on your personality. It is unlikely that your 10 year old friend will remain your best friend when you are 25. We choose to label them far too quickly and often realise the pressures of mislabelling them many years later, noticing you no longer have much in common or share a connection of a best friend. You can detect this when you refer to them in the past. We used to have a great time, we did this, and he said that.
There is another more spiritual theory based on the author Jean Dominnique Martin where friendships are based on the laws of cause and effect. A true friend can be considered to be a part of your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. If they come into your life for a reason, you have probably expressed a need that has to be met and they are there to assist you through a difficulty or provide you support and guidance. Sometimes circumstances dictate that they must walk away or even fade into anonymity, for no apparent reason. This usually hurts us, as we cannot understand the reason why it happened. What you must remember is that your needs were met and the work is done, this friend came into your life for a reason!
If they come for a season, this usually means you both have to share an experience of growth or new initiatives for the future. An example would be primary school, a job or even an exchange programme. These friends can give you endless joy and make you laugh too. Nevertheless, certain situations can cause them to step out of their comfort zones or they are unable to take the extra leap with you any longer or vice versa. The seasonal circle has come to an end and they will exit your life. I would like to add to this my own theory, which I have experienced with some seasonal friends. At some point in life these individuals will actually return and you will pick up on the friendship, which had stagnated for various reasons that was not in control of you or them. This second time round you will notice both have matured and can identify each other’s traits more clearly and there is a sense of acceptance from each one. If they return, this can be a step toward the next type of friend - Lifetime!
Such relationships are hard to recognise at first but once you learn some important lessons of life, the people who teach you these lessons are usually your lifetime friends. We don’t always make lifetime friends early in life; it is possible that their entry only comes after we have crossed our 30s or even 40s. Going back to the seven yearly changes we experience, it is said from 35-42 years of age you feel the need to share whatever you have gained through life with others and almost look to unfold something, similar to a flower which finally flourishes after being in process of growth all this time. Usually you just want to surround yourself by individuals who complete you and do not feel the need to make new friends. In this period you can actually see in yourself the average of 5 people closest to you. These people will influence you greatly and if they are true friends, will bring out only the good in you.
A lifetime friend will accept you for who you are and thanks to them you will probably untap traits of your personality which were previously dormant. Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. - Anais Nin.
Coming back to the point about being like the 5 closest people who surround you, this does not apply just in the positive sense, but also vice versa. Often we reach a point in our lives where suddenly you admit to yourself that those who are supposed to be your good friends are in fact weighing you down. E.g. if your friend indulges in looking for an easy way out, tells "white lies", makes excuses etc., it is only before time you start slacking off in those areas and justifying your own behaviour as "acceptable". As we hit our mid 30s we generally take time to inspect our own self and this is when we realise who is right for us and who isn't.
Ask yourself this question, what kind of a person were you 2 years ago and who are you today? Are the same people present in your life at both stages, have you eliminated friends, added new ones? Are you comfortable with who you are?
This now brings me to the final theory and my favourite one. Aristotle’s Theory on Friendship.
His view is based on three basic notions. 1) Friendship is based on utility, so you benefit from something by being in the company of that person. 2) Friendship is based on pleasure, your feelings intervene here. E.g. when we are young we are often regulated by our feelings as the chief interest in a friendship, like physical attraction. This is why we fall in and out of friendship quickly, once this attraction wears off. 3) Perfect friendship is based on goodness, for these people each alike wish good for one another and are good in themselves. Each loves the other for what he is and not for any incidental quality. Love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Aristotle says friendship lies rather in the active loving than in being loved. Though most people sadly are more anxious to be loved than to love.
In our western societies we can probably identify the first and second notion quite clearly amongst friends, but in a culture, which is dominated by expressive and utilitarian individualism, we have problems seeing the third notion of a shared commitment to the good. Such friendships indeed are rare because men of such kind are only a few.
I conclude that friendships today can be identified on different levels and perhaps have become "thinner" than before. When I say thin, I mean there are far more restrictions, categories, socio economic boundaries and definitely too many expectations from a good friend. A final point, which I would like to finish with, is the existence of the social media in our lives and how we choose to use it to interact with our friends.
Facebook is a an example I will use as most of us are familiar with this social networking service which intends to connect family, friends and peers through a virtual network. A big benefit Facebook gives is to connect with people from all walks of life that we may not be able to meet normally.
However, not meeting them and speaking to them through a computer can create a notorious danger where you confuse digital intimacy for true intimacy. We always find it easier to write something than to say it out loud. Therefore, what happens is you are under a false illusion that you are close to a number of people, when in fact you really are not. Would it be inappropriate to label these friends as fake friends? I don't completely condone the idea of Facebook, as I am an active user myself. I am simply bringing to light this new avenue for friendships, which unfortunately is holding us back from spending time with our real friends who are nearby and can be touched, seen and hugged.
I dedicate this article to those friends of mine who I consider my pillars and you know who you are. Thank you for lending me your ears, giving me love, making me realise everyday that true friendship is not fleeting and I love you.
